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Old 12-07-2011, 12:01 AM
MrGiraffe MrGiraffe is offline
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Default Need A Poly POV

I need advice from people who are more intelligent in the subject of polyamory than I am. You'll have to excuse me if I present some of the information from a biased point or not taking account of polyamorus lingo.

Background history: I identify monogamous, however I am in a relationship with someone who says they are polyamorus. We are both male, and gay. There is real love in the relationship makes things difficult from my perspective, and his as well.

I knew he was interested in a polyamorus relationship before we started dating so none of this is a surprise to me, and I think of myself as a very open person. We never started to date because it wasn't the type of relationship I wanted to be in. We had sex, and beyond that we had a great emotional connection-we still do. Anyway after a while I told him we couldn't continue because it didn't feel right for me, and I wanted him to experience this side of himself. He never did, but I started developing an emotional connection with someone else. He told me loved me and everything he wanted in a person he could see in me. Coming from my point of view I think thats makes a person feel loved so much. I decided to give the relationship a try. It didn't last long because although he loved me I could sense he was unhappy. I made him break up with me. I told him I still love him but also urged him to experience a polyamorus relationship. We still continued having an emotional bond and having sex as well, but agreed if I found someone else it would stop.

Before I did find someone else I found out he was having other relationships with many different men. Nothing physical but alot of it had to do with talking about having sex or wanting sex online. This was while we were still dating and immediately afterwards. This pisses me off to be honest. I knew he wanted to be in a polyamorus relationship and I still wanted to be with him. I had my doubts and fears but I gave it a try. I don't understand why he didn't have the decency to tell me after me giving him full support. I am aware of a lot of stereotypes that go on with polyamorus relationships. I am a student studying anthropology. That doesn't automatically make me open-minded but the whole discipline encourages not coming from an ethnocentric point of view.

I decided I couldn't trust him anymore so I decided to move on. I finally started dating someone who I knew would mesh well with me. We had the same thoughts on relationships and we got along great. I was never in love with him, I saw myself having the potential to love him but my ex contacted me and asked me to give in another try several weeks later. I couldn't resist. We honestly love each other, I have been in several relationship and I know this is not some young romance that is riddled with lust or immaturity. I broke up with the guy I was dating. I told him the truth that there was someone else and whatnot.

So now we are dating again and he even deleted all those online accounts and contacts without me bringing it up. I told him I am not sure I could trust him so he took action. I admire he is trying on my part, even though he knows I was open to him being in a polyamorus relationship without me.
Everything was going fine until today. I love to talk with whomever I am dating about how the relationship is, and how we are progressing. He told me want to be celibate.

I thought this was a strange request for someone who is not religious, or has no problems with sex in the relationship. From my jealous mind I immediately thought this is a way for him let me off easy. I engaged conversation about his and he told me that he may have a sex addiction. He deleted those accounts because it was temptations. Now I am really confused.

I don't know if these are the actions of a polyamorus gay man who is trying to make me happy or convince himself he is not, or if these are the actions of a man who has a sexual addiction, doesn't know how to explain it and therefore associates it with polyamory. Could he be both be a polyamorus and have a sexual addiction. Also he never been in a polyamorus relationship as he says it is really hard for him to find the right people-which I can only imagine.

What I need is some advice from people who have been in this situation before, or people who are polyamorus. Do these seem like the actions of a polyamorus? I have no idea because I don't identify as one. My gut tells me he is trying make me happy because he tried to do it before. Normally I would never take someone back after cheating-I have cheated before but I was much younger and in a physically abusive relationship. I understand that cheating on someone is a complex thing and has way more do than not having morals. That is why I can forgive him for not telling me. I just want to be open in the communication department. That is important for any relationship. He is not always open so it is hard to gage what is feeling.

I hope someone can expand my knowledge of polyamorus relationships and help me understand from a polyamorus point of view. It's not either of us have done anything wrong, but I feel like I should have some restraint towards him if he turns out to be polyamorus. I don't have anything problems with, and I think it is a great way for some people to experience relationships but I don't t think I could get past the jealousy, secretcy, and complexity if it. Hope everyone understands where I am coming from! Sorry for writing a novel :P
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Old 12-07-2011, 02:24 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Here's the thing: if he's interested in having multiple loving relationships, then he can claim to be polyamorous. If he's interested in just fucking lots of folks, then the claim of a sex addiction appears to be much more accurate.

