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  #51  
Old 01-27-2012, 08:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
That's how I felt, but she's told me flat out that she would prefer me to not go at all, so no matter what I'm going to feel guilty (whether it is logical or not is another issue).
Look, guilt gets you nowhere, so don't even give in to that temptation - and it's totally unfair and mean of her to try and guilt-trip you. She has to realize that the error that was made here was when she said she was okay with you going, and then backpedaling. She now has to accept the consequences because you made arrangements with other people, and you are being more than generous by going and not having sex with anyone other than Keith. You're not obligated to abide by her preference not to go at all, she's just letting you know what she would rather have happen, but you both have a choice on how to handle it.
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  #52  
Old 01-27-2012, 08:35 PM
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You have two relationships to consider, therefore I would go with option one. Feeling uncomfortable is one thing, but denying your other partner what he geniunly enjoys is another. Even if she feels uncomfortable with you going at all, she should consider that this is something that belongs to your other relationship and that you are ready to compromise by limiting yourself and your spouse. This should be valid enough.
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  #53  
Old 01-27-2012, 08:44 PM
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It is normal, when a relationship is new, to want to keep your new partner happy, but it should not be at the expense of your existing partner. I commend Keith for wanting to make his metamour happy, but I know from experience that husbands can get resentful of "compromising" their needs/ happiness for another significant other. Runic Wolf was like that towards the end with Pretty Lady, he wanted her to feel comfortable; to see that she wasn't just using her for sex, so he closed himself off to other relationships while he watched my relationship with Wendigo get stronger. Unfortunately, any attempts on his behalf to reach out to her as a friend made her feel pressured about the sex (she has issues around sex and we only had sex at most a half dozen times in 2 years) and her lack of response made him feel rejected and trapped by an agreement that was supposed to make her more comfortable.

I wish you luck!
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  #54  
Old 01-27-2012, 09:22 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Thanks, everyone! I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. Already. lol I've told Fiona that I'm not going to cancel on Keith and our other friends. I also told Keith about my and Fiona's conversation, and he keeps saying we don't have to go. If he has a major fault it's that he can be TOO supportive sometimes and won't just go with it when I agree with his original position.
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  #55  
Old 01-27-2012, 10:03 PM
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I get wanting to please your partners only too well. But I wonder... what do you want? I feel that both of your partners feel like they are entitled to something from you (stricter boundaries or swinging). But they aren't pushing the issue either way, so I think that the bigger problem is that you believe in that entitlement. You think that they have a right to asking you these things (which is true) and that you have a duty to comply (which you don't).

I have struggled with guilt, and continue with that. It's a process. But you know, it's no different from any other emotion. You don't have to follow it. Just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you did something wrong. It is beneficial to try and look at the situation objectively to see whether there is actually something you should feel guilty about, or if it's coming from other places (like from something inside you, or from somebody deliberately trying to make you feel guilty).
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  #56  
Old 01-30-2012, 06:05 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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So... Keith and I went. We had a ton of (nonsexual) fun, too, and came home with a couple of couple's numbers. The people we were supposed to meet there ended up not being able to come because she was sick, but it was still great. We were the youngest ones there by over 10 years, so I was surprised at how well we connected with everyone.

Fiona just kind of ignored the whole situation. I don't think Mario is aware that we ended up going through with going, so I don't know his feelings on it all (and quite honestly I don't understand WHY he was so upset in the first place). Last night I was kind of wanting my space, and she kept pushing to cuddle and be physical which kind of irked me. For some reason I still ended up naked, but I was mostly just with the boys besides some kissing with Fiona. First time I've orgasmed from intercourse with Mario, though, so that was a pleasant surprise! lol

And @rory... Fiona always acts like she feels bad for making me choose, but she always expects to get her way in the long run. I think she was not so pleasantly surprised that I put my foot down on this one. I'm inherently a people pleaser and am much happier when EVERYONE around me is happy, but that wasn't even possible in this case so I went with what I wanted to do. The main reason I felt guilty about this trip was because originally we had all agreed that we'd go again the 4 of us before Keith and I would go alone. I felt like I had kind of pushed Fiona into okaying us going without her by bringing it up and saying that we'd been invited.
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  #57  
Old 02-06-2012, 04:12 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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I joined OKCupid... Mostly because Keith wanted to, and he wanted me to have a profile that he could link to his. I suppose to show that he was indeed telling the truth and all that. Thinking about it... This is the second website he's gotten me to join recently: first fetlife and now OKC. Huh.

