Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-09-2011, 07:25 PM
Sonic Sonic is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 31
Default Mono/poly or what

Hi all

I have been following this forum for a little while and now decided to register.

I am currently in a 3-yrs relationship, we are married and live together with my partner. I love him very much.

Before marriage he told me that he would like us to be poly in the long term, he even mentioned this as a prerequisite for getting married. To me it was quite difficult to deal with at the time, but I respected his honesty and thought that it's good to discuss in the long term what you want out of life than just plunge into a marriage without any thought.

So, I thought it over and thought and thought, and agreed. So we got married.

Now I have been dealing with this polyamory issue for over a year and I feel ready. We have been discussing opening our relationship for maybe 6 months more intensely, and now at last I am sure that this is something I truly want. For myself, not for him or anybody else.

Lately, I met a person I felt interested in, and this doesn't happen often, since I love my partner deeply and he fulfills my needs. However, I met someone.

And after that all hell broke loose. When I told about this person and that I would like to go on a date with her, my partner became very insecure about everything. He accused me of being a selfish person and only thinking about myself etc... This was very hard for me to hear since I had to do a lot of work with myself in order to accept the idea of polyamory in the first place.

It seems that as long as the idea of polyamory is something that my partner thinks for himself, he wants it, but now when he realizes that it means that I'm going to have other loves too, it breaks him.

Quite common I would imagine?

Do you have any good ideas on how to proceed?

I have read a lot of good resources and sent links to him, I hope he's reading them too. We have had a lot of difficult discussions, he says he doesn't know if he's cut out for this.

I feel kind of betrayed having put all this work and effort into accepting polyamory, finding a polyamorous side in me, and then after a year of hard work finding myself in a mono/poly situation.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and how have you worked it out?

I don't want to leave my partner, I love him very much, but I don't know if I can go back to being mono anymore. At least not now, not because of the other person I've met but because of me.

Does this make any sense to you?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-09-2011, 08:10 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,279
Default

This is where the law of unintended consequences comes in ...or be careful what you ask for. This is a good life lesson for him to learn.

You did a lot of work to get to this point ...so now its his turn. Time to hit the books. Tell him to suck it up and study up could be a bumpy ride.
Or gently tell him he started this ball rolling and it too late to stop so he'd better get with the program he started. Either way same same depending on delivery.

Lots of threads here for him to read...lots of people willing to share stories and experiences to help him.

Good luck to you both.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-09-2011, 08:18 PM
Sonic Sonic is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 31
Default

Thanks for your response

Though I don't think that "You made your bed, now lie in it" is maybe the most mature reaction to this situation.

I hope he is willing to work with this as I have worked. It's just that he says he can't say anything for sure, and I think I need some kind of confirmation from him.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-09-2011, 09:05 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,244
Default

What the heck is up with him accusing you of being selfish?? Did he really never think that you might want what he was asking for himself? Did he think that such a huge lack of equity (poly = necessary for him, selfish for you) would be ok? Or was it just in the heat of the moment that he said that?

I can understand someone thinking that poly sounds great but then being blindsided by their own negative emotional response to their partner actually giving it a go, that's a common enough story, but to call you selfish seems wildly unfair amd just plain strange.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-09-2011, 09:31 PM
Sonic Sonic is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 31
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
What the heck is up with him accusing you of being selfish?? Did he really never think that you might want what he was asking for himself? Did he think that such a huge lack of equity (poly = necessary for him, selfish for you) would be ok? Or was it just in the heat of the moment that he said that?

I can understand someone thinking that poly sounds great but then being blindsided by their own negative emotional response to their partner actually giving it a go, that's a common enough story, but to call you selfish seems wildly unfair amd just plain strange.
Hm, I think he was being very triggered when he said that. But of course it has made me thinking, what reasons do I want to pursue polyamory for

I think that his insecurities have to do with the fact that I am much more extroverted than he is, and he feels that I can much more easily find other partners than he.

