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  #11  
Old 12-20-2011, 06:08 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I sooooo know how you feel. My gf is also married and employed with a young child, as I've probably mentioned, and it can be damn hard to get a hold of her. Heh, she was like that before the kid though, she has ADHD and it's just very difficult for her to keep track of communications, who she's responded to and who she hasn't, whether she's charged her phone or even brought it with her etc. But the kid has made everything 5x harder, no doubt. Sometimes I don't even know how she and her husband function, their life seems so overwhelming so much of the time.

I've just had to learn that it has nothing to do with me, and that I can just ping her another way (email, quick call) if it's important and she won't be annoyed. Sometimes a single text really is too much to ask, and it would be whether it was me, her mom, her best friend, or even her husband who had sent it. Realizing that, by watching her with others, really helped.

If you're feeling antsy, why not go out on your own, join a meetup group, contact an old friend, something like that?
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  #12  
Old 12-20-2011, 06:15 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Sometimes a single text really is too much to ask, and it would be whether it was me, her mom, her best friend, or even her husband who had sent it. Realizing that, by watching her with others, really helped.
Soooo true, but soooo hard nonetheless! lol Like I said, I get it, but since I am in a totally different place, I have to really WORK at getting it. Adding ADHD and such would be even harder, I'm sure. Kudos to you!

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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
If you're feeling antsy, why not go out on your own, join a meetup group, contact an old friend, something like that?
Today, I have kind of put myself on lockdown. My in-laws are coming over on Christmas day and I have so much I have to get done! I'm rewarding myself with internet time for every task I cross off my list. And my list is full of actual tasks broken up into itty-bitty tasks... Like, instead of 'cleaning the bathroom' being one task, it is 'clean the tub/shower,' 'clean the sink/vanity,' 'clean the toilet,' and 'clean the floor and empty the trash.'

In general, though, I have tried to get in contact with some people that I never meant to lose touch with. The problem is we have all since graduated and everyone seems to have moved. I should check out meetup, though. I'd never heard of it until I kept seeing it mentioned on here! Thanks
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  #13  
Old 12-22-2011, 01:02 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Last night was fantastic... F and I went out and got coffee and just talked for... 3 hours? ish? We talked about family, our relationship, what books we're reading, our relationships with our husbands, jobs, friends, it seems like everything. I forget sometimes how easy it is to have a rambling conversation that lasts for hours. We had a few people staring at Starbucks.. Apparently when words like 'nonmonogamous,' 'swinging,' 'bisexual,' 'polyamorous,' and more come up fairly frequently in a convo people start to tune in to see what's up.

I'm not going to see F for a week which kind of sucks, but I'm so excited to get to spend time with my family for Christmas. I told M that I felt bad for him because he has to deal with F's family for Christmas (not that he doesn't get along with them, but he is from Jersey and they are from Missouri... it's a different culture) and then for New Year's he is going to be with my extended family. He told me he is looking forward to it, though, which made me feel good. My thought was that M doesn't HAVE to have anything to do with my family since we aren't involved, but he apparently thinks differently which made me feel even better! I know F is looking forward to it, too, so hopefully all goes well. M and Keith have been so amazing with everything. I can't imagine two men who could have responded better to their wives (not so) randomly deciding to date.

The sexual dynamic of the group has been way different lately, but I think it is starting to level back out. F and I were apparently VERY intense the last couple of times we were together, but now that things are more stable and we are more comfortable with what we're doing I think it will go back to being more playful like it has been in the past. Not that it won't always be a bit different now, but maybe we'll stop swatting the boys away whenever they want to get involved soon.
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  #14  
Old 12-22-2011, 06:49 PM
bassman bassman is offline
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*like! *
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  #15  
Old 12-24-2011, 06:57 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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F and M made it to Texas just fine! I told her not to worry about me at all the next few days and to just enjoy being with her family since she doesn't get to see them often (I've known her for over a year and she has only seen her sister once in that time). I've been debating in my head whether or not I should try to call/text, and since it is now well past midnight I guess I will start the debate with myself over tomorrow! Actually, I already know I will text her when I get up tomorrow just to say hi, I'm thinking about you, and hope you're having fun. lol

I had a wonderful day today with Keith, though. Sometimes I forget how much fun we can have when we just spend the whole day together with nothing really planned. We went shopping for Christmas dinner supplies, thought about going to see a movie and then went to the bookstore instead. We have now been watching the web series 'Family' online. Yay
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  #16  
Old 12-27-2011, 04:59 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Christmas is over and NOW we get snow! Figures... Oh, well. I still love snow so I will take it when it comes. We are exchanging gives with F and M tonight, though, so I suppose it can still count as Christmas for me. I am once again having mixed feelings... F and I texted every day while she was gone (5 days), she told me she missed me, blah blah blah (I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean it wasn't real conversations it was just kind of checking in type stuff). I am just struggling with my urge to define things. She seems so hesitant to discuss emotions or how we're going to handle possibly difficult situations that it worries me. I'm usually the one who avoids serious discussions so having a relationship with someone who is going to be like that is going to be hard.

