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  #61  
Old 12-28-2009, 07:56 AM
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Hi booklady, you seem to be where our triad was at about 8 months ago... about the time we started writing on here. If you want to look back that far.

I totally get what you are talking about. I too would have no problem with my husband finding another. In fact he has a boyfriend that has come on our scene since i got together with Mono.

If Mono found another I would be out. I get that he is not interested in another and I get that he couldn't be poly, so I have thought long and hard about what that means. I would be VERY concerned if he took interest in another woman.

I love that he is mono. There is something so settling and calming for me in that. I can sit back and be loved by him entirely, without any thought that I will have to do any work around other partners. I have that work with my husband and that is enough for me.

On the other hand though, I could not be with just mono. It would bring up all the issues I had when I was in other mono relationships and would lead to my leaving eventually as my needs would not be met. My husband and I have a bond through poly as much as I have a bond with Mono through monogamy. I am finding that hard to explain, but really I feel I have the best of both worlds... they are a package deal to me.
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  #62  
Old 12-28-2009, 08:00 AM
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On the other hand though, I could not be with just mono. It would bring up all the issues I had when I was in other mono relationships and would lead to my leaving eventually as my needs would not be met. My husband and I have a bond through poly as much as I have a bond with Mono through monogamy. I am finding that hard to explain, but really I feel I have the best of both worlds... they are a package deal to me.
This is such a true statement. I think about if things were to change and it was just us and I know it would not be possible for the long haul either as my own needs would become different and more possessive. You and your husband are a package deal as well...cool how that works
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  #63  
Old 12-28-2009, 11:43 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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I totally get what you are talking about. I too would have no problem with my husband finding another. In fact he has a boyfriend that has come on our scene since i got together with Mono.
I seem to remember you mentioning that you might not be happy if your husband developed a relationship with another woman. Have you managed to get past that?
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  #64  
Old 12-28-2009, 08:03 PM
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I seem to remember you mentioning that you might not be happy if your husband developed a relationship with another woman. Have you managed to get past that?
I was just PMing someone about this. Funny you should ask.

On Christmas eve my husbands boyfriend was over and visiting our house for the first time. I took note of how much he is like other women and men that my husband chooses to associate with. It made me feel special that he chooses good people that are similar to me, yet different. I felt that because I could see myself in his partner that I was special to him. Does that make sense? He had qualities about him that I like in myself and that made me feel good.

So if he were to find a woman I think I could handle it as I would assume that it would be a similar experience. I would think that I would also like the women he chooses for the same reasons. Of course this could be seen as a threat also.

Of course this remains to be seen and is an expectation. I have always been open to him finding a female as much as a male, I just think I would react differently. That remains to me seen also.

I think I am a bit more past this, but really until it happens I won't know. I can only prepare and then try and remember what my preparations were when the time comes.

I certainly won't be happy as such, but will be happy for him and can see how my happiness for myself could grow. I would be surprised really as he isn't looking and has told me that he is fine with the way things are at the moment. He will tell me if he ever thinks that he is ready to actively look again.
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  #65  
Old 12-31-2009, 01:31 AM
Brooklyne Brooklyne is offline
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Default Healthy jealousy for a first timer

Hi. I'm new to this lifestyle. And by new, I mean the courting of another girl finally came to a head last night. I didn't know how I was going to feel about it until it happened. A slight tinge of jealousy hangs in the back of my mind like wondering if I left the iron on. It's just there. I'm a very secure person. I know who I am, I love myself AND I am secure in my ability to handle new situations -- I'm adaptable. I just can't seem to shake the nagging feeling in the back of my head and the seemingly unrelated - and I hope it is - nausea.

A little history: My beau and I dated 5 years ago. Our relationship ended when he slept with another woman. He never explained his sex addiction to me and I was blind sided. I was more upset about the lying that went on surrounding the month he was sleeping with her. Sex has never been a coveted thing for me, but honesty is the pure air in which I breath; It is my life force. Not being able to trust him, we went our separate ways. Four years later, I ran into him at a local venue, tell him I forgive him, which I had, and move on with my life. It was a short while before we were back at it again, trying to make something work. He had to learn to forgive himself and accept himself as I do. The lying was a symptom of his archaic ideals -- marriage and monogamy are the main goal and anything else is bad.

We have been honest with each other through this last year, including my acceptance of the inevitable. Accepting him as a sex addict, I cannot expect him to remain faithful to only me. He will explore especially when the pressure hits [it seems to be his breaking point]. The terms of our current relationship is such that I will know who he has been with, for my safety and his. He has been painfully [for him] honest and is accepting it as a way of life.

Last night, a girl, a friend of us both, came over and we all hung out. This is not the first time this has happened, though this was the first time anything happened between the two of them. I went to bed. He came to bed hours later and didn't touch me. Normally he cuddles up with me and holds me for an hour or so before turning over. He didn't even rub me. He laid there, as far from me on the bed as possible. I knew at that point that it had happened and immediately became nauseous. Been nauseous since.

