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  #141  
Old 08-03-2012, 08:26 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Part two sent, so mission completed!

I got back a "this sounds familiar" and a segue into conversation. Not about us, or about relationships, or about poly. Eh, I feel better about it anyway. She knows I wanted more and that I am still conflicted about what I want now. She knows I don't believe she was ever capable of giving me what I feel like I need.

Moving forward feels good.
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  #142  
Old 08-09-2012, 07:51 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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So, maybe I misjudged Fiona a bit. We have talked, and by talking I mean at least 6-7 consecutive texts (and one actual, almost hour long phone call), 3 out of the last 4 days. I initiated one, she the others. So, now we are falling into this very good friendship that we had BEFORE all the crazy poly stuff started. There is the underlying romantic feelings that we both still have, but we've established that it's never going to work so we're able to pretty much ignore it and just be normal! Woohoo! There will be cuddling, probably some crying, and possibly some sex when I see her in a few weeks, but I'm hoping we've finally established a good pattern.

I had to cancel date #3... I got a sudden fever, headache, and have been sick ever since. It's settled into a cold - which is absolutely horrible in the middle of summer, but it could be worse. I'm hoping I feel better Friday for the poly meetup, otherwise I may just skip it altogether and make sure other people are on the lookout for newbies to the group. If I'm going to find myself coughing every time I try to talk, I'm just asking for trouble.

Just under 3 weeks until my trip.. I'm super excited, think I have most days planned out (most of the plans are - stay home and relax and visit - my favorite kind of trips to see family). A good friend from high school is going to come hang out with me a bit (a 4 hour drive for her, so I really appreciate it). Mario and Fiona are coming to visit (overnight and a random day trip). And I believe all but 1 of my aunts/uncles (he lives in another state so he's excused) are planning on coming out for a cookout one evening as are most of my cousins and their kids. I get to visit the family I used to babysit for one evening (actually, I've allotted about 9 hours to spend at their house one day) AND my mom has worked out a way to make healthy-ish versions of my favorite foods. We've all been dieting, so while we usually use get togethers and such as an excuse to splurge a bit, a week long visit requires us stick to the diet(s) at least somewhat.

I've already started packing. haha
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  #143  
Old 08-11-2012, 11:03 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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I did have to miss the poly meetup, but apparently there were lots of people there (like, twice as many as usual) and everyone seemed to chat and get along fine. Keith tried to make sure everyone was feeling included, but he ended up feeling a little left out himself. Apparently I'm kind of his crutch in social situations and help draw him out. I used to send him out once a week on his own or with a friend (as long as I didn't go) to help him get over it, so I may need to start doing that again. It helps him 1 - get more comfortable being social without me and 2 - pursue his own interests without worrying about what I'm doing or if I'm having fun. He was feeling so bummed that he was even questioning whether or not he should even try to pursue another relationship, etc, etc. I hate it when low self esteem rears its ugly head, so Motivational Mistress is going to have to make an appearance too (that's what he calls me when I get all kick ass about making sure we work out, follow our diet, and are being generally healthy in every way we can).

I'm going on a date Sunday night, so that will be the perfect time to send him out since I have plans anyway. I'm also going to invite a friend to a movie sometime next week since I didn't get to hang out with her due to my illness. We're eventually going to out and take new pictures together, but I'm putting that off until my sickness is completely gone so we can go on a hike somewhere wonderful to do it.

Life is pretty good right now, for me. Still stressed a bit about money/my inability to find a job and dealing with Keith's miniature bout of depression, but my trip has me so excited I can't seem to focus too much on the downer stuff, so... Yeah. And my uncle hired me to work in his restaurant for 20 hours during the week I'm visiting - the same hours my mom works plus my grandma works there during some of it, my aunt and uncle, and some cousins - so I will not only make some money and get free food during my shifts, I will also get to visit with a bunch of family members. I'm ridiculously excited about having a 4 day job, but my cousin used to run the same kind of restaurant when I was a kid and I LOVED getting to go "work" (I was like 7-8 so I got to wipe down tables and dry dishes now and then) so I think it'll be fun to get to have the real experience. And I know all the people that work there so even if it is busy and hot and crazy, it'll be entertaining too.
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  #144  
Old 08-15-2012, 07:47 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Hmm.. I'm kind of confused about Bashful. I enjoy our time together and we get along great, but I don't really feel any passion towards him. So, I just don't know. It may be a friend relationship and not a dating one before long, unless I find a spark in there somewhere in the next couple of weeks.