Simply based on what you've written, I'd say the latter is the case; he appears to be distressed by wanting to have sex with all of those others and does actually want a relationship with you. That's just my hallucination based on my reading of your post, so you'll have to decide how well it fits.

Just keep in mind that we're not here just because we want to fuck multiple people--it would be much easier to simply have open relationships and be promiscuous without bothering with all the work of relationship, if that's what we wanted--we're here because polyamory involves relationships. Many of us are polyfi, meaning we only have sex with the few folks with whom we're involved in relationships and aren't open to sex outside those relationships.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

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Old 12-07-2011, 03:23 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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The celibacy thing seems totally out of left field. If he thinks he really has an addiction, has he seen a doctor or therapist about it? Is cold turkey actually the best way to handle it? How long does he expect you to be okay with that for?

It's not a normal situation for a polyamorous person, if that's what you're asking, but that doesn't mean it's not real for him... poly people are still individuals after all. But what exactly makes him so sure he's polyamorous, if he's never had a poly relationship? Has he ever been in love with more than one person at once or does he just think it's something that would work well for him? As AT pointed out, poly is about much more then sex.

If it does turn out he's poly that doesn't mean the two of you are doomed... people make relationships work where one person is monogamous and the other is polyamorous, like me and my boyfriend (see the signature line), but it does make for some extra hard work. Jealousy, for many, can be tackled and overcome, as it often stems mostly from insecurities and fears not grounded in reality. Secrecy should never be a part of it. And some may consider it more complex, but I don't think it necessarily has to be once everyone is on the same page.

Great site for understanding the basic forms and concepts that tend to apply to poly relationships... your bf could probably use it too, it sounds like: www.morethantwo.com
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Old 12-07-2011, 06:28 AM
MrGiraffe MrGiraffe is offline
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Thanks for the advice. I guess I needed someone else's opinion- you know how that goes.

I do understand that being polyamorus is more than having sex different partners, a person can be polyamorus and have sex with only one person or have sex with more than one as long as it is open communication and not just about sex. My boyfriend and I discussed that many times before. Unfortunately he has not made an emotional connection with anyone-hence why he was never able to experience yet. He just says it would work well for him and he is interested in seriously persuing it. That is why I was taken aback with the comment of being addicted to sex, and thinking back to his messages with other men talking about sex and not much more.

I did not mean to offend anyone, if polyamorus works well for people that is great! I would find it a deal breaker as far a committed relationship goes- that is just my personal opinion. That is no reason for me to stop loving my boyfriend or anything- I can't see myself being in that type of relationship. I think that is better than completely denying the option.

Last edited by MrGiraffe; 12-07-2011 at 06:43 AM.
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Old 12-07-2011, 06:44 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Don't worry, I don't think anyone is offended. If you feel strongly that it wouldn't be right for you, that is perfectly valid.
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Old 12-07-2011, 03:11 PM
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StumblingAlong StumblingAlong is offline
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He sounds like he is having a lot of feelings that are leaving him confused about what he is feeling and himself.
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Old 12-08-2011, 06:33 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Hi MrG.

I think I might know a little of what he is going through. I have been very confused at times about what is going on for me. It then in turn confused my partners. Its a strange thing to be capable of loving more than one person simultaneously in a culture that does not understand that or accept it. We are not taught that we can go with our hearts, we are taught to control our hearts. For poly people that is very difficult and sometime cheating happens as a way to mask that there is a difference for us when it comes to love and sex. I wonder if this is what he is struggling with.

I think of poly and mono as two different cultures or religions. When two people get together from different cultures of religions it quite often happens that they don't understand one another, get confused by the way each other is acting and where they are coming from and it means a lot of communication and self reflection in order to accomplish the art of being together.

Keep at it. It sounds like you love this man and he loves you. Be patient and be open to listening and prompting him to dig deeply into why he behaves the way he does. Lastly, educate yourselves together. There is much to learn and talk about, sometime that can help in understanding one another. These are some of the things I did with my mono boyfriend and while he will always be a mystery to me and me to him, we at least have developed a way to talk to one another and got through some of the more major issues.

Good luck.
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