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Old 12-15-2011, 12:20 PM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
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Ok instead of planning that your au-pair moves in with you how about the au-pair comes over for a vacation. Perhaps if all of 3 of you are together for a short period things can be discussed and perhaps dealt with. And the first sit down talk the 3 of you have may be explosive but it may also allow some healing to begin.
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Old 12-16-2011, 03:43 AM
cheryl cheryl is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 28

Even though the consensus seems to be that your wife will not accept this arrangement, I wouldnt be a bit surprised if in the future it is the au pair who pressures you into choosing, once you are back together. She may say that she is willing to live with you as a couple, but I suspect that during your affair, your focus was primarily on her, even if well hidden. The au pair may believe your feelings for your wife are primarily out of loyalty and obligation, not love and desire. ("She's old! How could he possibly not want me more?") Of course I have no way of knowing that. It's just a hunch. But it's a outcome you might want to consider in advance.

Last edited by cheryl; 12-16-2011 at 06:10 AM.
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Old 12-25-2011, 01:51 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by grim64 View Post
Judgement comments don't help but i suspect there are a few who tune in here who simply detest the fact this began out of an affair.
If this is directed toward me, I don't detest anything about your story (really do you think you are that important to me?). I've been involved with married cheaters in the past. I've cheated once or twice myself many many years ago when I was very young. When you set your ethics aside for lust, and choose not to control your desires, it is an easy trap to fall into.

It doesn't matter at all to me what you do, but you asked for opinions and advice. I wasn't being judgmental; I simply stated the facts as you presented them to us: You cheated and lied, a flat-out betrayal of trust. Your wife will not accept or agree to polyamory and told you it's either her or the au pair. You still want to move the au pair in anyway and continue that relationship while still married, despite what your wife has stated. That is selfish in the sense that you know your wife will not stand for it yet you want it anyway and are trying to figure out how to get what you want. You have not expressed any remorse for hurting the woman you married nor spoken at all about repairing the trust between you, the foundation of your marriage. It would seem that if you want to carry on with the young woman with whom you cheated, you will have to divorce your wife.

If not divorce, then your choices are to start cheating, lying, and hiding again, OR you re-invest in the relationship you have with the woman you married and then betrayed, before making any more attempts to negotiating for polyamory. If there really is love between you and the au pair, you both should be able to wait until you can manage multiple relationships from a healthy place. Opening a marriage from monogamy to polyamory simply won't work without a strong and healthy foundation of trust, respect, truthfulness, and lots and lots of searingly honest communication.
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-25-2011 at 03:05 PM.
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Old 12-25-2011, 02:05 PM
KindaPOd KindaPOd is offline
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 40

Well guys, this isn't going to end well. Probably.

Judgement comments don't help but i suspect there are a few who tune in here who simply detest the fact this began out of an affair.
That's an interesting attitude. Pretty common amongst the cheater crowd too (Let's have no delusions here. Cheating is cheating. Poly isn't a "Get out of jail" card for acting like an #ss).

What's wrong with judgements? What's wrong with being judged for your actions?

Just don't get it.

Last edited by KindaPOd; 12-25-2011 at 02:11 PM.
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Old 12-26-2011, 06:28 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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I agree with a lot to most of what has been said, the problem is I remember this. I remember the NRE, the feeling that it can all work out and so you just really don't hear the negative. So I'm going to try and help you put things in perspective. See, a lot of people have started their road to poly with cheating. So it's not that people are being judgmental, or looking down on you. Most of the advice you are getting is probably from a perspective of 'been there done that try not to crash and burn as I did.' We just aren't always so thrilled with reliving the hard parts. So here goes.

My husband and I are both in our mid thirties. About four years ago, I had an affair. Oh I didn't call it that of course, and it was emotional, long distance. I never slept around, I didn't end up in bed with someone else. The betrayal of my husband's trust was no less a betrayal because of it. I am only pointing it out because that's where things differ. Husband never had to worry about picturing me in bed with someone else and the proverbial laughing at how stupid he is for not knowing. Otherwise, all the same.

Sure, right now you are thinking, hey they got along before and were friends! We were all living together technically and it was good! Why can't it be that easy? Well, it can't. You love your wife, great, cause you'll need to remember that in the time to come. We spent years rebuilding trust. I had to be an open book. He read any emails I got if he wanted. Saw any IM messages I got or sent if he wanted to. We had much much discussion and yes I had to take a lot of getting yelled at. A lot of cold shoulders, a lot of pain directed towards me. Some of it, maybe a bit too harsh, but I caused the hurt. Sure I can't be responsible for other people's emotions, but when I've hurt someone, I AM responsible for that hurt. So, the relationship that was the betrayal? Did not last. Couldn't. For various reasons, the fact that the people involved were also betraying my husband and he didnt' even know them was a big part of it.

Your wife and this woman WERE friends. You say it as if they still are. They aren't. Trust me. If anything your wife may just be thinking this woman PRETENDED to be her friend while sleeping with her husband behind her back. That. Hurts.

So yes, there will be work to repair the damage in your marriage, and rebuild trust. Now here's the really unpleasant truth about it all. Even if, years later you are finally in a good place. There are more good days then bad even as she adjusts to being in a poly relationship. Which is what you are going for even if she remains monogamous. There will still be bad days.

It's four years for us. I'm in a new LDR. Most days, are good. I can talk to DH about my boyfriend. He asks, he sees us face timing or on the phone. There's a twinge but otherwise it's good! Now he is on a list, or a forum for poly people, or mono and poly people. He sees a story that reminds him of that betrayal four years later. It's now a bad day. It's all fresh and new again. The pain, the betrayal. The work we did rebuilding trust? it's there, but fresher, more painful and at the surface is the cheating wife who hurt him.

So you can be upset that people are judging you. they are trying to help you. If you can't even own up to the fact that you cheated, betrayed your wife, and continued to do so, only admitting it when you wanted to keep both relationships, then you haven't even begun to rebuild trust or heal the relationship you claim to want with your wife. It's harsh, it's hurtful, but sadly, it's the truth. Moving on from here? Sure, someday. When you've gone back and worked on the hurt. Too often people assume once it's out in the open then it's fine. Not fine. Two years. She doesn't see it as two years she didn't know, she is going to see it as two years she was lied to. That's a lot of pain. Acknowledge it. Own up to it. Understand there is not going to be a time where that no longer matters for a long, long, long time.
Me: 40 pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 21 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +9 years/former
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