I have even considered the possibility of finding someone for him... but then I don't think it's my place to find him romantic partners.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and have you been able to make things work?
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-09-2011, 10:51 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,279
Default

I was suggesting that because of "making that bed" that he had the responsibility to roll up his sleeves and do at least as much work now as you have done...if not more.

Can't run at the first negative or explict thought.

Last edited by dingedheart; 12-09-2011 at 10:55 PM. Reason: Because I suck at typing
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 12-10-2011, 08:25 AM
Sonic Sonic is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 31
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I was suggesting that because of "making that bed" that he had the responsibility to roll up his sleeves and do at least as much work now as you have done...if not more.

Can't run at the first negative or explict thought.
Oh I fully agree. Though I think that you can't force anybody into anything.

He didn't force me, he put the ball rolling, and now than a lot of rolling has happened, I can't force him either I think the situation is unfair to me, but what to do about it.

I'm going to discuss everything openly with him, including my feelings for this other person, and we'll see what comes out of it...
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 12-10-2011, 09:54 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,423
Default

If I were you I would say to him, "You don't get to call me selfish. You are forgetting how generous I've been. You told me in no uncertain terms that asked that polyamory was an essential part of who you are and that I had to accept that if I married you. Well, honey, I respected you, did the hard personal work necessary, struggled to understand it, and I married you. We've been talking about it and talking about it, and I am ready. You can tell me you're afraid, you can tell me you want to go slow, or whatever, but don't you dare tell me I am selfish now just because I have grown to embrace something you wanted, like it was my own. And it is what I want now. I'm on board with you, now it's your turn to be as generous as I have been and get on board with me."

Be strong! Though you are a married couple, you are still two autonomous people with your own needs, wants, and desires, who need to negotiate this without name-calling. He doesn't get to call the shots all by himself - you're working together as partners.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 12-10-2011 at 09:59 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 12-10-2011, 03:10 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,279
Default

Force what exactly. Are you talking about forcing him to have other partners...or are we talking about him being super comfortable and happy you're seeing other people?

How much reading or work has he put in on this so far?

Has he spoken with any trained professionals yet?

Is he a member here?
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 12-10-2011, 07:09 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Oh poor guy, he put the cart before the horse on this one didn't he? I guess he forgot that he wasn't the only one that is poly in the world. I guess he just assumed you would not be interested.... this is a good example of why one should never assume anything... or expect anything. Lesson one.*check

Well, I guess its his turn to learn and grow. Time to get about educating himself in terms of both of you having other partners and what that might look like. I suspect his "you are selfish" response is from a place of feeling like that himself at some point and turning it out on you. Maybe he went slow and waited because he felt like that. Now that it seems that you are on board and ready to go he is blind sided by the amount of work you have done while he seemingly wasn't paying attention and seems as if you are moving too fast. Hence the comment of being "selfish." If that makes sense? Really, in a round about way, I think he might of been saying that he had no idea you would be ready for this more than he is at this point.

The only thing I can see to do is to slow down again, let him catch up to you this time and then see where you are at. I like that you are sending things for him to read, but are you doing this work with him? Maybe it would help you both get on the same page about it all so that there is no issues of pacing happening. It sounds like you both want to be in the same place, but sometimes that is next to impossible if you aren't doing it together.

Having said that, I agree with whomever said that you are autonomous and should be getting about your life at your own speed and in your own direction. Walking hand in hand in life and marriage is a beautiful thing. That's why its so important to make sure that you are still holding hands and one isn't running ahead of the other or that you are so co-dependant that you just stand there globbed on to one another (I don't think this is where you are at however).

I suggest doing a tag search here for "lessons" and "foundations" there are some great ideas on how to make poly work and what to look out for. It would be great if he joined up here in order to express what his thoughts are and to bounce stuff off of people here. We won't lamb baste him for the selfish comment. We have all started with this somewhere and all said and done stuff that in hindsight was likely not the best choice... what would we all have to talk about and learn from if we didn't!
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
married dating, opening a relationship

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:13 AM.