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  #131  
Old 07-18-2012, 07:03 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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I get to visit family!! We'd been discussing it for a while, but since Keith wants an extra long vacation next year he can't take time off and I didn't think it was fair to go without him. The other day he told me I should go and that he would actually enjoy having a weekend where he could spend the entire time focusing on games, hanging out with friends, or doing whatever he wants that I'm not interested in - this was before we got in a fight, so I know it's not like he's just saying okay to make me feel better. So, I get to take a week vacation - as much as going and staying at my parents' house is a vacation since I'll go to work with my mom a couple of days and pretty much just hang out with family the entire time.

Mario and Fiona will probably come stay at my parents' house (which could potentially lead to some awkwardness so I need to make sure to have a looooong conversation with F before I go) as well as my sister, her husband, and my nephew so it will be a full house and my mother is thrilled! I haven't gotten to talk to my dad yet, but I'm sure he'll be excited too because he felt guilty that they couldn't really afford to come visit until next March.

I can't wait! Just over a month until I get to see everyone! Financially it's not the smartest move we've made lately, but psychologically I think it will be really good for me so it's worth scrimping for a few more weeks while we build our savings back up. It's not like I'm going to spend any money while I'm there since I'll be mooching food and lodging off of people.
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  #132  
Old 07-18-2012, 06:48 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
Then whenever I'm actually in the mood, he's not. So frustrating being on different schedules!
God I hate this!
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  #133  
Old 07-19-2012, 07:00 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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I should not invite someone that did not make me happy back into a serious part of my life.

I should not invite someone that did not make me happy back into a serious part of my life.

I should not invite someone that did not make me happy back into a serious part of my life.

Ever since I announced the trip, Fiona has been texting/facebooking me like crazy. I keep having to remind myself not to encourage too much intimacy because I don't want/can't deal with all the crap I had to deal with when my relationship with her was confusing. We are friends - ish right now. We've only talked, like, 2-3 times since I moved and I do not want to let myself get all caught up in the loop of "well, what did she mean when she said/did this?" kind of thing like I used to do.

I wrote her a letter detailing what I would need to happen for her and I to have the same sort of romantic-like relationship that we used to have. I don't know if I'm going to send it to her or if just getting my past frustrations out on paper was enough, but it did help ground me and remind me of WHY I didn't fight harder to make a LDR happen. While I care for her, a lot, her life isn't really compatible with what I want/need. I'm thinking it's easier to let bygones be bygones and leave the letter unsent, but we'll see how crazy I get in the next week or so.

I just focus way too much on things that I should just let go. Something I most definitely need to work on.
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  #134  
Old 07-20-2012, 06:37 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Understanding has been reached with dear Keith!

He didn't view cyber sex as a big deal, and normally I don't either, but it was vastly different for me when he did it with someone he actually cares about. Even if she is super far away and the likelihood of them ever meeting is slim I felt like I should have been told that their relationship has a sexual side to it now, too, so that I wouldn't have been blindsided. He already understood why I wasn't happy with the disappearing act, but now he understands why I hadn't gotten over it yet.

So, we're good now. He knows that I believe in the same boundaries for online relationships as I do in person ones, which he was apparently not entirely clear on before. I am fairly certain I'd said it before, but we don't write these things down so who knows.

I told him on Monday that I wasn't going to have sex with him until we were on the same page about everything. Oddly enough, since then I've had more of a sex drive than I have in months - I've actually masturbated every day (as opposed to the MAYBE once a month that's usual). So, tomorrow after the gym should be a good time since we can FINALLY do it! When we argue, we tend to have crazy sex then forget to resolve the issue for real, so I wanted to make sure it didn't happen this time. Apparently it worked since we've reached clarity.

Yay!

As for Fiona... She texted and FBed me again today and I ignored it... She went from definitely staying at my parents' house at least one night to maybe not coming at all, so I'm done. I'm not offering any energy, if she wants to come visit - great, I'm sure I'll enjoy it. If she doesn't - that's fine, I get to spend time with my family and see friends from high school and all the people who are willing to take the time out of their lives when I'm going to be around. If she persists in contacting me, I'll send her the letter explaining how I feel about her and our relationship in general. I'm tired of having to explain the same things to her, though, since I've told her multiple times that I feel like she values me when I'm around, but as soon as I'm out of sight I don't matter (I read somewhere about a relationship of presence and that really seems like how she feels about it). I can't handle that - I'm an all or nothing kinda gal, so... Yep. Kind of feeling peaceful about that situation, too. Maybe I just need this one last thing to either make me let go entirely or try my hardest to make it work. To date, I've done neither.

Last edited by km34; 07-20-2012 at 06:41 AM.
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  #135  
Old 07-21-2012, 06:34 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Friends! I/we officially have them!

That is all.

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  #136  
Old 07-26-2012, 03:50 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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I have a date. Tomorrow! I'm super excited. A picnic and movie in the park. I felt kind of bad that I had to veto going out to dinner when he asked, but I have 0 spending money right now because the truck needed work AGAIN (darn thing isn't worth what he's putting into it, but whatever, it's easier than buying a different vehicle I suppose) and I didn't want him to pay for me (I have this weird thing about people buying me things before I know I'm going to be in their lives for a while and will be able to repay in some way - whether by also buying things or by random baking/meals or whatever) but I figured a picnic is nice anyway and he seemed to like it. We can claim our spot early and eat and chat leisurely while we wait for dusk.