I also have some new flirtatiousness going on in a friendship... She and I have been each others' shoulders to cry on about how difficult women are, and somewhere along the way we went from casual friends who talk once a week or so to really flirty, talking everyday, let's see where this could go friends. It's fun, and even if we don't get to a dating/relationship-y place, we're having fun practicing our wooing capabilities on each other.

Sadly I'm starting to look forward to my trip home less... Some family members I'm not too fond of have made it clear that they are going to be around - a lot - while I'm there and my mother doesn't have the heart to tell them no. It's not that I dislike them, and I would be glad to have them around for a day, but their plan is to stay for at least 3 out of my 7 days there. Which completely ruins my plans for a nice, calm, quiet visit. Oh, well. I can always escape to visit friends or the in-laws if necessary.
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  #145  
Old 08-17-2012, 10:28 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Still confused about Bashful... My friend Zelda (who, it seems, will be playing a large role in my life for a while at least so is being named, and I can't seem to stray from names from games...) knows him and tells me he seems very, very into me. Which should be a good thing, right? I guess it's time to really get to know the personal side of him. We've traded various anecdotes, discussed our literature and movie tastes in detail, etc, but I've been tending to shy away from the overly personal. He and his partner just recently opened up (he's always IDed as poly, though, and has been actively poly in the past), and I have a feeling he's going a bit wild with his newly gained freedom which is one of the things I think has been slightly off-putting to me. More than likely I am going to meet his primary partner and their child this weekend, and I'm kind of hoping I have the chance to have a nice chat with her.

Zelda and I are bonding nicely, though. We had plans to go out yesterday and ended up spending the entire afternoon just talking. Completely lost track of time which messed up plans Keith and I had for the evening, but he overslept anyway so he wasn't too upset with me. A trip to his favorite restaurant had me forgiven. Zelda and I, though... Yeah. We are getting much more comfortable actively showing interest in one another while still getting to know each other. We talked about our families and childhoods and where we came from, so I have a much better understanding of her as a person now. We have very, very different backgrounds yet have developed into very similar people.

All else is pretty calm on the poly front.
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  #146  
Old 08-21-2012, 10:53 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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I'm really excited - I may get to spend some quality time with Zelda this weekend! She and I are hoping that we can all go on a random overnight trip (we all = me, Keith, Zelda, and Zelda's hubby) to the coast. Zelda and I are very much water people, while our husbands are not, so it will be interesting. If it happens... This was a plan born of a 2:30am discussion of two sleep deprived women, so we'll see if we can get the men on board. She is encouraging me to take a more decisive, dominant role in this whole flirty, getting to know each other, teasing process (she is submissive AND shy, so it would actually be incredibly helpful if I was confident enough to pursue her more blatantly...). I really need to work on my confidence with women! I know how to read men and know where I stand, but with women I'm next to clueless! It's so fun and frustrating at the same time!

On another note... Bashful and I are just not in sync. His youngest is ill, and I have a funky sleep schedule going on so I'm not sure if we'll even see each other before my trip home. I'm not feeling too bad about it, though, since I warned him that the next week was going to be slightly crazy for me (3 poly events to get to, plus making sure Keith and I have time together before my trip, and I already knew I wanted to go to the coast so taking at least an entire day if not an overnight for that...) and he didn't seem to feel the need to make time over the weekend. I know he took the time I had semi-available and used it to hang out with someone else (oh, the joys of Facebook...). I was only semi-available, though, so yeah, I don't really blame him... lol I was with a group at a random event, but I was free afterwards so I offered to either meet him when the event was over or to bring him as my date to the event and then we could do whatever he wanted after.

Fiona has still been texting me off and on. It's odd how the things that I needed to say to let go of hope that anything deeper would be possible were apparently the things that motivated her to try harder. I've been pretty busy, though, so I haven't dedicated too much thought to it. I respond to her questions but haven't tried to start or maintain any real conversation. I'm hoping we'll get the chance to talk face-to-face about expectations and comfort levels (like right now, I'm trying to avoid mentioning Zelda too much or alluding to anything other than friendliness going on between us since I don't know how Fiona is feeling about hearing about me dating others - especially female others). I'm not super motivated to maintain a close relationship with her, but it is nice having someone I can be open with and I don't want to push her too far too fast if she is still getting used to being back in the friend zone... lol

I've kind of given up on the job hunt until I get back. I have a good list of places to contact and volunteer positions that I think are interesting, so hopefully I'll be able to find SOMETHING even if it is unpaid just to get some experience in the area. Blah!
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  #147  
Old 08-23-2012, 04:51 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Default Oh, NRE, how I love thee...

