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  #1  
Old 12-08-2011, 08:52 PM
supergoo supergoo is offline
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Default Im rubbish at polyamory, HELP!

Basically recently I have scarred away a guy I have been seeing by being to clingy and insecure and I would really like to rectify the situation although I fear its too late.

He is aware of my other partner who is now on the way out because I am not sure friends with benefits is a situation that is for me anymore, and not aware of a very recent new partner who is a girl I have become involved with very recently. He will know, if I ever see him again (ahhhrgrrrgg Im an idiot) because its the right thing to do.

I fear when I tell him he will be scarred away again as a result of beginning to view me as a potentially unstable mate as well as clingy. I would like to clarify that its not a case of jealousy or envy, its more a case of being quite demanding time wise. He has also accused me of being posessive, which is probably accurate in terms of my demands on his time.

I really want to break this cycle so i don't screw things up with the girl and i would really like to sort it out with the guy although I fear its too late.

All I want to do is have relationships with people I adore in a situation of equality and freedom but basically Im so bad at polyamory I need to be put in a bucket and thrown off a pier by a person specially qualified to throw things a long way. What do I do?
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  #2  
Old 12-08-2011, 11:49 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Being clingy, realizing you don't want what you wanted before any more, and keeping secrets all happen in mono relationships too. I don't think you're rubbish at poly or even rubbish at relationships in general necessarily. How much relationship experience do you have? These sound more like issues of inexperience to me than anything. Talk to your former partners and to your friends for perspective, do some reading about healthy relationships, maybe keep a journal, and just keep working at being the partner you want to be.

As for the guy who thinks you're clingy and possessive, is it possible that he's the one with the problem or at least that it's not all on your side? If you really do have problems with insecurity you may be blaming yourself too much for the disconnect here. Just something to think about.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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  #3  
Old 12-09-2011, 03:28 AM
nooneparticular nooneparticular is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Being clingy, realizing you don't want what you wanted before any more, and keeping secrets all happen in mono relationships too. ...

As for the guy who thinks you're clingy and possessive, is it possible that he's the one with the problem or at least that it's not all on your side? If you really do have problems with insecurity you may be blaming yourself too much for the disconnect here. Just something to think about.
This.

I may be new to poly, but I've seen plenty of mono relationships break apart because of too much time together. I've also seen mono relationships that broke up because one partner got bored and saw the other person as taking up too much of their time. This is not at all unique to poly and is likely not entirely (possibly barely even partially) you.
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  #4  
Old 12-09-2011, 02:29 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I agree with both posts above.

I would also express that instead of beating yourself up, maybe this situation can serve as an incentive to take a look at yourself and how you view relationships so you can get a better idea of what may be going on.

Being clingy and wanting to spend a lot of time with someone can come from a variety of places. What other things do you do with your time besides spending it with a partner? Do you have a lot of interests of your own, do you have a job/school that you particularly enjoy? Do you have other people/friends you spend time with too?

I ask because one thing I've personally learned is that for me being too needy in relationships was directly tied to not having my own thing going. I'm learning that it's healthier in the long run to focus on developing yourself as your own unique individual person and then bringing THAT person to a relationship. In the past I have definitely looked for a partner to fill a lot of needs I should have been filling myself, and that always ended up not working out.

Sharing your life with someone else is healthier and going to be more joyful in the long run than making someone else your life.

But checking out where you are, and what you're doing with life, and how you feel about that is never a bad thing, and can really open up some great possibilities for change and growth.

Just a thought...
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  #5  
Old 12-13-2011, 09:47 PM
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MrRusty MrRusty is offline
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Default Minxxa, can I quote you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
Sharing your life with someone else is healthier and going to be more joyful in the long run than making someone else your life.
Oh yeah! That kinda sums up the whole thing to me. Thanks,

Rusty
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  #6  
Old 12-14-2011, 12:55 AM
supergoo supergoo is offline
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Talking

thanks for the advice. I have a lot of stuff going on, hence my high levels of stress. I think this is all down to feeling stressed so much that everything else gets coloured in a stressfull way.
I think maybe I just dont have the energy to have relationships, let alone two. I think im just going to slow everything down and get on with my stuff instead of running myself ragged being responsible for everyone elses emotions. Thanks for the advice. :-D
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