She's here all day, will be here until tomorrow and I don't know how to shake this jealousy/nausea. I like this girl. She's amazing, loving, funny, and thinks I'm awesome. If I had stayed awake, it'da been us three. So, I'm not really getting the jealousy. He cuddled with her on the couch this afternoon while they played video games [to clarify, we're on vacay, so time is ours ]. I noticed that I didn't like that much. But I feel that jealousy correlates with not getting much attention from him after finding out what happened. This is my first time being in this sort of relationship. I'm calling it polyamorous because of the 2 months of courting he did with her, she is a family friend and I am super close to her. She's not just a one night fling that he'll never call again. We'd discussed those types of relationships and he's more uncomfortable with them than I am.

My issue: I don't want to hate this. I pride myself in being open, loving and able to handle heavy loads. I love him. He is more than a partner to me, he is my soulmate. My only goal is for him to be happy. I left last time because I could not trust him, which would harm the relationship irreparably. I expect to continue in our relationship as it is, but with a new confidence on his side because the sacred seal has been broken... he has gone somewhere no woman has ever allowed him before. I am the first girlfriend that hasn't tried to change him and has only encouraged him to grow and accept himself as he is. I'm certain the jealousy will subside, so I suppose I'm here to tell my story, vent and get feedback. I hope to hear [read] stories of others that have gotten over this hump. Being new and hating jealousy [it's not a feeling I'm used to - I experienced it for the first time 5 years ago], I am ready for this lump in my throat to be over. Someone hand me a light!
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  #66  
Old 12-31-2009, 06:30 AM
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There is a lot on this forum about jealousy, have a look around and have a good read. I hope some of it helps.

The fact is that he cheated. He broke your agreement again. Of course you would have feelings about that. An agreement is an agreement, even if you like this woman and see her as potentially someone to have around for awhile or for the long haul.

What does she say about all this anyway? Has she said anything at all? If not then that is a red flag to me. If she is really going to work out then a conversation about what happened and what it means to you is a good step to take I would think.

I would hope to that you would talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you feel about his cheating on you again. Just because he has a sex addiction and you have been the only one to accept that, does not mean he gets to do whatever he wants in my opinion. Perhaps some communicating about what to do in situations where there is another female in the house would be in order? It may not be the end of the world, just something that was over looked perhaps.
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  #67  
Old 12-31-2009, 07:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Brooklyne View Post
He never explained his sex addiction to me and I was blind sided.
"Sex addiction" is actually a very serious condition. I thought I had one and was actually evaluated as not having one. Seriously..this is not something to take lightly if he truly does have one. I'm not saying he doesn't but if he is just self diagnosing it may be more of an excuse to act on impulse, not an inability to control sexual behavior. Sex addiction is a destructive force.

Has he gotten any treatment for this? Your health could be at risk as well as sexual addiction can leads to extremely dangerous sexual safety issues.

Take care
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  #68  
Old 12-31-2009, 07:07 PM
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But I feel that jealousy correlates with not getting much attention from him after finding out what happened.
Did he tell you about what happened, or did you just assume that something did based on his behavior? If he didn't talk to you about it and tell you what had happened, then he's still not being honest with you about his relations with other women, which seems like cheating. He may have not wanted to touch you because he felt guilty about what he did with your friend.

You should definitely talk to him about it, and about how it made you feel. I agree with Redpepper that being poly isn't about having a free pass to do what you'd like with anyone. It's a lot easier to operate within everyone's comfort zone when you know where the boundaries are.

Do you think you would have felt better about it if he had talked to you about being with her before it had happened? Should he have told you when he came to bed? Do you feel like you need a normal level of affection (or more?) from him when there's another woman there? These are things you should probably talk about with your man if you want to feel more comfortable about it next time, if you want a next time.

If you're clear about your expectations with him, then it'll be easier for him to feel more comfortable sharing with you, too.

Anyway, hope that helps. Hang in there.
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  #69  
Old 12-31-2009, 11:27 PM
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Wow, I thought I was being clear, but it seems from the responses I was not. I read and reread my post and thought it was okay, that my points were made.

I'm lost as to what to say to you all. Um, thanks for trying?
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  #70  
Old 12-31-2009, 11:44 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Wow, I thought I was being clear, but it seems from the responses I was not. I read and reread my post and thought it was okay, that my points were made.

I'm lost as to what to say to you all. Um, thanks for trying?
There was nothing UNclear about your original post. However, it seems as though you were looking for a particular response and did not get it.

You asked for ways to help deal with your jealousy, and people offered some suggestions. I don't think you need to say anything to us "all" because you initiated the conversation, and people responded. It isn't like this has reached the level of "debate" yet where you need to be "making points".

Something about your more recent post suggests to me that there is some kind of control-struggle going on in your relationship, but of course we don't know how your life works, what you've been through, etc. etc. etc. and if I were to continue speculating I'm afraid I might be perceived as "judging" you so I'm gonna stop here.
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