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  #21  
Old 12-21-2011, 12:38 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by SoCalExile View Post
I told her that we could have been so much closer decades ago if we'd been this open from the beginning, and that even though it's scary I wouldn't trade what we have now for anything we had in the past, even though it seemed so much safer.
My husband and I are in the same place (palm to forehead). If I think about it too long, it makes me angry that it took us 20 years to figure out how to start communicating openly with each other.
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  #22  
Old 12-28-2011, 12:45 AM
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SoCalExile SoCalExile is offline
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I go the opposite route- it makes me sad and wistful. But that's my natural bent.

Still trying to get the therapist involved; they've finally connected with each other but no session is scheduled yet (holidays are such a mixed blessing sometimes). She talked about possessiveness and fear of loss. I talked about reading poly resources. Turns out she's already hit Xeromag and several other sites, and is currently a member of/lurking a mono-in-a-mixed-couple support group on Yahoo!.

I have to hand it to her- she's really on her game and continues to ask some sharp questions.
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  #23  
Old 12-29-2011, 02:45 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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It was actions....some very small...some very deliberate and large that made me feel those words were a platitude. And also the constant repeat for me lost value....or seemed like a means to an end?

I also had a little problem with some of the logic behind her statements.
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  #24  
Old 12-30-2011, 12:11 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by SoCalExile View Post
She's asked me some very direct questions like "how many lovers do you think you'll end up having?" and "will you wear a condom?" and "will you be spending the night elsewhere a lot?" (!)* These are flustering me and while I actually have thought about them and do have answers I'm afraid of triggering more jealousy with them and seeing things spin out of control. I'm very conflict-avoidant and, as I've mentioned before, don't want to lose her. That would be a disaster..
This is a bit late to respond, but I wanted to say, that if it'd be useful or applicable, Tristan Taormino's book http://openingup.net/ has some great sections on negotiating boundaries, activities, etc. You might want to tell her you'd like to get the book, and then go through the questions together so you can both have input, discuss, compromise on all these things together. Perhaps if she knows you're not just interested in going out and doing whatever, or making decisions without her, it could also be bonding in some way.

I DO suggest though that if you do this go through the questions and hit any hot button issue, stopping right there and taking a break instead of trying to get through a section while feelings are stressed is very smart.
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