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  #11  
Old 12-12-2011, 06:47 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
If you want to spend Christmas in a way that is special and meaningful to you, create the day you want and invite people you enjoy being with to come along.
This !

Make your own special day, and when the time is right, and history built,..things will gel on the family-front, in their own way !
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  #12  
Old 12-18-2011, 06:57 AM
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To me, there's a big difference between whether your boyfriend is "out" to his family, and whether he's lying about your relationship status.

Personally, I can't tolerate being someone's dirty little secret. If I had a partner who had chosen not to come out to his family, then I would decline to go to family functions with him being introduced as "just a friend."

Coming out to his family is his business, but being introduced as a friend is your business. Is it possible this is what's bothering you? In other words, that her level of intimacy with you was more appropriate towards a friend of her son rather than his girlfriend?

So if it were me, it's not the awkwardness with the in-laws that I would sit out, since I honestly believe awkwardness with in-laws comes with the territory, but rather the "just friends" status as a guest of your boyfriend.

My mother-in-law hated my guts and made no secrets about it. From my blue hair to my alleged theft of her son from her talons, she just did not like me. She swore we'd get married over her dead body. A year later, she was in fact dead. A year after that, we were in fact married. Oh, the irony. But Christmas with his family was important to my husband, and I wanted to be with him for the holidays, so I came up. Actually, I think he hated the gatherings as much as I did, but he hated her guilt trips even worse.

Family is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, they're family. On the other hand, they're family. The obligations, the love, the togetherness, the bitterness, the stories, the memories good and bad. I mean, it's one day, so if it's just the awkwardness that bothers you, I would suck it up and make your own fun. If it's the having to hide your status, then I would tell my boyfriend that it bothers me to be introduced with a reduced level of importance than you actually have. If it's important enough to him for you to be there, then it should also be important enough for him to sit down with his family a week before the main event and get everything out into the open.
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  #13  
Old 12-19-2011, 11:15 PM
caragh87 caragh87 is offline
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Him coming out to his family just really isn't an option.
I don't know what his huge fear is with this to be honest, if its judgement or anger.. or what.

I have decided that I am going to go, even if its just for a few hours.
I don't like having a relationship that is declared or not decleared as less important. I struggle with this.

But at the end of the day I love my partner, and I want to spend time with him on Christmas.
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  #14  
Old 12-20-2011, 01:15 AM
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Originally Posted by caragh87 View Post
Him coming out to his family just really isn't an option.
I don't know what his huge fear is with this to be honest, if its judgement or anger.. or what.
What does he say is the root of his fear about it?

I've been getting confused lately at the number of people saying that they don't know what their partner is thinking about this or that serious/difficult issue/topic. Aren't folks doing the massive amounts of processing that (to my mind, anyways) you can't get away from in poly? Is the issue that people don't feel comfortable asking why their partners are feeling a certain way, or is it that the partners won't or can't dissect it for them?
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  #15  
Old 12-20-2011, 10:20 PM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
What does he say is the root of his fear about it?

I've been getting confused lately at the number of people saying that they don't know what their partner is thinking about this or that serious/difficult issue/topic. Aren't folks doing the massive amounts of processing that (to my mind, anyways) you can't get away from in poly? Is the issue that people don't feel comfortable asking why their partners are feeling a certain way, or is it that the partners won't or can't dissect it for them?
I think a lot of people have a difficult time asking a lot of questions. Or at least asking the right ones. I know I'm someone who needs things to be specific to be able to really understand what is being asked and often can't find the right words to use to be able to ask others.

I do keep persistent, until I have my answer/have answered their questions though. =]
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  #16  
Old 12-30-2011, 08:18 AM
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Caragh, I'm wondering how it went? Update?

I came out to my parents at Christmas (well, one set of them). They both new both boyfriends and know that we have remained good friends. Both boyfriends love my dad and I know that there will be opportunity to go there with either or both of them in the future.

Current bf's mom had us over to dinner way back when I was previous bf's only girl. Since I've been with current bf, we've been to her house for dinner with previous bf. I think if we ever felt the need to declare, she would be okay. She really is an amazing sort of woman. But I kinda doubt current bf would ever feel the need to declare to her.
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  #17  
Old 12-30-2011, 09:57 PM
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I brought it up with my mom again this holiday too. I think it was when there was the Mormon family on Dr. Phil, so I got my mom to watch it with me and casually mentioned that Erwin and I also practice non-monogamy, but a different kind, not polygamy. She didn't shut me own about it this time, and while she still maintained that she couldn't live it, she didn't say anything about it being bad for us.
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  #18  
Old 01-02-2012, 02:34 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Aren't folks doing the massive amounts of processing that (to my mind, anyways) you can't get away from in poly? Is the issue that people don't feel comfortable asking why their partners are feeling a certain way, or is it that the partners won't or can't dissect it for them?
I think one tricky aspect of this is that different people require different amounts of processing and discussion. I know that I tend to want to discuss everything, probably partly from insecurity, partly from feeling that I'm not great at reading non-verbal cues, so I like stuff spelled out, and partly because to me it's part of knowing my partner well. But I have generally had a hard time getting this need met. My husband is simply not a talker; he has become much better at listening to me (particularly if I'm talking about relationship issues that don't make him seem deficient) but getting him to share his own emotions still generally feels like pulling teeth. To some extent he just thinks no one is interested in such stuff, so he doesn't say it. I don't think that's the only reason, but I haven't figured out yet what else is in play.

Similarly my boyfriend is amazingly good at picking up that I'm uncomfortable and getting me to talk about stuff, but it's hard to get him to share himself. To some degree he doesn't like to open up. But also I think he just finds the whole situation less complex than I do, and sees less to talk about. I struggle with this a lot, actually: wondering whether he is avoiding a discussion, or simply doesn't really see what the question is (and admittedly I have a hard time articulating it, like Somegeezer said), or is he rightly perceiving my questions as more a reflection of my issues (eg insecurities) than our issues, and so focuses on me instead.

And it is a tricky balance to strike: I don't want to burden the relationship with my boyfriend with all my personal issues, and I don't want to spend all our time together simply talking about the relationship. Yet at the same time I have vowed not to be in a relationship where I'm always playing by someone else's rules. But if I can't necessarily figure out which paradigm applies to a given situation then I probably can't expect him to either.
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