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  #31  
Old 12-08-2011, 04:03 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Quote:
(he admits he’s a dreamy idealist with his head in the clouds!)
So....what does he intend to do about that as it relates to his interest in polyamory?? From my experience, one had better be well grounded before stepping into the polyamory "arena". Juggling multiple schedules, relationships, needs, etc., doesn't just happen on its own because it "sounds wonderful". It takes effort and work.

From what you've shared, I don't see where your husband is someone who wants to put much effort or work into creating what HE wants in HIS life. (Of course, we are only hearing one side. But, he has a job he hates...so what's he doing to make a job/career change? Has problems in his relationship with you....but won't see a counselor.)

I don't know the circumstances of your husband ending up in a divorced family with no father figure. But, people can get divorced and BOTH can still actively parent their children IF if they choose to make the extra effort that's required when they no longer have the convenience of being in the same physical household.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 12-08-2011 at 04:14 AM.
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  #32  
Old 12-08-2011, 04:05 AM
Lila Lila is offline
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thanks, I will do that, I don't think he's had a good check up for ages...
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  #33  
Old 12-08-2011, 04:07 AM
Lila Lila is offline
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Hi, I don't think he'd considered the reality of it, he agreed this morning that there was an element of escapism in the idea...(just a bit!)
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  #34  
Old 12-08-2011, 04:32 AM
Lila Lila is offline
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Hi, I agree, I won't just accept a poly lifestyle when it's not for me, there's no point in sacrificing my chance of long term happiness for the sake of his (not so well thought out!) short term impulses. Considering a poly-lifestyle certainly appeared to me as a weak attempt to circumvent "cheating" maybe because it has a better "title" than "mistress" or "lover" making it (in his mind) more of an acceptable "alternative lifestyle choice" rather than a simple indiscretion.

I told him this morning that after looking into these options yesterday, I have great respect for anyone who is willing and able to offer their whole-hearted love to more than one person AND make it work for all concerned, but I just don't think I can do it. He respects that I at least took the time to look into it.

We decided we are going to get couples therapy just so that we can move of from the blame and bitterness of the past and look forward with hope. Obviously it's a tough time to do that with such a big issue to deal with, considering the devastating condition of our unborn child (or "incompatible with life" as the Doctors put it...) we are both dealing with it in our own ways but need to come together with support and compassion, maybe that's all part of why this is happening to us. We cannot avoid growing as human beings as a result of these trials. We must both embrace it, whatever the result.
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  #35  
Old 12-08-2011, 04:40 AM
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RadiantHeart RadiantHeart is offline
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Glad you could reach him, Lila. Follow your heart, be honest with yourself and don't be afraid to Love. How can you go wrong?

I hope the situation starts to get better for you and your family.
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  #36  
Old 12-08-2011, 04:45 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Stay strong, Lila.

((((hugs))))
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  #37  
Old 12-08-2011, 05:16 AM
Lila Lila is offline
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Juggling multiple schedules, relationships, needs, etc., doesn't just happen on its own because it "sounds wonderful". It takes effort and work.

he has a job he hates...so what's he doing to make a job/career change? Has problems in his relationship with you....but won't see a counselor

I don't know the circumstances of your husband ending up in a divorced family with no father figure. But, people can get divorced and BOTH can still actively parent their children IF if they choose to make the extra effort that's required when they no longer have the convenience of being in the same physical household.

Firstly, much respect to all of you who can juggle this lifestyle and still keep everyone happy!

I told him this morning that even another woman in his life, won't (for very long) be a good enough distraction from a hated career path. Career is what I think he should be working on, though he doesn't know how to do that because his current role takes everything out of him, there's little time left over for anything, (let alone another woman!) He's obviously disappointed with how his life has turned out and frustratedly searching for a quick injection of newness to revitalize himself and quite likely offer a much needed boost to a shrunken self esteem....
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  #38  
Old 12-08-2011, 07:21 AM
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Hi Lila. No doubt you have received some sound support and advice from the lovely people here, I thought I might chime in after having skimmed some of the details.

I think if I were in your situation I might have a need to put my foot down. he might be all elated (NRE) about poly now that he has a small inkling of what it is, but that doesn't mean a free card to go do what he wants. It sounds like he has a lot of educating to do for himself as do you. Its not a matter of jumping in if one wants to succeed. If it were I doubt this forum would be here!

I think I would make some firm boundaries about what you expect and would appreciate him to do. The first being to hold off for at least a year on acting out his new feelings, second would be to go plan date nights again and get into the habit of spending time together, thinking about one another in terms of romance and togetherness (don't talk about kids and don't do "dates" with kids) and lastly start researching (start by reading threads here and doing tag searches), talking about feelings, learning the words to use to communicate about this stuff, get involved with your local community, and establish a foundation.

He has a long way to go as do you on understanding where poly theory ends and successful relationships with others begin.
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  #39  
Old 12-13-2011, 05:04 AM
Lila Lila is offline
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Hi,

I printed off and showed him all the responses I've received from this thread, I think he now understands that there's more to being poly than just having unbridled fun! However, although he agrees this is the case, he's still into the idea of some outer-marriage liaison, it will probably just manifest under a different title. Right now he's unable to accept that he can't have something meaningful (and spiritual) with someone else, which will include intimacy. Maybe he won't act this year but sooner or later I think he just won't be able to help himself - regardless of the pain it would cause me....because, as he said, "it's HIS journey".

It's only come to light recently, but this drama was all sparked by a particular woman at work, he invited her out for a drink and asked if they could be friends, they went for a drink but fortunately she got a different vibe from him and hasn't really spoken to him since (she told him she didn't need anymore married douche bags in her life!) even though he was adamant (to her) that he just wanted a friendship... she must have seen through him. He still feels that maybe they are "soul mates" because of the "energy" he still feels between them (even though they don't speak and she won't even respond to his emails!) So what "energy" could that be?....(I still think NRE)...

To think that he still had the nerve to come home and tell me that he'd met someone that he "wanted to go camping with, just as friends", because he thought he could learn a lot from her! "why can't a male and female just be friends?" he said)

I could sense he wasn't quite telling me everything, but I still helped him write an email to her the next morning as a damage limitation exercise! but this was before he admitted his true feelings for her about a month later (last week actually). Then it all made so much sense!

They will both be attending their work xmas party this Friday, so I'm hoping she still continues to give him the cold shoulder! I must admit, I will be super anxious until Friday night is over! He said he won't initiate any further conversation with her (ie: he is waiting for HER to see the light!) but you know how one can be after a couple of drinks!

In the mean time, I'm thinking about joining a poly meetup group anyway, just so I can understand it all better and hopefully learn from others how to deal with jealousy issues and a partner who feels love for another woman.
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  #40  
Old 12-13-2011, 05:07 AM
Lila Lila is offline
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P.S. I told him he WAS a married douche bag!
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