Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #261  
Old 07-11-2012, 09:40 PM
Glitter's Avatar
Glitter Glitter is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 115
Default

OMGosh! That is exactly how I see it myself I am so glad to read this, it makes so much sense. Thank you for posting, it has truly helped me I know this is my first post, but I've been lurking for a while now. This makes tremendous sense to me and I will be sharing it with my SO
Reply With Quote
  #262  
Old 07-12-2012, 12:28 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,425
Default

I believe that what you are describing is actually envy.

Jealousy is a resentment against a rival-or enemy.

Envy is wanting what someone else has.

I kind of think of it as jealousy is when I don't want someone else to have it period.
But envy is when I don't have it and they do and I want it too.

If that makes sense?

And to your thought-
Yes, I agree. I don't tend to be possessive or jealous by nature. However, I do find that it is harder when I want something and someone else has it but I can't.

On the other hand, if all of my needs are fulfilled, I can fully enjoy seeing them enjoy all sorts of things without any negative feelings erupting.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #263  
Old 07-12-2012, 12:34 AM
Glitter's Avatar
Glitter Glitter is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 115
Default

Very interesting point! I would never have thought of it that way
__________________
Me: 33 F
Married to: Storm 35 M
Reply With Quote
  #264  
Old 07-12-2012, 12:35 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,425
Default

Me either, but amidst some of our worst times, someone on here brought it up and it stuck with me.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #265  
Old 07-12-2012, 12:39 AM
Glitter's Avatar
Glitter Glitter is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 115
Default

I think envy is definitely a better term for it. I wouldn't want to limit my husband to a relationship with me only, so envy fits it better Thanks!
__________________
Me: 33 F
Married to: Storm 35 M
Reply With Quote
  #266  
Old 07-12-2012, 05:20 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Yep, it's usually envy I tend to feel. Hubby works out of town and when he takes advantage of non-monogamy, he does so when on the road. So I wouldn't be getting it anyway, but I can't help but feel some envy for the person who is. I don't let it stand in my way and it goes away easily with a bit of rational thought, but the first reaction is that small pang of envy.

I was well loved and attended as a child, so I have pretty high self-esteem. I don't tend to get jealous and insecure, and I usually recognize it as such pretty quickly and nip it in the bud. Usually that's just a matter of declaring that I feel such, and then deciding to manage it.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #267  
Old 07-12-2012, 05:53 AM
Glitter's Avatar
Glitter Glitter is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 115
Default

See, a few years ago, I had the worst insecurity. It took counselling and a lot of honest talks with hubby to really get it through my head that all the things I was afraid of, were not /my/ issues, but my parents'. I had to come to terms and understand that what my parents' did, does not dictate what /I/ do. Now and then I am a bit envious, but it's not bad, and I can make myself see that the person I am in envy of, is happy, and they deserve to be happy
__________________
Me: 33 F
Married to: Storm 35 M
Reply With Quote
  #268  
Old 07-12-2012, 07:03 AM
Arrowbound's Avatar
Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 275
Default

I generally feel envious when it comes to my SO drooling over the physicality of other women, specifically those whose body types I'd love to have. So I'll feel envious of said woman. Sometimes it's fleeting, sometimes it lingers for a little longer than that.
Reply With Quote
  #269  
Old 07-12-2012, 09:22 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,386
Default

I get pangs either when someone I have feeling for (but am not in a relationship with) is close to a female (and I wonder if she's his girlfriend, or going to be, etc) or if I don't know where a partner is and figure he might be with a girlfriend and has not warned me.

In the first case, it's because the guy I'm not with could be mono, therefore if he has a girlfriend or gets one, he won't be available anymore, therefore I'd actually "lose" something (while if it's a current partner, I'm already with him so what do I care?).
In the second case, it's the not knowing part that makes me feel bad, and the idea that he might have gone to see someone else and left me in the dark. It makes me feel neglected and unappreciated. If I receive a text saying he's got a date tonight or something, then that's fine because I was told. Although it's best if he first tells me "I'm thinking of asking X to a date tonight" or "X asked me to a date tonight" so I'm told before the decision is made and not told after the fact.
Reply With Quote
  #270  
Old 07-13-2012, 08:21 PM
Ready2Fly Ready2Fly is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 45
Default

I feel the same feelings.

I have exactly zero jealousy for my wife, since I am absolutely secure in our relationship; I know that we feel the same way about poly in general and our relationship in particular: that our feelings for and sex with other people has no bearing on our relationship with each other. Our relationship isn't remotely in any danger when she has a date with someone else or goes to bed with them.

On the other hand, I have a big crush on a mono girl right now, and we do a lot of "platonic dating:" i.e., we spend all kinds of time together and share a certain intimacy without being in an official relationship beyond "friends." I know that some day she'll find the monogamous hunka burnin' love that she's looking for. When that day arrives, what she and I have now will be gone. And holy crap do I get jealous of her. Scary jealous. Because I know she is mono and our intimacy is ephemeral. It could end at any moment.

And that's jealousy, because it's fear of losing something I have. There's no one to be envious of. Although I'm sure I'll be quite envious when that dude comes along.

I was actually thinking about this recently. Mono people get all jealously bent out of shape over sex. But I can't be jealous of sex with my crush, since we have none. Poly people get jealous over time.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
communication, compassion, compersion, emotions, envy, feelings, jealous, jealousy, monogamy, poly, polyamory, possessiveness, relationship dynamics, relationship structures, relationships, respect, self esteem, unconscious

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:09 PM.