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  #11  
Old 12-11-2011, 04:10 AM
Sonic Sonic is offline
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So many responses... Thank you

We have been discussing this quite a lot and I know he has been doing some reading, and as a positive side you can already tell this has affected our mindset, we can for example respect each other in discussions much better than before. Definitely this work has been a positive thing in our relationship.

As for the polyamory thing, it kills me that being poly is truly what I want at this moment in my life, and he can't give me any guarantees that he would be on board.

I don't know how much it is ok to push him and how much I should just be waiting and giving him time to get on board (if he ever does)?

By pushing I don't mean finding partners for him, but pursuing my own romantic interests. My feelings for this other person are there so there's nothing he can do about that anymore.

I don't think he's a member here, he's not a discussion forum kind of person.
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  #12  
Old 12-11-2011, 06:53 AM
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I am a little confused.

You say you've been discussing "this," that now he's reading more about it, and that you are having more mutually respectful conversations -- and yet, you don't know if he could get on board with poly nor how to ask for what you want.

Hu-u-u-uuuh? Then what have you two been talking about, exactly?

Are you being direct and asking him for definitive answers? How is it that these discussions are taking place and you still don't know... ???

What doesn't make sense to me is he made polyamory a requirement to marry him, you both spent a few years talking and learning about it, and then when you say you want to date someone, he freaks out as if he'd been blindsided, and tells you you're selfish. That sounds like he only wanted poly for himself, not you, and that he hasn't been aware or listening or really participating with you in all the talks you've had about it. Now, a couple days after your first post you say you have been discussing things quite a bit but you still don't know what his position on it is. Very puzzling to me. Are you expressing yourself in clear, direct statements? Is your husband responding at all or is he just leaving you hanging with non-answers? If the latter is the case, why do you just accept it and not require an answer?

It would seem there are big communication issues here, unless I'm just not understanding your situation as you've described it. You're going to need to get a handle on the communicating if you're going to negotiate anything for yourself and reach any agreements with him.


Oh, and I also had wanted to respond to this previously and forgot:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic View Post
I think that his insecurities have to do with the fact that I am much more extroverted than he is, and he feels that I can much more easily find other partners than he.
The thing is, it's not a race. Does he think you both decide to be poly and suddenly walk out of the house together and immediately find yourselves partners at the same time? Who cares who finds someone first, or easier, or more often? It's not about collecting people to be with. It's about nurturing connections if it feels right. It's about the people, not the poly configuration. Again, you were saying what you think he might be insecure about (without knowing for sure), but this is still an unrealistic reason to be upset. If this is really what's going on in his mind, please tell him it ain't a race.

You could invite him to come here and read this thread.
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solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 12-11-2011 at 12:24 PM.
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  #13  
Old 12-11-2011, 09:01 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Were you more of an extrovert during the dating process or did you become one after you got married?

What is his plan for himself to get on board. To what length is he willing to go to finnish what he started?

If he's not the forum type of guy what about attending poly events ....face to face discussions and support?

Maybe you should find out if he's a member here and if not ask him to join with you on a blog.

Do you know if he's read any threads here member or not?

Statistically he might be right about it being easier for you but it's more related to gender than personality.

Last edited by dingedheart; 12-11-2011 at 09:09 AM.
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  #14  
Old 12-11-2011, 02:26 PM
Sonic Sonic is offline
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I've always been more extrovert, it's in my nature.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post

Statistically he might be right about it being easier for you but it's more related to gender than personality.
I am happy that we genderqueer folk have it easier, thanks for the info

I actually wrote a long response but it got accidentally erased, darn. I try to write my thoughts down again.

Now I managed to get some clarification from him. He feels that (nycindie, you're so right!) because we have communication issues, we don't have that solid foundation you should have as a couple to pursue polyamory. So we're definitely working on that, and as I've mentioned I've already seen some improvement.

However our communication is still often very defensive. He gets passive aggressive, even bordering on aggressive towards me and often I have to tell him to calm down. Hence the name calling. When he gets so upset, I actually get scared and afraid to share my thoughts and feelings. And then he gets even more frustrated that I don't say anything and so the circle goes round and round.

We have tried to communicate via email but he tends to get heated up over email too, and no amount of smilies is going to save an email discussion gone bad. And actually I think it's even worse when you can't see the other person and their reactions.

The blog thing we do have, but as for discussion groups go, I'm very skeptical he is going to be open to the idea.

But I am satisfied that now we have something concrete to work on. And maybe he can calm down after a while when he's not feeling as vulnerable.

As for the race thing, you're very right. But try telling that to him... Personally I got a lot of help from this post http://www.morethantwo.com/polyfairness.html

I very much like the morethantwo page It has cleared my thoughts. And yes I've read the communication article, I hope he has too.

We are going about this with baby steps so keep your insights coming Especially if there's anybody who feels they have been in a similar situation.
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  #15  
Old 12-11-2011, 02:36 PM
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Maybe couples counseling for the communication issues? That sounds like a tough cycle to break out of without some help.
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  #16  
Old 12-11-2011, 07:07 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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His responses to you indicate that you need more help here than we can provide. It sounds like there are some serious communication issues that need working out. His lack of skill is worrying. I don't know how you communicate but if one person is not communicating well the whole thing doesn't work. Get yourself to a counsellor that is poly friendly and who can teach you some skills.

We have some info here on communication if you are interested in finding it. Try doing a search for "communication" or "nvc" (non-violent communication) on here and on line. There is lots of info out there. Maybe you should add to his reading list books and articles on communication.
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  #17  
Old 12-12-2011, 01:11 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Get yourself to a counsellor that is poly friendly and who can teach you some skills.
Any good therapist, poly-friendly or not, can help with communication skills. All types of relationships depend on good communication, after all.

I say this just so you don't limit your self by only trying to find someone who advertises as poly-friendly - could be hard to find, depending on where you are.

But it does sound like couples therapy would make a huge difference for you.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #18  
Old 12-12-2011, 06:31 AM
Sonic Sonic is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Any good therapist, poly-friendly or not, can help with communication skills. All types of relationships depend on good communication, after all.

I say this just so you don't limit your self by only trying to find someone who advertises as poly-friendly - could be hard to find, depending on where you are.

But it does sound like couples therapy would make a huge difference for you.
Yes I agree it would, but there are challenges. We live in a place where it's hard to find a good therapist (I'm not going to discuss our living condition any further).

He has been very reluctant to engage in couples therapy in the past, but maybe I should try to convince him again.
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  #19  
Old 12-12-2011, 02:30 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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How long did the 2 of you date prior to marrying? What was your respective dating/relationship/marriage histories? Was he involved in other non-monogamous relationships before? If so why did they end?
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  #20  
Old 12-12-2011, 06:43 PM
Sonic Sonic is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
How long did the 2 of you date prior to marrying? What was your respective dating/relationship/marriage histories? Was he involved in other non-monogamous relationships before? If so why did they end?
We dated abt two years. We have both been involved in so-to-speak non-monogamous relationships. The usual story, bad relationships with bad communication, differing needs and wants from the relationship etc.

Personally I feel like my previous "poly-ish" relationships have ended because of lack of proper communication & honesty, I believe that it's the same with him.

Hurtful shit that what some people call polyamory but what is actually fucking around

So now it's the first time we're both trying to build an honest polyamorous relationship based on mutual love and trust. I think we're both very hurt still from previous bad relationships.

Now we've tried some communication techniques that seem to have helped a bit I hope there's a turn for the best...
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