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  #1  
Old 12-09-2011, 12:45 PM
heidi heidi is offline
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Default Mono trying to overcome jealousy

A few months ago, I started dating a man who is poly and has a relationship that he had been pursuing for several years but just consummated about a week before we met. Thus, they are in love, and he is not in love with me. She is also half our age. She lives pretty far and they only get together for about a week a month and the rest of the time he is with me pretty constantly. He is very good to me, and I want things to work out between us. I realize that my jealousy is my problem, and I am trying to work on not being jealous, but it is hard.
Here are a few of the examples of things that I feel jealous about:
  1. He was sick for most of our time together about a month ago (their visits were close together that time) and when one of his kids was a bit sick, he (BF) said, "Stay away from me, I DO NOT want to be sick on Friday" (the day the other GF was arriving). His explanation included the idea that when they get together it is a big deal, like our New Year's Eve date.
  2. When we got back together after their last visit, he had burned candles in candle holders that I had brought over and told him I did not want to share with her. We spend all our time at his house, so I feel that I should be able to have things there that are "ours." When I told him that the problem was not the candles but the feeling that she is the more important to him, he asked whether that was something that I made up, or from something I read that I was not supposed to. I told him that was like his asking me whether I was sleeping with anyone else and me asking whether he had made that idea up or whether it was because of the condoms next to my bed. He didn't see the parallel, and as a mono, I fear that I am just missing something.
Last night he told me that she is coming this weekend, though she just left and was not supposed to be here for about 5 weeks. I accept that she is coming, but feel that I had 5 weeks to develop some security in the relationship without having to deal with these transitions, and that this time would potentially bring him closer to me. He says that he will not move closer to me until I stop feeling jealous. I maintain that I will continue to have a hard time as long as this kind of difference between his relationship with her and his with me exists.
So, given that he is great and I do feel that I love him and want things to work out, how can I stop being jealous? I feel like I am as open as a poly could expect from a mono. He accuses me of not accepting him for who he is.
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  #2  
Old 12-09-2011, 03:09 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heidi View Post
A few months ago, I started dating a man who is poly and has a relationship that he had been pursuing for several years but just consummated about a week before we met. Thus, they are in love, and he is not in love with me. She is also half our age. She lives pretty far and they only get together for about a week a month and the rest of the time he is with me pretty constantly. He is very good to me, and I want things to work out between us. I realize that my jealousy is my problem, and I am trying to work on not being jealous, but it is hard.
...
When I told him that the problem was not the candles but the feeling that she is the more important to him, he asked whether that was something that I made up, or from something I read that I was not supposed to.
...
Last night he told me that she is coming this weekend, though she just left and was not supposed to be here for about 5 weeks. I accept that she is coming, but feel that I had 5 weeks to develop some security in the relationship without having to deal with these transitions, and that this time would potentially bring him closer to me. He says that he will not move closer to me until I stop feeling jealous. I maintain that I will continue to have a hard time as long as this kind of difference between his relationship with her and his with me exists.

So, given that he is great and I do feel that I love him and want things to work out, how can I stop being jealous? I feel like I am as open as a poly could expect from a mono. He accuses me of not accepting him for who he is.
Heidi,

The problem I see from what you've written is not that you are jealous. It's that you want different things from the relationship with him. He loves her, not you. She seems to be his priority, not you. There is indeed a difference between the two relationships. You appear to be more of a friend with benefits who he likes and enjoys spending time with. She's the love interest. She is more important to him than you. He may not be very upfront about that or perhaps you are not understanding him fully.

He doesn't love you in the way you want to be loved by him. I suspect that even if you suddenly never have another jealous thought, word, or deed, you will likely not get the love you want from him. You actually don't accept him for who he is. Not because of the poly but because you want more from him than he can apparently give to you.

I know you love him but from what you've written here, he does not seem like he can provide the love and life you want. I suggest that you consider moving on so that you can find someone who will love you in the way and manner in which you deserve.