I am enjoying getting to know Zelda. Our extreme flirting/complimenting has gotten to hilarious levels. We both giggle about it because we went from feeling awkward about flirting to just throwing anything that pops into our heads out there. It's fun. It's silly. It's lovely.
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  #148  
Old 08-24-2012, 08:09 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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I'm pretty sure I'm just not meant to be in a second relationship with a man. lol Bashful finally contacted me again, apologizing for the absenteeism and just saying that there had been some relationship issues on the home front on top of one of the kids being sick part of the week (I knew about the kid and had told him not to worry about me and to focus on being there for her while she needed him, but reminded him that I would be unavailable for 10 days-ish soon so if he could make time for a cup of coffee or something I'd love it). No other explanation, even after I asked, all I got was "poly stuff." That's fine, but is it something that is continually going to affect me? Is it something I need to be aware of to make sure that our dates don't go into overtime (we both have a habit of losing track of time)? Does he need to take another week or two or longer to make sure all's well? I'm going to be out of town for a while, so I mean, in reality it won't affect me much until I get back, but if he isn't comfortable communicating with me AT ALL about issues he's having with his primary partner, do I even want to attempt to see where things could go? I've been kind of on the fence about my attraction level anyway, and this may just be the deciding factor between pursuing a just friends relationship vs. a possible romantic one. Blah!

I'm almost ready to give up on men altogether. I'm generally more attracted to women anyway, but it feels so... wrong, somehow.. to make my profiles viewable only to women. We'll see.
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  #149  
Old 08-28-2012, 12:05 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Zelda and I held hands as we walked along the beach, cuddled in a sea cave, and kissed on a rock in the shallows. It was a good day.

Now I am ramping up my energy for my trip to visit family. I'm packed, I've done a crap load of housework, and I've spent as much time as possible with Keith to hopefully help us not go crazy during this week apart. Usually I limit trips without him to a 4 day max, so a week is going to be pushing it.

I'm also debating on whether or not I should even attempt to reconnect with Bashful. He contacted me to tell me vaguely what's been going on, but refused to elaborate. He also randomly ended the text conversation (just by not talking anymore - not even an abrupt goodbye). I'm pretty sure I should just be done, but I'm oddly curious to know what's going on and if my presence had anything to do with it... One of the other women he was dating had an issue with him dating me (apparently she didn't approve of the age gap) so I wonder if his primary partner has similar feelings. Hmm... I just can't decide if the potential drama of continuing is worth satisfying my curiosity. The likelihood of a worthwhile relationship resulting seems slim, so... I don't know. We'll see how I feel after a week away from poly-land.
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  #150  
Old 09-06-2012, 06:26 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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I do stupid, stupid things sometimes...

A week away was a bit much. I missed Keith like crazy, he was needy when I got back, AND I didn't realize how difficult it would be to make sure I had time to reconnect with him after being gone and to make time to see Zelda as soon as I could, too. I think I've got it figured out, though!

The real stupid thing I did, though... was fooling around with Fiona. Ugh. Pretty sure that just complicated the whole "I'm over the confusing mess of emotions" thing that I've been trying to communicate lately. Maybe in a few days I'll figure out a good way to tell her that she should move on. I enjoyed the physical stuff, but I honestly just didn't feel the connection that I used to feel. Maybe the whole letting go thing actually worked!

So excited to be home, though! The trip was mostly good, a little stressful, and definitely the longest I will EVER want to be away from those I love, unless absolutely necessary. If it was this hard to be away from Keith for a week, how terrible would it have felt if I had multiple lovers?! lol

Bashful also emailed me asking how I was and how my vacation went. I responded and he said he'd love to get together soon to hear more about it. I'm going to try to get some more info on what's up with him and his primary relationship before deciding how to handle that situation. I wouldn't mind taking some more time to get to know him, but I don't want to put that effort in if he's going to randomly disappear for over a week at at time without providing any information at all, at least when he is normally in contact on a daily or every other day basis! If talking once a week or every other week was normal that would be one thing, but such a drastic change with no warning... Not something I like.

Home, sweet home!
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