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Old 12-07-2011, 06:19 AM
Rock84 Rock84 is offline
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Default Poly > Mono relationship advice

Hey there,
I'm quite recent here but am no stranger to poly relationships. In fact I've spent more time in a poly relationship than monos put together (I guess thats quite telling, lol). My last girlfriend of nearly 5 years was bi and we were very unrestricted, allowing each of us plenty of freedom.

I've recently met a girl and become exclusively mono with her. She knew from the beginning that I'm partial to poly relationships, and she has had an indirect taste of the poly lifestyle in the past and she says she is not ignorant about the mechanics etc of this stuff. However she has explicitly said to me that she is not interested in any sort of open relationship with me at all, and I'm really not sure how I feel about this. My initial feelings were that of disappointment, though I didn't leap to any hard and fast decisions. I just decided to accept it, acknowledging that this type of relationship is relatively new to me and that I may be ok with it in the end.

Before we became exclusive I was also in a sexual relationship with a very close friend of mine who's in a poly relationship. Since becoming exclusive I have not seen her, but I am craving being with her again. I feel as though the friendship is missing something without the sex.

I've explained this concept to my girlfriend. She understands but does not want me to be with anyone but her. She says jealousy affects her quite a lot and could not accept me being with someone else. She says she understands that I feel attracted to other women and want to explore sexual relationships with them but doesn't want me to act on them. For her, she has absolutely no interest in pursuing external relationships.

At the moment I am finding myself flirting heavily with women I meet and find attractive, and just today I found myself logging onto a net dating site that I used to be a member of.

On one hand I don't want to do anything that she hasn't given me permission to do; on the other hand I am feeling restricted.

I am very attracted to my girlfriend, and I don't feel the desire to break up with her over this, I find a lot of fulfillment in her and a strong connection, but not enough to quash my desires for outside sexual relationships.

The friend I mentioned earlier is so familiar to me that it would be a very easy thing for me to go behind my gf's back and be with her. I have certainly thought about it and if the opportunity had come up recently, maybe I would have taken it. Emotionally I would feel little to no guilt about it, it would just feel normal and like I'm just hanging out with a friend. But in reality this would be wrong by my gf.

I'm not sure what the bottom line is here. I've never been with someone who fulfills me 120%, though being with someone in a poly relationship certainly makes up for any un-fulfillment (probably the wrong word for it but I'm sure you all get what I'm saying).

So I'm not sure if what I'm looking for is a girl who is open to poly relationships or a girl who can fulfill me to the point that I no longer want to be with anyone else? And I'm not quite sure the later even exists...

I've never really faced a problem like this before, as like I said, pretty much all I've known is a very successful poly relationship with little to no jealousy and no hang ups. So I'm really not sure how to handle this. I'm sure most people have experienced plenty of this and hopefully have some advice for me.
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Old 12-07-2011, 04:57 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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You have really only three choices here. 1) Tell her that you're sorry but you're not cut out to be mono and give her the choice to leave or stay. 2) Tell her that you're really not sure if you can be mono but are willing to try for the next 6 months at which point you'd like it if you could both revisit the issue to see if you're each in the same place that you were, with the understanding that hopefully this is not a dealbreaker but it ultimately might be, or 3) Break up with her now, as gently as you can, and pursue the poly life you want instead.

Number 2 makes the most sense to me, since you don't actually know what's true for you right now, but all three are valid.

Oh, and as for choice number 4?

Do not. Cheat. On your girlfriend. Seriously, it may feel normal to you to sleep with your friend, but would it actually feel normal and guiltless to lie to someone who cares for you and trusts you for the sake of your own pleasure, to open her to risks she didn't ask for and won't know about, and to brand yourself that sort of untrustworthy asshole to her and your mutual friends if/when she find out? Could you really deal with being that guy?
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Old 12-07-2011, 05:17 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I'm going to pose a question that I think it might be a good idea to
ask yourself and take a good look at your answers.

If you are poly and prefer poly relationships, why did you enter into a monogamous relationship with a monogamous person?

I'm not asking this to give you a hard time by any means. I just see so many people come onto this board asking similar questions which boils down to "I entered into a mono relationship (either being already poly or now just finding out I want to be poly) and so now how can I get my SO to change their mind about what kind of relationship they want to be in and do what I want them to do?"

The fact is that no matter what gushy, hot feelings one has for another person, if you find you have issues that are ultimately incompatible, that is the time to say no, this isn't going to work. Yeah, sure it's inconvenient to not go for it when you have the hots for somebody, but it's not like you'll never have the hots for anybody else, and wouldn't it just be easier to find somebody who wants similar things (especially relationship style) than to find the first person you gush over and try to change their mind/views/beliefs?

And I agree with Annabelmore-- don't cheat. That would just make you a liar and an ass, not poly. Being untrustworthy and dishonest is crappy and should be a dealbreaker in any relationshp, poly or mono.
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Old 12-08-2011, 02:49 AM
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Seems pretty simple to me.

You cannot control others, only yourself.

This is not a case of getting with someone who has no prior knowledge of non-monogamy. Many times, when someone has no prior knowledge, there is a chance that education of other options, might present them opportunities they never knew they had before.

This girlfriend of yours, already understood polyamory, already heard from you about your tendencies, and she has been quite clear that she has NO INTEREST.

She has clearly expressed NO INTEREST in it for herself, and NO INTEREST in the notion that you can be in charge of your own body and own life.

