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  #11  
Old 12-12-2011, 07:16 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Veto`s are *usually* used by those that feel out of control, and as previously mentioned, can be a type of deception.
This to me is what a veto is. That is the description I know anyway. Someone who is struggling and asking their partner to go slow, consider their opinion and perhaps adjust who they spend time with as a result is stating their boundaries. If the OP trusts her to realize he is going on a path that is his own and that she will not be un wise with her requests then that to me is not a veto. Vetos are essentially ultimatums; my way or your new love is out!
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  #12  
Old 12-12-2011, 08:07 PM
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Vetos are essentially ultimatums; my way or your new love is out!
I think that is what veto`s have...become ? They have a very narrow meaning now, based on the abuse of the term.

Until I came to this poly board, I wasn`t aware that veto`s were this horrid thing. Thinking back,..the only people I knew that used it, were in new relationships. 6 months and under.
Those over the 1 year mark, tended to just naturally work things out. I never knew of a situation where a 'veto' was used after a long period of time together. Once everyone hit the point of 'we're invested' ..I`ve never heard those types of ultimatums used.
My poly-type experiences before I came to this board, make me feel like I lived in some parallel universe.

General comment :

If the definition is a very specific meaning , maybe the OP just needs to use a different label. It looks like he has a wife who has some boundaries, and as she feels comfortable, she takes it upon herself to open up.

The OP trusts her, and obviously she trusts him. I`d hate to see that killed, all because of a distaste for a word, and the advice it brings.
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  #13  
Old 12-12-2011, 08:53 PM
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My concern for the OP using the word veto for something that is more commonly seen as a boundary issue is more directed towards the possible partners he will attract.

Veto is kind of old school now I think and is used as a distasteful word for "ultimatum." Its come a full turn since three years ago even. As have many terms commonly used in poly. I don't see a problem with using it if there is an explanation behind it, but frankly, if someone I was dating said he had a veto agreement with his wife I would not hear beyond that and quite easily assume the rigid version of the common meaning at this point in time.

I would assume that if I don't behave I will be told to leave regardless of my feelings, investment and time. I'd be one foot out the door already. I would hate to see that happen for the OP simply because he uses the word "veto" when to me (and generally others too) he is talking about his wife's perfectly normal and reasonable boundaries.

Really though, its up to you OP. Just trying to educate here. Take want you want and leave the rest.
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Old 12-13-2011, 05:10 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
. I'd be one foot out the door already. I would hate to see that happen for the OP simply because he uses the word "veto" when to me (and generally others too) he is talking about his wife's perfectly normal and reasonable boundaries.

Really though, its up to you OP. Just trying to educate here. Take want you want and leave the rest.
I'm here to be educated. I love my wife, and I'm lucky to have met P even if we never move beyond friendship. I talked to P tonight, we discussed what I mean by veto, and she's OK with it, says it's not that far from her relationship with her husband.

I'm probably not going to change the agreement with my wife, although I may discuss it in different terms to others. I don't want to mislead new people I meet in either direction, and if 'veto' has a different meaning in this context maybe a more detailed explanation is necessary.
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