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  #131  
Old 05-06-2010, 08:22 AM
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post

And I see similar parallels in love & relationships too. At least in how they play out. Sometimes some people have put tremendous effort into themselves. Trying to learn to be a better person. They have become very "lovable". Desirable to be around. Warm and comfortable.
Trying to better be owners & directors of their own time. Made choices that put them in better positions more frequently. More flexibility.

But these are "action" items. Things we put intentional effort into with the expectation of rewards if we pull it off. But sitting back, crying "foul-unfair (envy)", doesn't move us closer to what we want. Only WE can move us closer sometimes. Action.
And yea, sometimes someone flies us there - free ! It happens. The equivalent of the lottery win. It happens !
Well damn ! You lucky bitch/bastard - let me give you a hug ! That's a choice too. I'm a believer in Karma And even if I wasn't - it sure makes me feel a lot better.

So it can look like a circle, where we move from acceptance to action and sometimes back around to acceptance. Every day is unique. But if we can be engaged in the process rather than wasting time sitting on the sidelines, the law of averages may work in our favor. All choices.

Thoughts & ramblings............

GS
Great post GS! Loved the whole thing especially the quote above and the bolded thoughts. Going to keep putting one foot in front of the other...more thinking before I act but definitely in an action state of mind! Thanks for your insight!
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  #132  
Old 05-06-2010, 08:02 PM
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I'm asking questions in an external perspective and context.

So if you know the difference how does that help? most people are jealous and envious at the same time because jealousy and envy are superficial(or skin-deep) emotions. If my g/f is out with another guy on a romantic date, i'm jealous because she's not with me, and envious because he's with her. They usually go hand in hand, feel equally as horrible, and given psychological observation i'm pretty sure they come from the same place...

Insecurity>
Comes from REAL inadequacy, not just feelings of it.>
That inadequacy comes from both a lack of mental balance, or whatever pieces of the--dichotomy of mental well-being--are missing, and the fear(read: replacement) for whatever is lacking. >
Whatever is lacking comes from childhood conditioning >
The fear comes from the Id

So, again...what exactly does knowing the difference accomplish?
how exactly do you deal with them, once you identify the difference?
Is there a way to deal with them separately?
What do you do when the feelings of jealous and envy return?





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  #133  
Old 05-07-2010, 12:12 AM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by rpcrazy View Post

So, again...what exactly does knowing the difference accomplish?
how exactly do you deal with them, once you identify the difference?
Is there a way to deal with them separately?
What do you do when the feelings of jealous and envy return?
Hi RPC,

Well, let me see if I can add any clarity. But this will be a bit of a shortcut and I might suggest you search and read more of this thread and others regarding the difference, how to identify it, and the corresponding actions to go along.

But in a nutshell.....

Jealousy comes from a place of FEAR.
How do you react to fear ?

Envy (short version) comes from a place of greed.
How do you react to greed ?

Do you see the difference now? Not at all the same and as you might see, the actions you would consider taking for one would be distinctly different for each. And inappropriate and unproductive to get reversed.
Make sense ?

How do you deal if & when they resurface ?
Isn't the whole idea of putting time & effort into understanding and mastering our life outlook intended to make us.....a "better" person ?
If we do some of that, can't we feel better about ourself ? More confident ? Less fearful ?
Why would we want to go backwards ?

Same tools. We know how to use them. We get better with experience.

Hope that helps some but keep talking...........

GS
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  #134  
Old 05-15-2010, 05:39 AM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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I'm in a relationship with a married woman. I am one of her three partners. I live with her other boyfriend, while she lives nearby with her husband. I feel no jealousy at all when she is with her husband, which is great, because she is with him more than she is with either of us. I'm totally desensitized to her being with him.

When she is with her other boyfriend I do feel negative emotions. They have a date night tomorrow night, and she will be sleeping over. I'm already feeling some anxiety. I knew that I felt insecure when they were together, and felt a little bit of envy, but I never wanted to admit that I felt jealous. I'm starting to admit that I feel jealous.

My reaction is that I feel insecure and inadequate. I don't feel angry about them being together. Some of you may have already read my thread about feeling inferior. He exceeds me in many measurable ways. I'm also interested in a relationship with him myself, but he isn't interested "right now". He says that he is open to the possibility of something evolving between us in the future. Saturday night and Sunday morning will be very intense for me.
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  #135  
Old 05-22-2010, 08:03 PM
saudade saudade is offline
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Default My two cents

In my experience, a person tends to experience jealousy largely due to some combination of temperament and personal history (and I won't speculate in what ratio!).