She is highly unlikely to change her mind down the road. The only scenario I could see that happening, is if she has ALREADY expressed to you, that she wants monogamy for now, but is open to renegotiate down the road, once she feels you two have some history built.

So if you already miss being open, and that is what you need, then you need to clearly tell your girlfriend you are going to be open.

...not 'ask' to be.

She most likely will need to find someone else to be monogamous with.
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Old 12-08-2011, 03:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rock84 View Post
So I'm not sure if what I'm looking for is a girl who is open to poly relationships or a girl who can fulfill me to the point that I no longer want to be with anyone else? And I'm not quite sure the later even exists...
Most likely, you are going to be only one who can answer this question. From what you've posted, this girl doesn't sound to be the latter. But who knows, maybe someone is out there.

Good luck in your search.
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Old 12-08-2011, 03:40 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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It seems that most of the answers you're getting are taking the angle that "you should be free to pursue poly if you think you are poly." I have a different take on it.

I am wondering if the pull you are feeling to be sexual with your female friend is part of a pattern of behavior you might have when feeling pressured. I am not saying this is wrong or right, but just something to ask yourself. You say you only met your girlfriend recently and agreed to be exclusive. There must be something about her that made you want to agree to that so quickly after meeting her. You have been happy in monogamous relationships before, so maybe you don't need to be polyamorous.

How long have you been seeing each other? Is she now pressuring you to get more "serious?" Is it possible that you are avoiding deeper intimacy with your girlfriend by looking at other options? It could be a little bit of an escape mechanism. And getting closer with your girlfriend, exclusively, could be a good opportunity to learn more about what you want and what intimacy is for you.

Maybe instead of investigating whether or not you should be able to have sex with someone, you should investigate your feelings for your girlfriend, see if there are any fears there, and be honest with her and yourself about the depth and scope of your commitment to each other. In other words, try to grasp what is going on in this relationship and the feelings you have for each other before you choose whether or not you need to be polyamorous or open to be happy.
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-08-2011 at 03:44 AM.
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Old 12-08-2011, 06:29 AM
Nighthorse Nighthorse is offline
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Default So you got caught with a flat...

Well, how 'bout that.

I recently asserted my need for polyamory in a monogamous relationship I've been in for nine months. It's a bit different, because I'd told this person from the beginning that I don't believe in monogamy. The promise was that my partner would be happy to share me further down the road--after we both felt secure in our relationship. I was fine with that.

Well, nine months passed, and we were secure, so I went ahead and told my partner that I needed to date. After a long conversation, a break-up, an un-break-up, and a "let's just be friends" speech from my partner, I'm now single, and the single monogamists are barking up my tree.

Have I learned my lesson? You bet. I'm going to let them keep barking, and I won't climb down. It's time for polyamory to come to me instead of trying to create it where it is not. Society is not ready for the paradigm shift. Not just yet.

This would be so much easier if I were in the SF Bay area or Portland or anywhere but here.
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Old 12-08-2011, 07:38 AM
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paradigm shift? ya, I think most people are just monogamous because its easier and because they just are born that way. Actually I think most like the idea of poly and get it as a theory and even agree with it in terms of other people. When it comes down to it, poly is a lot of work and most people don't want to work that hard so they continue to be serial monogamists and are quite fine thank you very much. The shift will be in accepting diversity, not that everyone is poly I think. Then again I doubt that there will ever be a shift to accept diversity.... come to think of it.
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Old 12-08-2011, 07:54 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rock84 View Post
At the moment I am finding myself flirting heavily with women I meet and find attractive, and just today I found myself logging onto a net dating site that I used to be a member of.
You found yourself logging on to a net dating site? How does that happen?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rock84 View Post
The friend I mentioned earlier is so familiar to me that it would be a very easy thing for me to go behind my gf's back and be with her. I have certainly thought about it and if the opportunity had come up recently, maybe I would have taken it. Emotionally I would feel little to no guilt about it, it would just feel normal and like I'm just hanging out with a friend. But in reality this would be wrong by my gf.
Adding the disclaimer in the end about how cheating would be wrong to your girlfriend doesn't help. It sounds like you've already made up your mind. You don't want to break up, and you want to have sex with others. You intend to cheat, period. The only reason it hasn't happened yet with your friend is because the opportunity hasn't come up and if you went seeking for it, you'd feel a bit of guilt, which is a little uncomfortable. And the only reason you're here is hoping that a bunch of non-monogamists will feel sorry for poor you and make you feel like you had no choice in the matter cause you're poly. Boo-hoo. She doesn't want to be non-monogamous, so if you actually care about her, break up with her before you have sex with somebody else. As in, right now.
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Old 12-08-2011, 03:40 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
paradigm shift? ya, I think most people are just monogamous because its easier and because they just are born that way. Actually I think most like the idea of poly and get it as a theory and even agree with it in terms of other people. When it comes down to it, poly is a lot of work and most people don't want to work that hard so they continue to be serial monogamists and are quite fine thank you very much. The shift will be in accepting diversity, not that everyone is poly I think. Then again I doubt that there will ever be a shift to accept diversity.... come to think of it.
I agree RP, especially with the bolded part! Though I don't think that's exclusive to poly relationships-- I think people do the same thing in all types of relationships. They are attracted, get together, then the hormones fade and they have normal issues and don't want to (or don't have the skills to) do the work, so they start losing interest and then move on to the next partner.

I think many people just don't want to do any personal work at all, or even be honest with themselves about themselves. It's easier to just move on to the next person.
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