Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 10-01-2009, 10:20 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

Amen! It's not about whether or not we're jealous, it's about how we handle that jealousy. It's about whether or not we're willing to take a hard look at what that jealousy is telling us about ourselves or our relationship and communicate openly and honestly about those concerns. I've known a lot of people that spend a long time trying to transcend jealousy or claiming that they have transcended all jealousy. I think many times this is just a form of denial.

We should never have to apologize for what feelings we're experiencing. How we *handle* those feelings is what matters.
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 10-01-2009, 10:59 AM
aussielover's Avatar
aussielover aussielover is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Home Sweet Home :D
Posts: 262
Default

If we had a like button I'd click it.

Was beautifully put, both of you. Very insightful. I think everyone gets jealous at some point or another. Agreed it's the way you handle the emotion, not the emotion itself.
__________________
"Thou art to me a delicious torment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Home
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 10-01-2009, 03:24 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I've known a lot of people that spend a long time trying to transcend jealousy or claiming that they have transcended all jealousy. I think many times this is just a form of denial.

.
We have friends that absolutely refuse to use the word jealousy, but when the primary barged in on her and her secondary just as they were about to have sex, he said that he "had concerns."...such bullshit.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 10-01-2009, 07:58 PM
redsirenn's Avatar
redsirenn redsirenn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Sunny CA
Posts: 293
Default

Thanks Redpepper.
It's funny how sometimes things are so well timed. Your post is a great reminder to me.
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 10-01-2009, 08:25 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,508
Default

Question for you all:

So when you feel jealous-what do you do with/about it?

For example, if you feel jealous about your primary holding hands with their secondary-what do you do? Whose responsibility is this?

I have this ... conflict. Because in my opinion if a person feels jealous-it is their own emotion. I rarely feel jealous -rarely. But on the occassions do-I start by talking to MYSELF about it. Asking myself WHAT I am feeling that way about, WHY that bothers me, what about the behavior, action, look or whatever is threatening to me and in what way. I have never gotten to a point where I found that my jealousy was in ANY WAY caused by a legitimate reason that the other person was in any way responsible for.

Recently my secondary (I hate these terms, but it's easier to explain using them when dealing with people who don't know me) told me I wasn't his type. I was jealous and upset at first. But then I was like-ok so what? He's OBVIOUSLY attracted to me, OBVIOUSLY madly in love with me and OBVIOUSLY devoted not only to me but to my husband and children as well. So why does it matter to me that I am not his type? Well ultimately-it doesn't. In fact it's kind of an ego trip once I thought it through because that means I rated above all those women who ARE his type.


On the other hand, my primary gets jealous anytime he thinks about the possibility of me having sex with someone else, or kissing them, or holding hands or going on vacation (those are all specific examples he's listed) or going to dinner, or going to the movies........
And he see's it as "these actions cause my jealousy so they should not be done when I will have to deal with them".

SO-what do YOU all do with/for dealing with your jealousy and what is your take on it?
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 10-01-2009, 10:12 PM
ourquad's Avatar
ourquad ourquad is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: florida
Posts: 83
Default

LovingRadiace,

I do much of what you mentioned when I feel jealous. Why do I feel this way? Is is solely within me? Is it something I am percieving or is the situation actually a problem? Is there something that has triggered an insecurity of mine (yes 98.9% of the time)? Is there something that my SO is doing differently that has triggered it? If so, is it something I can adapt to or does it conflict with my beliefs?

There have been times it is something I have totally misunderstood. Sometimes I have to ask myself where the heck I came up with that perception. Sometimes, I've had to ask for some help form my SO. It makes me feel X when you do Y.

Then there have been times I've discovered it is envy more than jealousy. Say that Gator and I have for years made time for a date once a week. Now that he has Kitten in his life, we aren't able to fit one in once a week but try for once evey two weeks. Ok, this works. But then say life just keeps getting in the way of those date of ours and we never seem to be able to have one. However, life doesn't hit the relationship he has with Kitten as hardly and doesn't interfere with their date nights. I'm not jealous that he is having them with her but I miss the ones we should be having and I envy the time she is getting with him. I have to talk with him and we both have to agree not to let that life interfer as much and for us to get the much needed bonding time as well. Here, I can be happy he is getting his time with Kitten but unhappy our time together has been delayed. It can come out hurt and irritable as jealousy would but that isn't what I am feeling. I had to analyze first and then go from there.

Sorry to ramble.

Vol
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 10-01-2009, 10:20 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,508
Default

Ourquad,
I certainly don't mind your "ramble". I'm planning to share this thread with hubby and I am interested in everyone's perceptions! The more we hear, the easier it is to see into ourselves!
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 10-02-2009, 05:28 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,677
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Question for you all:

So when you feel jealous-what do you do with/about it?
For me it's usually because I don't think the person who is the object of my jealousy has spent enough time and energy getting to know me and respecting my place in my husbands life. I need to feel that their intentions are honorable and that my husband respects that I am first when he starts a new relationship. If the person makes an effort and I can see it then I am usually very giving of letting go of my husbands time with me.... even if they are obviously having a hard time talking to me and approaching me I am willing to take that as an effort. I am not always that easy to approach as I am very confident, intuitive and trust that in myself, clear to the point of being blunt about what I think, I am very passionate about my beliefs around certain topics and most of all very protective of my husbands heart... I have seen it damaged and will raise hell if necessary if anyone hurts him again.

I go with my gut a lot and sometimes I am jealous when I just don't think the person is good enough to be in our lives.... they have to be worth the effort and if I think they aren't then I rage if my husband thinks they are....

I do a lot of checking in with my body and where my feelings sit... for every emotion really, but for jealousy especially... I know myself well enough to know that if certain areas of my body are effected then it's for a certain reason...

Sometimes, just being rational is all it takes to realize what is going on.... for instance my co-worker went on her third trip over seas this year, not to mention all the little trips she's done... her husband works for an airline company and gets free stand-by tickets to anywhere they want to go. I have not been on holiday out of province, let alone off this island!!! in years.!!! I am fiercely jealous and dread her coming home with her stupid pictures of her stupid trip... grrrr..... I may be sick that day... just so you know. Don't tell my boss, k?

One last thing, there are several threads on this topic... look back or do a search cause they are gold!
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 10-02-2009, 06:06 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,508
Default

Thanks Redpepper!
I will do a search.
You guys are a wealth of info!!
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 10-02-2009, 09:21 AM
Sunshinegrl's Avatar
Sunshinegrl Sunshinegrl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 227
Default

I agree this post is very insightful. Jealousy is something that many people struggle with..Myself rather more frequently of late. And I believe working throught why I feel this way is the best way to deal with it. If I find myself feeling Jealous I try to identify why I am having these feelings and what I might be able to do to lessen Them or make them redundant. I think jealousy is a very normal feeling to have and that You can learn alot from it and that Communication is a very important part of dealing with it.
__________________
I donít get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here...
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know that I am
I am, I am
The luckiest..
~ Ben Folds five ~
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
communication, compassion, compersion, emotions, envy, feelings, jealous, jealousy, monogamy, poly, polyamory, possessiveness, relationship dynamics, relationship structures, relationships, respect, self esteem, unconscious

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:31 AM.