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Old 12-16-2011, 06:16 PM
Nathus Nathus is offline
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Default General advice needed for a newbie.

Hey all!

I recently posted this in a married life LiveJournal community, but I think it's much better off here as I should imagine that I'll be able to get more knowledgable advice.

All advice is greatly, seriously appreciated.

Today I posted this to my personal LJ:

"I am naturally inclined towards polyamory, but I'm in a monogamous relationship. I'm generally open to my Fiance about this and he is happy as we are, but sometimes obviously open to the idea of other things when I talk about them. We once attempted to engage in a polyamorous relationship of sorts with a third party, but it all went horribly wrong and I was left out in the cold - I won't go into details, just know that it was absolutely heart breaking and it took a long time to recover.

But still, my nature remains.

Don't get me wrong, I love my Fiance and would be happy with just him for the rest of my life. But, a part of me wants more, and I wish I knew why. I want more people to love, to hug, to cuddle, to snuggle, to kiss. Sure I think about sex, but at it's core it's not about sex. I want someone to date, to woo, to make feel good.

There's someone that I care about greatly, and she likes me too, but she is younger than me and simply will not partake in a polyamorous relationship. I don't blame her at all and I completely agree with her decision, but God does it hurt.

Waaaah waaaah woe is me."


Basically, it's getting to the point that it is really mentally affecting me and bothering me nearly every single day. I constantly get little crushes, and my sexuality is so open and fluid that I never hide my attraction to people. I'm a naturally very flirtatious person, but I make sure to never inappropriately be so and am quite shy in person. (Unlike my Fiance, who is very energetic and social.)

I just cannot stop thinking about how much I want to engage in a relationship with a third party, and how I want to go about making this happen, but at the same time it makes me feel so bad because my Fiance never actively thinks about this unless I bring it up (essentially he doesn't really have any issue with it, but it's obviously more my thing than his) and I love him to bits.

I desperately wish that these thoughts would bugger off, I feel like I'm an awful partner and that there must be something wrong with me. :C

All advice would be greatly appreciated.
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  #2  
Old 12-16-2011, 06:29 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Relationships where one partner is naturally monogamous, which your husband seems more inclined to be, and the other is naturally polyamorous, which seems to be your inclination, can work. They're tough but they can work! Do a tag search for mono/poly to read stories on the topic from others, good and bad.

Maybe it would help for us to have more of a sense of what went wrong in your failed attempt? It sounds like you two both attempted to date the same third person? That sort of thing is frequently a mess, especially when everyone involved is new to the complications of polyamory.

If your husband is ok with it, there's no reason you can't date other people apart from him and still have a healthy relationship with him, and there are resources out there to help you both if that's what you want.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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Old 12-16-2011, 06:34 PM
Nathus Nathus is offline
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Regarding the "incident" - we were both on friendly terms with a friend of ours, and came to the mutual agreement (all three of us) that we'd like to take it further. Unfortunately, on a date at the person's house there was a lack of communication and they engaged in physical intimacy without my permission, and due to my anxiety I was unable to speak up. (I am partly to blame, I admit this.)
It eventually ended with us all being uncomfortable, me not trusting my partner for a while, and the third person no longer being friends with my partner. (Though he is still a good friend of mine, there are no deeper feelings there now.)

Sorry to not be more explicit in explaining, it's all a bit awkward.

The thing is, I really don't know if he is okay with me seeing another person without him, and to be honest.. I don't think that I am okay with it.

Like before, I am more interested in sharing with my partner, really. Even if my partner is not as romantically involved, I want him to be there most of the time and to engage with us. He means so much to me, I don't want this to be a completely separate relationship.

Maybe it's too naively idealistic.
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Old 12-16-2011, 06:49 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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It sounds like the first step here is communication. If you don't know what he would be comfortable with, how can you proceed? I would suggest sitting down for a long conversation to cover all the possibilities, even if only to discard all/most of them. It will probably feel better to lay it all on the table -- does he know how strong your desires about this are? Talking may help you figure out your own boundaries better too

If you don't feel comfortable enough to just talk about all this stuff, you're not ready to try it in practice. Note also that communication was the problem in the incident with your friend.

It may help to do some reading first, to get a better grasp on what's plausible and what tends to work. www.morethantwo.com is an excellent site that covers mono/poly, dating as a couple, how to manage jealousy, and more.

I won't say it's impossible, but I will say that many people in couples start out with the idea that they will only date as a unit and end up revising that as they go along. Three-person relationships tend to arise serendipitously rather than out of planning, because when you try to plan for it you often end up forcing a new relationship into a mold that doesn't quite fit and stresses everyone out. That's been my observation anyway.

Explore, talk, read, and stay open to the possibilities! There is every reason to think there is a path forward that will support your bond with your husband and also allow you to love others.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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Old 12-17-2011, 01:52 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I don't understand what the problem is. Go look for someone to have another relationship with. If your fiance is okay with that then start dating people and introducing the possibilities to your fiance. They don't have to be best buds, but getting along is really helpful and highly suggested.

In the mean time, while you are looking and planning dates with others make sure that you keep fiance in the loop and plan some fun things for you and him to do to so that you don't get swept away and don't forget how important it is to divide your time evenly. If stuff comes up... and it will... slow down when you need to so that fiance can catch up emotionally and sort out what the issues are.

This forum is filled with people doing what you want to attempt. Do some searching and lots of reading. Make sure fiance does also. Do it together if you can. The more he knows the better. The more you know the better too, but if you are both to survive this its better to be on the same wave length.
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