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Old 03-11-2011, 05:05 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Carma View Post
I just read a book by Susan Forward called "Obsessive Love," and it really gave me some insight. When I think of jealousy (and this is not an emotion I struggle with, very often) I think it has a lot to do with obsessing over another person. I know for me I have to fight codependency issues, or I start to dissolve.

I can see where panic could set in at the thought of losing the love of someone you think you couldn't live without. I am working on the idea that the only person who will be with me till the end of time, is me. No sense glomming onto someone else for my own sense of worth or happiness... Deep down, once you learn to love yourself I think the jealousy feelings can subside. (Wow -- do I love myself? I guess I do!)

I really have no desire to possess another human being. If I love them I have no choice but to keep their freedom at the forefront of my mind. Otherwise they are loving me for less than pure reasons, which can hardly even be called "love" -- obligation, fear, duty, guilt, sympathy, pride ..... No thanks. You are free to love me and you are free to walk away.

I suppose I sound like I'm on a soapbox, I hope not -- this is my personal philosophy and I am not always 100% with it, myself, but it's what I strive for.
Thank you for posting this!!!! Very helpful to me.
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Old 03-11-2011, 08:56 PM
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
I suspect we all experience this

And like you are learning, the final solution is the same as it is for many things.


We just have to use the understanding (brain part) to play defense and ride it out until we start to look back (like you are) and realize how far we actually HAVE come !
From there the rest of the pins seem to fall more rapidly.

Keep on keeping on.......

Thank you!

This is what I have been trying to tell my husband (I think I need to email him what I wrote). In the past we have never moved past this point where we are now... me trying to work through the emotion of jealousy. That is part of why we stopped seeking another to add to the relationship. We would get so caught up in my jealousy that he would end any relationship before I could work through those issues. I do not want that to happen this time.

I WANT to work through this and given time I will... I already see improvement from last week and the week before that. I just hope that he sees that improvement as well. This forum has been a HUGE help (as well as one other forum I am on).
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Old 04-30-2011, 08:02 PM
livsen livsen is offline
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Default Jealousy

Advise needed please!!
My boyfriend and I decided to open up our relationship 6 months ago. (we live together and have been in a relationship for 5 years). At first he was ok with it (I was very frank and asked him how he felt about it) and after a while, found a nice girl whom he spent quite some time with. I`ve found an other guy and he and I, are very compatible as well.
As time has gone by, my boyfriend has gotten more and more resentful to the whole thing and has said that he canīt carry on with this lifestyle - heīs simply too jealous.
Myself, I`m poly and I love this lifestyle very much. Canīt think of going back to the mono-life again. Of course Iīm respecting my boyfriends feelings and at this moment we live a mono life again. I feel very tied down and as if invisble strings have been wrapped around my body.
I frankly donīt know what to do. I love my boyfriend SO much and canīt imagine life without him. However I feel as if I`ve lost a huge part of myself and my love of life, if I can never return to poly-life again.
Iīve tried to talk to him about it numerous times, but he wonīt listen. He canīt comprehend the fact that I am poly - or he wonīt.
Can you please give me some kind advice regarding this.
Can a man ever "learn" to live with and accept the fact that his girlfriend is seeing someone else - overcome his jealousy?
I tell him time and time again, that heīs the man of my life and I want to live and be with him. I try to reassure him the best way possible so he feels secure.
I`m desperate for advise!!
Thank you!!
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Old 04-30-2011, 08:07 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Since this is basically a post that says "Help! my partner is jealous! What should I/we do?", I've moved it to the "sticky" thread on jealousy/envy/insecurity. If you want to explore the nuances of jealousy as pertains to the ebb and flow of your relationship, you may go ahead and start a thread that is more specific in scope. The way it is now, the situation you are in is very common and many folks can benefit from such discussion. Perhaps also, you might benefit from reading the earlier posts in this thread.

