Just need to talk

[Confused]

Well I don't have any updates or anything other than that I'm enjoying just chatting with my ex sometimes and occasionally flirting. He's so busy that he doesn't reply to emails as promptly as I might like which sometimes leads me to pout a little but when we do talk on the phone we make each other laugh and we have fun. I don't need any more than that, but it will be interesting to see where this leads over the next year or few.. if its just to make me appreciate him more as a friend well that was a great outcome. I wish we could all meet up in person and chat though, I haven't seen him since last summer when we had the initial realisation that just maybe all of us would be up for some kind of extracurricular activity together..

I have been going over and over in my head how I would feel if my husband was interested in someone else, and I really feel that this is something I need to work on because I just don't like being this person who is asking something of her partner that she couldn't give back. I've come to the conclusion that if I imagine him being with a really close friend of mine that it doesn't feel half so bad which is interesting. My husband thinks I'm nuts for even thinking about it and tells me he has zero desire to ever be with anyone else, but I think for my own self esteem I need to at least explore these emotions some more.

The other thing that occurred to me recently was that one of the ideas that stays with me as I read this forum is a quote from the book Passionate Marriage, something like "Love is not saying to your partner, if you love me you'll live within my limitations."

[Blaidwynn]

You sound like you are doing great and making good progress Putting yourelf in your partner's shoes, looking at things from his perspective is
an excellent practise to keep up - Bravo

QUOTE:"The other thing that occurred to me recently was that one of the ideas that stays with me as I read this forum is a quote from the book Passionate Marriage, something like "Love is not saying to your partner, if you love me you'll live within my limitations." "

You are absolutely right. Love is more than that of course it is completely unselfish. Putting your partners needs, wants and feelings ahead of your own. Being willing to sacrafice for them and nor regret it or hesitate. This is part of how I define love but for this to work both persons have to be doing it the same for each other - then you know your needs will be met by your partner(s) just as theirs will be met by you. Giving it your all and having the faith in love that your lover will not let you fall. I don't know about anyone else but this is the way my heart works.

To address another quote : "Love means never having to say you'e sorry."
This quote ONLY applies if you've never done anything to apologise for.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by Confused

I have been going over and over in my head how I would feel if my husband was interested in someone else, and I really feel that this is something I need to work on because I just don't like being this person who is asking something of her partner that she couldn't give back. I've come to the conclusion that if I imagine him being with a really close friend of mine that it doesn't feel half so bad which is interesting. My husband thinks I'm nuts for even thinking about it and tells me he has zero desire to ever be with anyone else, but I think for my own self esteem I need to at least explore these emotions some more.

I can identify with this. We're in the same boat as far as having husbands who work a lot and don't have much extra time/energy for relationships, ours or others. So I sometimes feel hypocritical when I say that I want a girlfriend, but I'm not that comfortable with him having one. Because right now, I feel like he's already spread so thin between work (new job, long hours, extra schmoozing to impress the bosses), his wife (me), and his daughter (teenager from a previous relationship, 2 hour drive out of town) that if he added a girlfriend into the mix, there'd nothing substantial left for anyone. Meanwhile, I have time to sit around playing on Facebook and watching TV while still getting all my schoolwork done early, so I figure that as long as I don't cut into our already scant time, it's not a "double standard." If our situation were to change and he started working shorter hours or closer to home, and he actually expressed a desire for polyamory, then I would be quite willing to work that out when the time comes.

So when you're sitting at home 5/9 nights a week, wanting some love and attention, it's easy to understand where your feelings are coming from of wanting to share your love with someone else while not wanting to share what little time you do get with him.

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

Meanwhile, I have time to sit around playing on Facebook and watching TV while still getting all my schoolwork done early, so I figure that as long as I don't cut into our already scant time, it's not a "double standard." If our situation were to change and he started working shorter hours or closer to home, and he actually expressed a desire for polyamory, then I would be quite willing to work that out when the time comes.

So when you're sitting at home 5/9 nights a week, wanting some love and attention, it's easy to understand where your feelings are coming from of wanting to share your love with someone else while not wanting to share what little time you do get with him.

If being poly is about making sure you can get as much attention as possible, then sure, I suppose that's a good approach.

For me, it still seems like a double standard. I look at poly relationships in terms of who I love, not in terms of how space I have in my life for attention.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

If being poly is about making sure you can get as much attention as possible, then sure, I suppose that's a good approach.

For me, it still seems like a double standard. I look at poly relationships in terms of who I love, not in terms of how space I have in my life for attention.

Oh dear, I certainly didn't mean to imply that polyamory for me is just about getting as much attention as possible. I, too, look at poly relationships in terms of whom I love.

What I meant was, I think it's important for a person to make sure they have time for a poly relationship before starting one. I.e. make sure you are able to take care of the needs of the people you already love, so that they won't suffer if you take on another relationship. If you're in a situation where your loved ones already wish they could spend more time with you, then (unless they're overly needy, which is a separate issue) you need to make sure you meet that need rather than biting off more than you can chew.

On the flip side, if you're in a relationship with someone who is "married to their job" with no intention of changing that, and you find yourself developing feelings for someone else, then it's natural to want to act on them. Not as a substitute for what you really want from your first partner, but as a means to a more fulfilling romantic life.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

Oh dear, I certainly didn't mean to imply that polyamory for me is just about getting as much attention as possible. I, too, look at poly relationships in terms of whom I love.