Last edited by opalescent; 12-09-2011 at 03:09 PM. Reason: clarity
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  #3  
Old 12-09-2011, 03:20 PM
countrygirl countrygirl is offline
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First, I would like to say that I think jealousy is a normal reaction for anyone. That does not mean something is wrong with you, it just means that you need to find a way to deal with it, especially if you are going to try to make this relationship work and be a part of a poly lifestyle.

I understand wanting to be in the place where the other girlfriend is, but you need to realize, from what you relayed, that what they have is built out of years of work, communication, etc. No matter when the relationship was "consummated" it has been a relationship in the works for more than a few months that you two have been together. That by no means should be taken as you are less important, but may somehow explain the deepness of his feelings for her.

Obviously there are traits in both of you that he finds appealing so that he wants to have the relationship with both of you. Each of the relationships will be different, but that does not mean she is more important than you, nor that you are more important than her. You should never look at the other girlfriend/spouse as competition. You do need to look at her as another part of his life that does exist.

I took from your explantion that you are mono. If that is true, it will take some time, patience and adjustment to understand things from a poly view rather than a mono view. If you have not done so, I would suggest doing some research into the poly lifestyle so that maybe you can gain a better understanding of the way things kind of work. It might help you better deal with your jealousy.

Good luck on your journey!!
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Old 12-09-2011, 03:20 PM
heidi heidi is offline
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Default thank you

You may be right.
He says that it takes him a long time to fall in love and that there is no reason to believe that he won't, but he is quite clear that I need to stop my jealousy.
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Old 12-09-2011, 03:24 PM
heidi heidi is offline
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Default thanks country girl too.

my last thanks was being written to Opalescence (sp?) as you were posting. I have been reading up on and trying to understand the whole poly thing because if I want this to work, I am going to have to accept it.
I guess I just don't get HOW to not feel this way.
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  #6  
Old 12-09-2011, 03:26 PM
heidi heidi is offline
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Default also

I am not sure that their relationship is based on all of what you mention, or on the fact that he had to work so hard to get her.
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  #7  
Old 12-09-2011, 03:39 PM
nooneparticular nooneparticular is offline
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There are tons of resources available to help with jealousy. I personally like the info on morethantwo.com it has helped me immensely.
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  #8  
Old 12-09-2011, 03:39 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Heidi, it sounds like he has nre (new relationship energy). You could do a tag search on that here and see what threads come up that are helpful. People on nre are usually selfish, uncaring, distracted and behave like their other partners are on another planet. It takes practice and empathy to be able to curve the passion and excitement one feels over a new relationship in order to respect others in ones life. He's sucking at that so far it seems.

Its not okay to tell someone to "get over" their emotions. This is a red flag to me. If he is unable to give you the time you need, respect for your requests for certain boundaries and be willing to mutually communicate gently with openness and honesty then I would wonder if he is worthy of two relationships or any at all. Patience for nre is one thing, but acting like an assholes and not adjusting that behavior is another. Are you sure this is worth being in?
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  #9  
Old 12-09-2011, 03:39 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heidi View Post
You may be right.
He says that it takes him a long time to fall in love and that there is no reason to believe that he won't, but he is quite clear that I need to stop my jealousy.
I would like to be wrong, Heidi, so that he can give you what you want.

Most poly folks will tell you that jealousy never really goes away for forever. Even for people who have been poly for a long time, have successfully managed several loving relationships, find themselves jealous now and again. And sometimes completely out of the blue. His demand that you stop being jealous - as in stop feeling those feelings - is not realistic at all. You will feel jealous - you can manage, cope, and not react badly because of those feelings but you will likely never stop feeling jealous. It seems to be a human nature thing for many people. And if he expects you to do all the work of managing jealousy, with no input or talking with him about it, well that is also wildly impractical and unrealistic and will lead to pain and disappointment for everyone.
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  #10  
Old 12-09-2011, 03:41 PM
heidi heidi is offline
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Default Nre

Yes, but I am also an new relationship. If the NRE is directed at her rather than me isn't tha yet another red flag?
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