My personal experience of jealousy is that I only feel hurt when I am not permitted to express my feelings for someone (ex. one of us is in a mono relationship, or feelings are one-sided). If I'm allowed to be affectionate/loving/in a relationship, as the situation dictates, then I go straight to compersion without a problem. I'm certainly protective, as LR mentioned too, and that comes out as territoriality sometimes (my girlfriend has a boyfriend who's got some growing to do, and he raises my hackles pretty regularly), but I've never experienced actual jealousy in an existing romantic relationship.

There's a few people in my constellation who express similar tendencies with regards to jealousy. They all call themselves poly without hesitation, treat it as a preferred lovestyle, etc. We have a bunch who feel jealousy under more stereotypical circumstances, and so find particular aspects of poly challenging. Many of them express the 'stumbled into this' sentiment: they met one of us and fell in love, and now look what they're doing! (A few of them are now with multiple people themselves.)

Then there's our mono friends, who respect us but insist it's all too much for them. I suppose they're even more jealousy-prone?

That's how it seems to be within my constellation anyway...
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  #136  
Old 05-25-2010, 07:27 PM
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Originally Posted by saudade View Post
I suppose they're even more jealousy-prone?

...
I would hazzard a guess they simply love differently then you do and have a different idea of committment.

Jealousy is not the main reason people prefer monogamy in my experience; Thier concept of commitment and singular intimate focus is.
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  #137  
Old 05-26-2010, 02:40 AM
saudade saudade is offline
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Mono-- You're right that being mono is primarily about commitment, at least for many people. I wasn't trying to offend; sorry if I did.

That line was mostly idle speculation, following the train of thought in my post, though it was constructed with a few past conversations in mind. (You know that conversation, where a mono friend asks you, the person in a poly situation, for love advice? Ugh.)
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  #138  
Old 05-26-2010, 10:51 PM
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Originally Posted by saudade View Post
Mono-- You're right that being mono is primarily about commitment, at least for many people. I wasn't trying to offend; sorry if I did.

That line was mostly idle speculation, following the train of thought in my post, though it was constructed with a few past conversations in mind. (You know that conversation, where a mono friend asks you, the person in a poly situation, for love advice? Ugh.)
No offence at all my friend
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  #139  
Old 06-10-2010, 02:50 PM
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Default Some thoughts on jealousy

Hello, everyone. My intro-thingy's in my sig, so I won't bore you here by repeating it.

Something that's been bothering me lately is jealousy. Now, my girlfriend's married, and I don't resent her husband at all. I quite like him, as it happens. I had a serious wobble one weekend I was staying over - and she left me to go spend some intimate time with him. Now, while intellectually I knew that she'd come back, and that I was in the same position he had been in all weekend, I still felt a little slighted - like when she was with me she was thinking about being with him (she got a text asking for a cuddle). That bothered me at the time, though that sort of thing never bothered me before or since. It was just that one occasion where she left me for him.

On another occasion, the three of them were away at an even, and a guy (someone I don't know - and I don't think they know that well) gave the two girls a back rub. I didn't have big crazy about that, like I had above, but I did feel a little twang (and felt better when - a few days later - my gf said he'd probably be irritating). I don't know why it bothered me, but it did.

I've never been in a situation in this relationship where I've had to deal with an addition to our numbers. I'm the newest 'lovely' - secondary but not casual. Maybe that was part of it. I think another part is because my social life has slacked off a lot lately, so I've been putting more thought and energy into my relationship. Also, I have quite low self-esteem, so I don't see much chance of me ever adding to my own coterie.

So what about you guys? When you deal with jealousy, is it more with new people or with other staples in the relationship? I'm I still in a time of adjustment, and it'll get a bit easier? What do you think?
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  #140  
Old 06-10-2010, 03:54 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Hermes,

It's always useful to be aware (or recall) that true 'jealousy' is a fear triggered reaction. And in the majority of cases, this fear is of the 'unknown' !
We experience situations where we are not in a position of control and outcomes are unknown. Our brains are more than capable of filling in some pretty fantastic (but often highly unlikely) outcomes. Yeeoowwwwcccchhhh !

So understanding this - what are our options ?

1> Become IN the 'know' ! Reserve judgment (or action) until we do have some solid knowledge to go on. Far easier to deal with realities and facts then the wild stuff our brains can come up with

2> Realize and accept that the we are NOT the center of the universe and that things will unfold without our control or permission. It is what it is. Focus on building personal strength and flexibility. As evolution has taught us - the flexible and resilient survive. Rigidity is often fatal.
Things are seldom as bad as we first think and we generally have the ability within us to make the best of a less than perfect situation. Practice creative thinking and flexibility.

Remember - Post It Notes were were technically a failed batch of glue.

GS
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communication, compassion, compersion, emotions, envy, feelings, jealous, jealousy, monogamy, poly, polyamory, possessiveness, relationship dynamics, relationship structures, relationships, respect, self esteem, unconscious

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