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  #11  
Old 12-09-2011, 03:49 PM
heidi heidi is offline
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Default Not sure

whether it is worth being in, I guess.
I do feel that he is willing to communicate and be kind and gentle, but he gets really upset that I feel emotional. I cry, but I don't get mean or accusatory, and try to keep telling him that I don't want him to change, I just need to tell him how I feel. He will also say things like he doesn't deserve to have two girlfriends. He is a drinker and this does not help the conversation stay on the track of my just telling him how I feel. He is not used to emotions and tells me that the closest he has ever come to dealing with emotions is when his soul mate suddenly dissociated and literally went to pieces. That does not feel like a nice comparison.
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  #12  
Old 12-09-2011, 04:13 PM
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Well the drinking would be another red flag for me. What's that? Three? The inability to constructively take on emotional content in a relationship is not, in my opinion, going to create a successful poly relationship. It seems there is a lot he needs to take on.
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  #13  
Old 12-09-2011, 04:18 PM
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Heidi:

Another thing I would like to mention is this is something that is going to take time. It is not an "overnight transformation." I would have to agree with others in that if he is not willing to give you the time you need to adjust to the new and find your balance, then you need to move on. I fear he will keep "beating you down" until you abandon everything that you find natural. If that happens, you will lose yourself, and that will not be good.

Again, I wish you luck, and would remind you that the people here are awesome listeners and advice-givers. Do not ever sit there and keep things bottled up....
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  #14  
Old 12-09-2011, 04:37 PM
heidi heidi is offline
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Default this is all very helpful

Thanks to everyone so far. Keep the insight coming, please.
When Redpepper says "he needs to take on," are you speaking of in the sense of "owning" or in the sense that I am putting too much on him?
Also, he says he understands that I may need time, but that he will not fall in love with me until I have reached some point of not being jealous. When I think about our conversation last night, I remember that he kept saying that it takes 3 days before and 3 days after to go through all of this stuff, but I think that is a gross exaggeration. I am not sure which bones to pick with him over things like that....
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  #15  
Old 12-09-2011, 04:43 PM
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Heidi, I have to agree with redpepper. He does not want to seem to take on the time involved to create a special relationship with you. And telling you that he will not fall in love with you until you overcome the jealousy? That totally sounds like emotional blackmail to me. No one deserves to be put through that.

I think you would be better off finding another mono man, or, if you are thinking poly is the way for you, then another man who can give you what you need. You should never have to compromise yourself in order to make another person happy.
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  #16  
Old 12-09-2011, 04:54 PM
heidi heidi is offline
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Default hmmmm

We do spend almost all of our time together when she is not here. He does listen to me and has agreed to spend NYE with me (I have never had a date for NYE), and actually takes me requests for my needs pretty seriously. I think he thinks I am emotionally blackmailing him by telling him that until he feels and expresses love for me I will have a hard time not being jealous of the 25 year old hot lesbian (except for this relationship with him) girlfriend. She does not currently have any girlfriends. He says that he does not want more from his relationship with her. She does not begrudge me my relationship with him, because she is much more accepting of him than I am. But I maintain that it is easy to be accepting when you are the one being loved and also seeking other relationships.
I have shared with my friends and family that he has another girlfriend, but I have been unable to share that he does not love me. I am not sure that I am being unreasonable by expecting this to happen. It seems that the feeling that the other person loves you is an important element in dealing with this kind of relationship. I am not sure I could find a therapist who takes my insurance who could guide me through this without being really judgmental about it.
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  #17  
Old 12-09-2011, 09:06 PM
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I have never before in my life heard something so ludicrous as someone saying, "I will fall in love with you if you do so and so." That's not how love works in my mind. Either he does or he doesn't and quyite frankly if he is saying this to you, he doesn't and never will. It sounds like he likes hanging out with you an might like hanging out with you for awhile and that is fine, but he doesn't love you. I would be asking him to say it like it is rather than this emotional song and dance he is giving you that keeps you strung along. Ya. Emotional blackmail.

As to your question of me; I think he needs to own his shit, get about figuring out how to be emotional and how to accept and cherish your emotions and start being someone that appreciates and accepts others emotional well being. The drinking is likely keeping him from doing this. Once he stops, if he stops, I think he may find a flood of old stuff coming his was about his past relationships and personal history.

You can't do this for him, but if he were my partner I would ask for this process to occur and if it doesn't, in order for you to have the best possible relationship, then I would leave. I dunno, I don't settle for anything but the best. If someone is not showing me that they are processing REALLY hard then I am done with the whole thing pretty quick. I don't have time for second best. I don't think anyone should. I don't think you should.
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  #18  
Old 12-09-2011, 09:36 PM
heidi heidi is offline
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Default wow

Thanks.
I have been alone most of my life and have been open to things that might be unconventional because I thought I might find my fit that way, but you're right. I don't deserve less than the best.
This is hard, but really not harder than anything else.
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  #19  
Old 12-09-2011, 09:42 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Not wanting to be sick when he sees his long distance girl makes sense. Not respecting your request about the candle holders seems kinda odd -- I mean, it was a simple enough request on your part, did he forget or just not care?

The fact that he's not in love with you after just a few months doesn't seem that weird, it takes me a while to fall in love too. And if he knows that feeling uncomfortable due to your jealousy will be an emotional stumbling block that will probably keep him from getting to that point with you, well, at least he's being honest about it.

However, everyone else is right, he can't just demand that you magically stop feeling jealous. It doesn't happen like that, it takes time, work, consideration, and compassion from BOTH the mono and the poly partner to get to the point where the mono can feel safe and unjealous. Maybe he's willing to do that in some ways, but it seems like he either doesn't understand or can't handle it in others.

I would consider his inability to talk about emotions a dealbreaker in any relationship but especially a poly relationship where clear emotional communication and the hard work that goes with it is essential for success.

Also, normally I don't consider age discrepancies between consenting adults an issue, but it sounds like she would have been in her early 20s and he in his late 40s when they started up, kind of a big gap. I would never assume that it couldn't be a perfectly healthy relationship, but it does make me wonder how they got involved and what the deal is there. When I was in my early 20s I was pretty immature and would have been a strange choice of love-partner for someone much older.
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  #20  
Old 12-09-2011, 09:46 PM
heidi heidi is offline
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Default young girlfriend

yeah, when he told me she had just taken a cruise with The Back Street Boys I was taken a bit aback. It feels strange to be taking the back seat....
Sometimes I feel like I have all the shortcomings of being the old first wife (old, straight, responsible) without any of the bennies (security, seniority, etc....)
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