Anyway, like two days after making the profile, this guy sends me a message. Looking at his profile, I wasn't terribly interested. Maybe could be friends or just chat buddies or something, but probably nothing since we didn't seem to have much in common. His message was really nice, though, so I responded positively. Well, we've been talking for a few days now and he seems really great! We have some minor things in common - like wanting to learn to shoot and get a handgun permit, going to live sporting events but not watching sports on tv, etc. - and we seem to get along well. We are planning to meet for tea one evening this week, so I'm hoping it goes as well in person as it has been online/via text.

Keith is really excited, because apparently he has secretly been wanting me to have a boyfriend again ever since I parted ways with the guy I was seeing last summer/fall. I haven't told Fiona yet, although I probably should since it is getting to the "meeting in person" step. She knows Keith and I joined OKC, but since I haven't been instigating anything she hasn't even really thought about it.

I feel bad because I am starting to feel kind of resentful of Fiona's attitudes towards me getting out and meeting new people. Even activities I've shown interest in just to meet new friends like a book club and stuff she seems to kind of judge. I've tried to explain to her that I stay at home most days while everyone else gets out and works. I HAVE to do something to interact with adults (because the days I do work, it's with kids) or I will go crazy. She's also deep down a shy person, so I think part of it is envy at my extroversion.

On a random note, I somehow ended up in the middle of an argument between Fiona and Mario. Mario got a job offer overseas and Fiona doesn't want to go. I think it's a great opportunity for the family. Their son would get to experience living somewhere else, but they could still come back in a couple of years before he starts school. Mario gets a great job and to live in his dream country. Fiona could get a job actually using her degree because her focus isn't used in America. I explained this to Fiona when she told me. I then went on to say, I can see why she'd be nervous not being able to see family, but I emphasized the "you can come back in a year or two if it doesn't work out" side of things. Mario found out, and all of the sudden he's saying I'm on his side and all that. So, I've stopped giving my real opinion and have told them both I am just neutral. Kind of frustrating.
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  #58  
Old 02-06-2012, 11:01 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I hafta say, Fiona sounds like a real control freak. Be prepared for her to disapprove of you dating someone from OKC, but don't let it stop you.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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  #59  
Old 02-06-2012, 11:19 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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I've never really thought of her as a control freak, but you may be right. I fully expect her to disapprove, but she'll either get over it or decide I'm not worth the stress. She doesn't try to stop Mario from going out and doing stuff on his own, but she does me. I don't know if it's because I'm a woman and she thinks of it as more dangerous for me to go out in the city or because she just doesn't like the idea of ME going out without HER. I can never tell if her weirdness is personal or general. :/
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  #60  
Old 02-08-2012, 07:27 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Keith and I may move to Oregon! Ah!

It is his dream to move away. There is an opening in Portland for his exact position, so he could transfer there. The problem? He isn't eligible for transfer until next Thursday and the manager above the hiring manager over there wants to get someone in ASAP. So.. We shall see.

Fiona and Mario were horribly upset at the idea. I was there last night and as soon as I told them that it could happen, I had one on each shoulder, one holding each hand, and a stream of questions and comments trying to dissuade me from agreeing to the move.

It's Keith's dream. I don't consider my relationship with Fiona (or the weird thing going on between Mario and me) to be serious enough to squash this possibility. The timing is great since our lease is up soon anyway.

I may be moving to Portland!
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