He's actually a friend of a friend, although I don't know their connection really. I'll ask tomorrow, I'm sure. He's significantly older than I am (17 years), but so far we've had a lot in common since we enjoy the same books, movies, and are just all around friendly people.

Keith is slightly envious, but seems happy for me. He's been wanting me to get out of the house more since we've had some financial upsets and I've really gotten down about my inability to find a job. Being overqualified sucks as much as being underqualified. Oh, well. One day. At least I've started hearing back from a few places.

So, just a month until I get to visit family, a date tomorrow night, and I've started getting at least some vague interest from places that may possibly one day want to hire me. It's a pretty good day.
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  #137  
Old 07-27-2012, 10:16 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Good day. Minus the fact that I'm staying up all night so I can pick Keith up from work in a couple of hours, I had a great time. Made some yummy food, watched an awesome movie, and met a pretty amazing person. No instant or crazy chemistry, but we got along great and we're going to hang out again soon.

I also talked to a (local) friend that I hadn't spoken to for about a week. We had a really good conversation and our senses of humor are so similar - it's great. Hopefully she and I get a chance to hang out minus the men sometime soon. No offense to them, but sometimes it's nice to bond woman-to-woman. And she is someone I could definitely see myself interested in once we know each other better.

It was soooo hard to meet people for months, but now it seems like I'm going to be busy left and right again. Gotta love it!
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  #138  
Old 07-31-2012, 04:28 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Date #2 tomorrow! I'm excited, because I think it will be really fun (we're just going to wander a specific area of the city that has a lot of bookstores/art galleries/coffee shops) but nervous because I got sunburnt and I have no idea what to wear that won't interfere with the blisters but will still look cute. lol

I also have a couple of job interviews lined up later in the week, which is awesome. I don't know that either of them are going to work out (the scheduling is weird AND I've already planned a week long vacation in a month...) but getting back into the habit of being in interviews and interacting with people on that professional level will be great for me even if a job doesn't come of it.

Life has been stressful - money-wise, small spats with Keith, etc, etc, but I think I may be seeing a light at the end of it. Not that it's been terrible, but it definitely hasn't been the best.
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  #139  
Old 08-02-2012, 04:55 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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*sigh of contentment*

Major steps have been taken this week.

I'm pretty sure I only have one more step to officially let go of any hope that Fiona and I will even be friends in the near future. After a final effort to reach out and keep in semi-regular contact, she disappeared (again) and then got upset when I said I was done putting out the effort if she wasn't going to reciprocate. I kind of feel like she deserves an explanation about how poly was actually one of the reasons Keith and I moved, what kind of relationship I'm really looking, and how the poly community has become such an important part of my life since I've moved out here. She doesn't know I've been trying to date. She doesn't really know anything about my life here. I think telling her would make me feel better and know that I've put it all out there for her to decide if what she wants/is willing/is able to do would fit with what I want/need, but I don't really know if SHE would want to know.

Date #2 lasted 12 hours. He is officially being dubbed Bashful, because he is adorably shy. The date was great, though. We went to bookstores and randomly wandered, met a friend/woman he is casually dating for coffee (she and I share a career path so she was giving me some info to help me in the job hunt), then we actually went back to her place and hung out with her and her partner for a while, then he brought me home and we continued sitting on the couch and talking for hours. Finally about 10 hours after picking me up, he kissed me and we spent another 2 hours cuddling and kissing and tickling (okay, he was tickling and it wasn't on purpose I'm just super sensitive, but it was fun). Finally it was almost time for Keith to get home from work, and I was exhausted so he went home. It was just so casual and fun and nice. So many stories shared. It was just... nice. I'm excited to see where this goes.

I've also had a few job interviews. Nothing is working out so far, but I'm getting closer! And I got caught up and have been maintaining my housework (finally). I've also made plans with some friends for the weekend. So, yeah. It's been a good couple of days.
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  #140  
Old 08-03-2012, 05:46 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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So, Fiona texted me at random this morning. Funny since I had drafted an email to send her. After discussing what she'd asked me about (Fifty Shades of Grey.. Ugh! Eventually I'm going to give in and read that damn book, but I am NOT looking forward to it!), I told her about how involved in the poly community I've become. She asked if I'd met anyone special, and I told her that I'm not sure yet, but that I have been on a few dates with a guy. No response yet.

Half of a check, though, for saying half of what I wanted to. I'll gauge her response (if I get one) and decide if I want to tell her the other, more emotional half. The half that puts all of the various thought processes I've gone through about her on the table. The one that explains WHY I thought it important that she know how important being poly has become to me. Or maybe I'll just give up and send the long version to her via email. We'll see... lol Overall this is making me feel better, though. Good thing Keith peer pressures me into doing what I know I need to do.

In other news... Date #3 tonight!
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