Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-04-2011, 02:56 AM
kinkypolycpl kinkypolycpl is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 3
Default New Relationship issues

My husband and I recently started talking with and seeing a woman. So far we have gone out with her together twice. I have plans to spend time with her just the two of us tomorrow and my husband is going to take her out just her and him next week. Too soon for issues right? Don't I wish.

Our problem is probably one of the last problems you would think to have. She and I get along great. We are both bi and very interested in each other and building a relationship. The issue is that she doubts my husbands attraction to her. We are new to the poly lifestyle and while we have talked about it a lot and had one brief fling with someone who was our friend we are still very green. My husband is just getting adjusted to the new situation and isn't use to dating and needing to show affection to two women much less one who he is married to and the other who is still so brand new to him. In addition he is trying to make sure that he doesn't do anything that will upset me. (I have reassured him time and time again that I am 100% ok and comfortable and that I really like this woman.) He is also a perfect gentleman and this woman is super hot and accustomed to being treated like an object. My husband isn't like that.

His lack of physical interaction with her has caused her to doubt him. We are communicating with her about it and told her that when the two of them spend time alone this week it will make it easier for him to show his attraction and get more comfortable with her. This in turn will make it easier for him to be more physical with both of us when we all go out together.

Have any other couples experienced this? Does anyone have any advice on things we (she, my husband, or I) can do to help? Thanks in advance!
__________________
***************
"We believe that trust is more important than monogamy" - Unknown

KinkyPolyCpl
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-04-2011, 03:05 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,232
Default

Why don't you guys just focus on the pairing where there's am obvious mutual attraction and everyone is comfortable? Why does she necessarily need to be dating *both* of you right at the start? Maybe in time she and your husband will develop something that feels right and easy for both of them, but if the only problem is that it feels a little weird between them right now why force that relationship?

Maybe she and he will just be good friends or maybe they'll become sex partners and nothing more or maybe they'll fall deeply in love in time... but my experience is that if something feels even a little forced it just gets more awkward, not less, whereas if it's given space and treated lightly it can develop into what it's meant to be.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-04-2011, 08:29 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

It sounds to me that she might have some self esteem issues around being treated as an object. With time she might learn that attention comes in many forms and that sometimes its better to be treated for what's inside rather than what is outside. She might not like that, but I suggest your husband keep at being himself as his attitude and pace are appropriate and to be commended. I wish more men would take the sleez out of dating. It has a time and place I think, but when you are getting to know someone I find it completely disrespectful to be lecherous and to oogle.

Maybe she will realize that she is worth more to him than her body... sad that she thinks she is worth so little. I would see that as a red flag... instant gratification in terms of sex is great but if you are looking for the long haul and she is already impatient that he isn't all over her, then I would be concerned about that personally.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-05-2011, 04:15 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,203
Default

After only two dates she is doubting your husband's attraction to her? She does sound a bit impatient. Or maybe what she's trying to say is that she didn't feel any spark herself. Perhaps there wasn't as much chemistry between her and him as there was between her and you. However, I'm not sure she can really gauge that well enough when on a date with both of you. Since she has agreed to another date with each of you separately, she must be interested-- yet a bit insecure. Her insecurity is not your problem. Just continue to be yourselves and court her at your pace, as slowly as you need, with respect and honest communication, and be on the lookout for red flags. She may not be the one. I think you'll be okay.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 12-05-2011 at 04:17 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-07-2011, 12:56 PM
kinkypolycpl kinkypolycpl is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 3
Talking

Thank you so much everyone for your constructive thoughts. The date my husband and her went very well and both are much more comfortable with the other. They both sent me a message the minute their date was over and wanted to know if I could talk. It was quite cute.

My husband is starting to see some esteem issues but they are things that can easily be worked on. It also helped when I spent time with her on Sunday and explained more what he is going through. She just couldn't understand how I could be so comfortable with things and he wasn't. (I at that point explained I had been active in the swinger lifestyle for years prior to meeting my husband.) It clicked for her then and helped to release a lot of the doubts.

Things seem to be heading the right direction now. We have plans to go out together the three of us this weekend.
__________________
***************
"We believe that trust is more important than monogamy" - Unknown

KinkyPolyCpl
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-07-2011, 03:29 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,203
Default

I think you are approaching this in a smart way by alternating dates for all three of you with dating as pairs. The fact that you are doing this from the very beginning is good. We see a lot of triads backfire and cause grief and drama mostly because of some weird insistence that everybody always have sex or date only when all three are present. What pressure that creates. But you folks recognized that there are several relationships to nurture here, so I think you are starting off on the right foot (er, if it's poly I guess I mean "the right feet!"), even if it might feel awkward at times.

Funny, it seems to be your gf who thinks the relationships should proceed equally, usually it's the couple who thinks that. Just keep reminding her that you and hubs each have your own style and pace and that it's better if all relationships develop naturally, without trying to force anything. Good luck with it all and have fun this weekend.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:31 PM.