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Old 12-15-2011, 12:10 AM
danaud danaud is offline
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I am dating a man who was in a poly relationship a few years before we met. He didn't date other woman, but he dated a woman who lived with another man. He always broke up with her when he met a new woman he liked because he didn't feel comfortable telling the new woman he was dating another woman. Eventually, he decided he wanted to embrace poly, but never dated other woman while in the relationship. Ironically, they finally broke up because she met another man who didn't want to be poly. Now she is mono with this man.

We started as friends, and then it became more. He told me he was not interested in being poly at that time. Then four months into our relationship, he lost his job and fell into a very deep depression. It brought up all sorts of back issues and I stood by him through it all. It increased our intimacy and I don't regret a minute of it, though at times, it was very hard. It did effect our sexual relationship, however, believing as he did that it would get better when he felt better. He told me on many occasions that better times are ahead for us and we will have fun again.

But:

He met a woman who is part of a poly group. He has decided to pursue her and others in order to be sexual and have fun...find a balance from our relationship that includes the difficulties we share with each other (I have had my own problems that he supports me). In other words, I will be there for him when he is depressed and he will seek this group for his fun, sex and flirtation. This has been a pattern of his in the past: if I find the right person/situation, I will feel better.

It didn't work in or out of his poly relationship: being with his poly GF with all the sexual freedom he wanted, he still harks back to all his past sexual frustrations as reasons all his sexual problems (including masturbation) and lack of self esteem with women. He broke up with his poly GF many times in pursuit of a new woman who would be the right one to make him feel all better. Guess what, it didn't work. I think he is using poly as a means to heal all the hurts of the past that plague him still without confronting the issues themselves. Being poly (anymore than being mono would) is not going to cure the ills, though he thinks they will. The only way any of us can feel better, is facing our issues and dealing with them directly, not by finding some "bandaid" to cover the hurt.

As a side note, I am not poly, so I feel as though he sees my argument against his present pursuit as jealousy or fear of poly. That is not the case. Although I myself choose not to be poly, I respect it.

If he were at a point in his life where he felt good about himself (sexually and otherwise) and were in a healthy pattern of behavior, I would support him pursuing poly ( or any other lifestyle) he chose.

Our relationship was built on friendship first. I wasn't someone with whom he was infatuated, as he has in the past with a married woman or who caused the break ups with his poly GF. We started as friends: I listened to his escapades pursuing a married woman to whom he was deeply infatuated. It ended badly, but it seemed at the time that he grew and learned from the experience. Our friendship grew into a really close, intimate sexual relationship.

He believes that this new poly experience will give him his sexual drive back and bring fun into his life.

I have proposed that we work on OUR relationship and bringing the fun back into it first. I proposed that he "date" me and we have fun for a while in addition to dealing with his past hurts and present depression before he embarks on something new. I want to strike a balance: have fun AND deal with the tough stuff.

When he was with his poly GF, (after their multiple break ups), she requested that he not pursuit any woman until they were back on solid ground as a couple. I am asking for something similar: I would like to find our sexual fun and flirtation again and balance our relationship before he ventures off elsewhere.

SO I present this for some feedback. Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps being poly will make him feel better. I don't know, I am not poly. My experience in life, however, is that no person or situation makes things change, we make things change by our hard work dealing with our internal issues. I'm quite sure he may have fun and forget his problems while courting new women for a while, but I think eventually, the issues will seep out and effect those relationships as well. JMHO

Would love some feedback :-)
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Old 12-15-2011, 07:15 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by danaud View Post
When he was with his poly GF, (after their multiple break ups), she requested that he not pursuit any woman until they were back on solid ground as a couple. I am asking for something similar: I would like to find our sexual fun and flirtation again and balance our relationship before he ventures off elsewhere.

SO I present this for some feedback. Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps being poly will make him feel better. I don't know, I am not poly. My experience in life, however, is that no person or situation makes things change, we make things change by our hard work dealing with our internal issues. I'm quite sure he may have fun and forget his problems while courting new women for a while, but I think eventually, the issues will seep out and effect those relationships as well. JMHO
Bingo, I think you are on the right track. A solid foundation before exploring other options is what I consider the best formula for successful poly dynamics. That means a healthy balance of all aspects of life, not just the drudge stuff.
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Old 12-15-2011, 12:03 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Yeah, you seem exactly right. Has he been to counseling?
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Old 12-15-2011, 06:49 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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You seem very self aware and have very good perception of the facts and issues involving your relationship. So whats in this for you. You didn't paint this guy in the best light. Short term maybe fun ....long term ????? Drama for sure.

My question is why put yourself through it ...for what? How much fun ?

And YES issues always seep out ....that's a universal law ... hence all the therapists.

Good luck
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Old 12-17-2011, 11:28 PM
kirsten kirsten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
You seem very self aware and have very good perception of the facts and issues involving your relationship. So whats in this for you. You didn't paint this guy in the best light. Short term maybe fun ....long term ????? Drama for sure.
Agreed! How long have you been with him? It sounds like the sparks fizzled fast, and he isn't really interested in putting in effort to get it back. Or maybe he was receptive to that, you didn't specifically say. It sounds like you've identified some core problems of his that cause him to hop from relationship to relationship... and that he has a tendency to leave behind the old. I don't want to sound harsh, but I am having a hard time understanding what motivates you to hang in there with this guy. Although I know that we tend to focus on the negative when we're venting out on the internets.

It's definitely reasonable of you to ask for a solid foundation in your relationship before he goes off to frolic. *And* equally importantly, for him to continue putting effort into your relationship after he does start seeing other people. Otherwise, NRE can just carry him away, which sounds like what he may be looking for.

Good luck!
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