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  #51  
Old 01-04-2010, 07:57 PM
dakid dakid is offline
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redpepper i hope you don't me saying this (i respect your views i just don't entirely understand them). why is it that you are uncomfortable about including sex to the extent you describe? you have, it is true, repeatedly said that you don't like this (or words to that effect) but what i am not understanding and am curious about is why.

i could to some extet understand if the state was threatening to remove your child, because of your sexual activities, but i'd like to seperate any fear you may around that from your general discomfort with the thought that someone somewhere might think you are having more sex, or sex in different contexts, to that which you are having.

i hope i am right in thinking that there is no current threat to your custody of your son, and that this is highly unlikely in the future.

would you mind helping me to understand this by explaining further along the lines i have described?

thank you

x
redpepper and mono, i'd also like to ask - is it that you don't think or want certain behaviours to be part of poly because you don't yourselves approve of those behaviours, or only because you think it is the best tactic to protect your family? is it both? or just the second?

x
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  #52  
Old 01-04-2010, 08:03 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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From that perspective it is best to simplify and reduce weight or weaknesses to better my position. Therefore I stick to hard and fast definitions and descriptions.
But rejecting a word because of the connotations and prejudices attached to the word isn't sticking hard and fast to the definition of the word. It sounds like you're choosing to stick to the descriptions instead of the word in order not to be associated with the prejudices that others may attach to the word.

The only trouble is that by rejecting the word as such, it can appear to other poly people that you hold the same prejudices about people who are poly that that others may hold when they attach such prejudices to the word. This probably isn't the case, but it can come across that way.
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  #53  
Old 01-04-2010, 08:06 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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i fully respect your right to do what you think is for the best, don't get me wrong, but i cannot support you in doing so and will speak up to defend myself and my communities.

x
Don't get me wrong Dakid. I won't attack or try to shape things to fit my needs. That would never be my intention.
I simply won't identify with those that don't further my cause. What's yours is yours and what's mine is mine sort of thing. No hostility, just disassociation with certain terminologies if that is what is deemed necessary.
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  #54  
Old 01-04-2010, 08:13 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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The only trouble is that by rejecting the word as such, it can appear to other poly people that you hold the same prejudices about people who are poly that that others may hold when they attach such prejudices to the word. This probably isn't the case, but it can come across that way.
I totally see your point Ceoli and I agree with you. It certainly could come a cross as that. To say that I don't have some prejudices that I struggle with daily would be a bold faced lie...but I am working on that.

I could say exactly what other people want me too just to make it easy on myself but that would promote no growth in myself, nor would it challenge others to better their arguments and method of communicating. By recognizing my own areas for development I might be able to help others bridge a gap with their own.
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  #55  
Old 01-04-2010, 08:13 PM
dakid dakid is offline
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no worries mono. but do you think this only based on a perceived tactical advantage or also because you yourself disapprove of "promiscuous" behaviour?

i am genuinely intrigued.

x
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  #56  
Old 01-04-2010, 08:15 PM
dakid dakid is offline
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I totally see your point Ceoli and I agree with you. It certainly could come a cross as that. To say that I don't have some prejudices that I struggle with daily would be a bold faced lie...but I am working on that.

I could say exactly what other people want me too just to make it easy on myself but that would promote no growth in myself, nor would it challenge others to better their arguments and method of communicating. By recognizing my own areas for development I might be able to help others bridge a gap with their own.
perhaps you just answered my question? if so full respect for your honesty.

x
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  #57  
Old 01-04-2010, 08:21 PM
dakid dakid is offline
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Don't get me wrong Dakid. I won't attack or try to shape things to fit my needs. That would never be my intention.
I simply won't identify with those that don't further my cause. What's yours is yours and what's mine is mine sort of thing. No hostility, just disassociation with certain terminologies if that is what is deemed necessary.
i just hope that attitude will ensure that you are never tempted to tell others that their practises are "not poly", and that you will stick you the concept "whats yours is yours" as you say - what others describe as poly is true for them its just not how you practise poly yourself. a valid and understandable distinction for you to make, as long as it contains acknowledgement that their poly is also poly.

i thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly and honestly.

x
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  #58  
Old 01-04-2010, 08:24 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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I totally see your point Ceoli and I agree with you. It certainly could come a cross as that. To say that I don't have some prejudices that I struggle with daily would be a bold faced lie...but I am working on that.

I could say exactly what other people want me too just to make it easy on myself but that would promote no growth in myself, nor would it challenge others to better their arguments and method of communicating. By recognizing my own areas for development I might be able to help others bridge a gap with their own.
I just wonder how holding prejudices about other people's expression of poly that are the same prejudices that you hope others don't hold against you and your family helps to prevent the prejudice from affecting your family.
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  #59  
Old 01-04-2010, 08:25 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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perhaps you just answered my question? if so full respect for your honesty.

x
Sadly, I do admit to having prejudices and a tendency to judge. I am working on this because I truly understand that what others do does not affect what I have or do.

I have a tendency to look at a situation and put myself into it which usually results in a big "not in this fucking lifetime".

For some reason I can look at a single person who plays the field or dates multiple people and totally get it. It is when the word amory or love is woven in with this activity that I slip into judgment. Clearly I have an issue with differing ideas of the word "love" and the depth it implies. But this is my issue...I own it and will deal with it. It is not something directed at specific people but at concepts and general practices. Again...my issue, my burden.

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I just wonder how holding prejudices about other people's expression of poly that are the same prejudices that you hope others don't hold against you and your family helps to prevent the prejudice from affecting your family.
The only way I see is to not claim to be anything but in a multi-partner relationship. I gave too much information out in the past and it lead to judgment that took a long time to dispel.

I don't expect everyone to get over all prejudices. For those (including myself in some areas) it will just be a case of keeping their mouth shut.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 01-04-2010 at 08:46 PM. Reason: merge posts
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  #60  
Old 01-04-2010, 08:44 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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i just hope that attitude will ensure that you are never tempted to tell others that their practises are "not poly", and that you will stick you the concept "whats yours is yours" as you say - what others describe as poly is true for them its just not how you practise poly yourself. a valid and understandable distinction for you to make, as long as it contains acknowledgement that their poly is also poly.

If he doesn't acknowledge it, does it make their poly any LESS poly than his poly?

It seems as though if you know yourself, you don't need to have others acknowledge that sort of thing. If I needed someone else to validate a label I gave myself, then I'd ask myself if that thing is really part of me or am I just trying to impress or shock people?
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