In the near future (the next 2 weeks or so), Keith wants to go back to the swing club - F and M can't afford to go right now - so we will have to deal with how she wants me to behave when it comes to other women when she isn't around. I have told her I am fine with her doing whatever she is comfortable doing as long as I know there is the possibility of sex with someone else BEFORE the situation happens and as long as she tells me that it happened AFTER. I'm not sure if after our talks she is going to be ok with that for me or if she is still uncomfortable of me being with another woman at all unless she is present. This weekend we have New Years with my family, too. She knows my desire to be open (although I totally agree it is too early to require a 'coming out'), so I feel like that is something we are going to have to deal with if this is going to work.

My problem is that I fluctuate from being totally, completely happy with everything that is going on to questioning whether or not she even cares for me that much. It is totally ridiculous and I always feel bad for even thinking it, but the timing just seems so weird to me at times. She suddenly needs to tell me how she really feels (although the word love or girlfriend or anything that denotes a higher relationship has never been used) right when I could possibly be playing with another woman (or women). The ONLY thing that has changed is that we are more intimate (cuddling and checking in almost every day) AND that we have new stipulations on how to behave in potentially sexual situations. Were her deepening feelings the reason she told me at the time she did or was it simple jealousy over the situation possibly changing by F and M not being my ONLY playmates anymore?

I am still struggling with whether or not I am too needy for this situation. It made me feel great when she said she missed me on the second day of her trip. It made me feel like crap when - after I told her that it wasn't that long of a trip, but that I was so excited to see her - she comes back with 'it was over too soon.' I understand it was only 4 and a half days or so with her family and if I were her I would totally wish I could have spent more time there, but couldn't she have at least acted like she was looking forward to seeing me too?

Hopefully I will feel better after getting to hang out with them tonight. I'm going to try to convince M to take the Jeopardy contestant quiz with me in January so at least that's one thing to look forward to.
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  #17  
Old 12-27-2011, 09:15 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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I have a honest question. ( I`m blunt, so there is the warning ahead of time, but I mean no harm, I just try to get to the root of things.)

The way you handle yourself confuses me. I see in you, someone who creates her own stress.
You are constantly searching for affirmation with this woman. I understand that this is just how you 'work'. However, this woman clearly has not been interested in making a solid relationship structure, commitment, etc., to you.

Yet, you let her (or want her) to tell you, what you are allowed to do at a swing club ? Are you doing this, because you want to feel some sense of 'belonging' to her, when she shows signs of not wanting to share you ?

You are your own person, and your interactions with others, should not be up for discussion at this point. Stop giving yourself away like this, and you will start feeling more control, and more relaxed.

The only thing you owe her, is to tell her any sexual partners you have had, before you have sex with her again, and to make sure to use protection.
I really see a oil and water scenario here, but I understand all to well, the struggle with this type of situation.
So I guess the best advice I could give, is to hope you would just live your life, and do what YOU want. If she wants to be a part of it, she will make the concessions to do so. Chasing her, ( which is what you are doing every time you ask or wonder about something that has already been discussed and left in the air...) will have the opposite result of what you want. Guaranteed.

If things being left in the air really drives you crazy, then KEEP LIVING LIFE ! No waiting. Let the relationship stand on its own merits, and sort itself out, however it is meant to be.
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  #18  
Old 12-27-2011, 09:27 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
The way you handle yourself confuses me. I see in you, someone who creates her own stress.
This is soooo true. I know it is, and I try to work on it off and on but it seems to be deeply ingrained in me.

The reason I am okay with letting her have some say in what I do at the club is because I get where she is coming from. She didn't expect to react negatively to the idea of me doing things with someone else, so when she did, it kind of freaked her out. At this point, I am trying to balance the wishes of my husband (to go to the club) with her wishes (for me to not play with another girl without her being present). Doesn't sound that like big of a challenge, but I tend to be more attracted to females than males at this point so g-g play is pretty much the only thing I am interested in at the club. Well, besides watching Keith have fun. I really have no preference: I would be fine not going to the club at all, but since he really wants to and I'm not opposed, why wouldn't I?

I guess I just don't feel like it's fair to tell her that I know she is feeling a little insecure right now (hence the jealousy) but I'm going to do what I want anyway. I'm finding it hard to balance what I want/expect from a relationship with what she is willing/able to give right now.
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  #19  
Old 12-27-2011, 09:42 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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I understand your position, I really do.

I think it is good that you feel empathy for her, but will go do what you want. Just be careful not to 'ask' permission from her. (Some of your wording seems that way to me..)

These things can get confusing, no doubt. I find a good rule of thumb, is to figure out what I want first, as I only control me.
From there, I can explain what I can, and cannot do for others, rather then 'ask' what they want me to do.
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  #20  
Old 12-27-2011, 09:55 PM
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BigGuy BigGuy is offline
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Personally I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with a gender based fidelity agreement if that's what both parties want.
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