I also recommend not using your real name in any of your posts unless you're prepared to have it live forever on the interwebz.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-30-2011 at 08:10 PM.
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Old 05-01-2011, 03:50 AM
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Originally Posted by livsen View Post
Can a man ever "learn" to live with and accept the fact that his girlfriend is seeing someone else - overcome his jealousy?
I tell him time and time again, that heīs the man of my life and I want to live and be with him. I try to reassure him the best way possible so he feels secure.
I`m desperate for advise!!
Thank you!!
Some people can and and some people can't I would imagine. Some people simply aren't compatable as lovers/partners.

I'm not sure telling him "time and time again, that heīs the man of my life" is necessarily very helpful. It might be better to focus on expressing your lifelong committment to him as a partner but not the man of your life. Your words (as I emotionally respond to them as a mono guy) do not coincide with your deisre for other men. It's a mixed signal that could be interpretted as a way to overcompaensate for the fact that you want and need more men in your life.

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Old 05-01-2011, 05:12 AM
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Try doing a tag search for "jealousy" and see what you come up with...this thread is good too! Jealousy is indeed one of the biggest, if not thee biggest concern in poly... along with time management.

If he doesn't want to walk through his jealousy and face it to see what it has to offer in terms of personal growth and in order to create a better relationship with you then that is his choice. You might have to move on. There is really nothing you can do if someone is refusing to even talk about it or look at it.

I suppose you could keep reassuring him (I agree that telling him something that is not necessarily the truth just to keep him with you is not a good idea), but eventually he will have to look at it. No reassurance from you alone is going to make it magically go away. There is a reason it is there and it might just be that he does not think poly in any way is a good fit for him. That's fine, but that won't work for you, so you'd have to move on or be mono with him. Likely the latter will be hard as trust would be an issue. It sounds like this is entirely up to him and what he decides. It could be that it is one of the more simple forms of jealousy such as fear of the unknown and adjustment to less time together that means having to have a more independent life. Both really hard to get through, but common.
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Old 05-01-2011, 05:34 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Interestingly... when you work through your own stuff-- jealousy and other things-- it's a HUGE growth opportunity. For yourself. And considering why you get envious or jealous... and talking about it with your partner(s), and figuring out how to get what you (and your partners) want and still stay sane-- that's HUGE. It creates growth and patterns of communication that affect all aspects of your life.

There are, however, some people who will go with "that's just how I am" and stay there. Unfortunately, there really is nothing you can do with that. At that point you just have to decide what's important to you,what you're willing to deal with and at what point you cut bait.

People have the right to say "I'm not goint to change". They do, however, then have to deal with possibly being left because of that.
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Old 05-01-2011, 10:34 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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IN a mono relationship jealousy is almost EXPECTED, and it's sometimes even thought that the relationship is "lacking" if both partners are not jealous to some degree. So, most of us are conditioned to the point the jealousy is a way of knowing someone cares about you, and if someone isn't jealous, they don't give a damn.

Could this be what's happening in your case livsen? If so, this is a relatively easy fix - a person just has to WANT to change it. But this type of change usually happens over a period of time, and like redpepper said, just reassuring your partner is not what makes it go away. You have to be honest with yourself and say, "What is REALLY bothering me?" In the end, what is REALLY bothering someone may in fact be that they just not into the poly thing; but this is a poly website so of course we're not going to suggest that you give up that easily.
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Old 05-02-2011, 01:02 AM
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To reassure you poly/mono relationships can work but they require both parties to work at it. If your partner is not prepared to do the work maybe he does not get the importance of this to you? Are you prepared to end the relationship over it?

There is a yahoo group dedicated to poly people in relationships with mono partners called livingpolymono. They might be able to help but I think the first thing you have to do is work out whether you are prepared to lose the relationship over this?

I'm a mono in a relationship with a poly partner and maybe it would also be good for you to have a look at my blog. It shows a clear progression from the early days where I was very lost, jealous and hurt, to now where the relationship is working well. It did require a lot of work but we did it and so have others both male and female.
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Old 05-02-2011, 05:36 PM
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Default Overcoming jealousy quiz...a bit of fluff

Just a quick quiz I took today for fun but it was an interesting result for me. thought I would share here as well as on my blog.

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