What I meant was, I think it's important for a person to make sure they have time for a poly relationship before starting one. I.e. make sure you are able to take care of the needs of the people you already love, so that they won't suffer if you take on another relationship. If you're in a situation where your loved ones already wish they could spend more time with you, then (unless they're overly needy, which is a separate issue) you need to make sure you meet that need rather than biting off more than you can chew.

On the flip side, if you're in a relationship with someone who is "married to their job" with no intention of changing that, and you find yourself developing feelings for someone else, then it's natural to want to act on them. Not as a substitute for what you really want from your first partner, but as a means to a more fulfilling romantic life.

I understood what you meant. I also understood your frustration too. Its all such a fine balance isn't it?

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

What I meant was, I think it's important for a person to make sure they have time for a poly relationship before starting one. I.e. make sure you are able to take care of the needs of the people you already love, so that they won't suffer if you take on another relationship. If you're in a situation where your loved ones already wish they could spend more time with you, then (unless they're overly needy, which is a separate issue) you need to make sure you meet that need rather than biting off more than you can chew.

That certainly makes sense. I have come across quite a few people who desire polyamorous relationships because they simply need more attention than one person can give them even in the best of times. I've noticed it's pretty difficult to keep balance if that's a large force at play in the relationship.

But it certainly is true that people can only effectively commit to what they have time to commit to, especially in relationships.

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

On the flip side, if you're in a relationship with someone who is "married to their job" with no intention of changing that, and you find yourself developing feelings for someone else, then it's natural to want to act on them. Not as a substitute for what you really want from your first partner, but as a means to a more fulfilling romantic life.

I see what you mean here. However I definitely believe that sustaining multiple relationships works best when all relationships involved are healthy and whole. I was approached for dating once by a guy who wanted to date me because his girlfriend "wasn't sexually adventurous enough to satisfy him". My reaction is, "Well if "x" is important to you and you're in a relationship in which your partner isn "x" enough for you, then why are you in the relationship?" We all make compromises in any relationship we enter, but I'm certainly not going to compromise something I find important in one relationship simply because I believe I can find it in another relationship.

(I don't think this is what you were implying, but I think it's an important distinction to make for people who are new to poly)

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

However I definitely believe that sustaining multiple relationships works best when all relationships involved are healthy and whole. I was approached for dating once by a guy who wanted to date me because his girlfriend "wasn't sexually adventurous enough to satisfy him". My reaction is, "Well if "x" is important to you and you're in a relationship in which your partner isn "x" enough for you, then why are you in the relationship?" We all make compromises in any relationship we enter, but I'm certainly not going to compromise something I find important in one relationship simply because I believe I can find it in another relationship.

(I don't think this is what you were implying, but I think it's an important distinction to make for people who are new to poly)

I definitely don't agree with "wanted to date me because his girlfriend," as in "I would normally be monogamous but she's not enough for me, which causes me to date around" ... but there are some activities/features that I like in a partner which are not deal-breakers if they're missing, and if I'm dating other people anyway, why not try to find someone who does have those features?

Some people will only date people who are "perfect" for them; others are willing to make a lot of compromise in order to have companionship while they wait for "perfect" to come along. I don't believe there's an objective right and a wrong here, just right and wrong for different people. And if you're just seeing someone "for now," then as long as you're not misleading them into thinking it's "going somewhere" then I don't see a problem with it. When I was single, I would date some people who were definitely not long-term material, but what's wrong with enjoying someone's company and mutually satisfying emotional and sexual needs? Again, as long as everything's open and out on the table...

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

I definitely don't agree with "wanted to date me because his girlfriend," as in "I would normally be monogamous but she's not enough for me, which causes me to date around" ... but there are some activities/features that I like in a partner which are not deal-breakers if they're missing, and if I'm dating other people anyway, why not try to find someone who does have those features?

The situation I described involved an openly long-time poly guy who's partner was also poly. I'm certainly all for variety. Different people appeal to different parts of me. And I think you're entirely right about getting certain things from some partners that you don't get from others. I don't quite see that as a *lack* really. But I have noticed that people that even some poly people seek out relationships because of a *lack* in their current relationships. That can be a bit of a red flag for me. If I have a partner, it's because I *want* to be with them and I would want partners who *want* to be with me, not settle for me because they can get the bits they're missing elsewhere.

That's not quite the same as only dating people who are "perfect" for me.

(but now we're a bit off topic from the thread )

[Confused]

I don't mind OT conversation if nobody else does

I would be happy to be with my husband and only my husband forever, we have had a wonderful 11 years together so far. We are limited on time together, but its not my husband's choice to work in the evenings, its just the nature of his job and I know he misses me as much as I miss him when we can't be together.

But this friend and ex, I have always had feelings for and always very much wanted to keep as a friend. I broke up with him in the first place because I fell hard for someone else, not because I didn't love him. I hurt him very much.

I wouldn't be looking for someone else to love, but he's there and I already love him. I want him in my life forever and would rather that was as a friend than risk everything for a romantic connection. But if I could have a bit of both.. well that would seem like a dream come true.