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  #21  
Old 12-31-2009, 07:26 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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My sister knows about all of it, but I really don't want to try to explain it to my dad. He's just happy that there's someone making sure I have good tires on my van in the winter, and that I'm not still married to the asshole. Beyond that, he doesn't ask if I'm dating or if I have a boyfriend, because he doesn't want to know.
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  #22  
Old 12-31-2009, 09:01 AM
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Ravenesque Ravenesque is offline
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I am sorry things have been strained between your mother and you.

I would not recommend giving ultimatums but simply stating that you are going through another happy change in your life as any change. Live your life in the way that makes you happiest, not in the way that appeases others.

She knew who you were and nothing has changed. You love her and you are loved. Let her know that nothing would be better than to have her love and acceptance. However you are an adult and you will live your life.

Do not live two different lives. Include R as though she has already accepted him. It will be for your mother to decide to blatantly reject or to accept.

If R is going to move in, do not stall it or cancel plans because of your mother's views. You have to decide which is more important, your mother's validation of your life's decisions or your personal fulfillment.

I wish you all the best.

~Raven~
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  #23  
Old 12-31-2009, 09:32 AM
dakid dakid is offline
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honey i know how it is to feel like i have disappointed my parents, because i have many times on many levels!
my parents are both academics and i dropped out of school at 16. i later followed that with dropping out of nursing studies to have a nervous breakdown. but wait there's more! i came out first as lesbian, then later as bisexual, and now as polyamorous too.
my mum dealt with all this in her own way and is now very accepting of everything except the poly part of my life, although she respects me enough to remain tactful and polite and not to force her views upon me. her inital way of coping with my queer sexuality was to try and marry me off to my best friend and encourage us to make babies any way we could! bless her. i have no doubt she will eventually come around to understanding my poly-ness in time, because that's the kind of woman she is.
my father, however, will never accept me for who i am. his dream daughter would be skinny, with long hair (mine is shaved), well-educated and heterosexual. preferrably married with a child or three. with hobbies like opera and ballet, and reading only officially "good" literature.
well i have come to realise that just as i am a disappointment to him, so he is to me.
sounds like a little thing, a play on words, but really this was a fundamental shift for me in how i perceive our relationship.
he has disappointed me hugely in his inability to cherish me for who i really am. my mum's brilliance only highlights his failings. he is homophobic, dishonest, and small-minded.
not only that but he had a secret affair (or several) behind my mum's back and is now married to the woman who was his mistress. what a disappointment he is to all of us, although sadly only me and my mum can see that (my brother still hero-worships him).
as soon as i was able to see things this way round, to stop blindly seeking his approval and to actually apply some critical judgement about how he measures up as a father, i stopped beating myself up for failing to be the daughter he wanted and started to celebrate who i actually am.
i'm not saying your family have the faults he has, maybe they are more like my mum and will come around in time, i sure hope so.
i just share this because i hope it might help you to see things from a different perspective. are your family living up to your hopes or are they disappointing you? you deserve the best, sometimes we only find that when we start to create our own family (our chosen family, as we queers like to call it) and stop trying to fit a round peg into the square hole that is our blood-relatives.
all the very best, and sorry for rambling! hope it makes some sense...
x
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  #24  
Old 12-31-2009, 02:06 PM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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I spoke to my Mum on the phone last night, it was a general phone call to wish her a happy new year. R was here with me and montianboy was not,

I think I did ok with this phone call, she went back over some of her worrys etc and hinted at not being willing to meet R. Rather than get angry or frustarted with her on the phone I told that that i understood that she was obviously worried about me and that i apreciated that she loved me enough to care. I then reasured her that i was very happy and that nothing at all bad was happening to me. I also said that i understood if she felt uncomfortable meeting R at first but told her that whenever she is ready to meet him we can arange something.

By the end of the phone calls she seemed a lot more relaxed, and even passed on new years wishes to R who she knew was also at home with me,
that is BIG step for my Mum

i think however when she talks to my step dad again she might backtrack a little, she said on phone call she would be willing to meet him at some point but i know that my step Dad will try to persuade her that this is a bad idea.

My Dad will prob never accept this, (my parents are seperated) but my Dad is a huge disapointment to me. Christmas eve he text me to tell me that both myself and montianboy where to delete his number from our phone because we disgust him. I honestly do not desire or care for his approval hes hurt me and the rest of my family so many times that i keep in touch with him only becuase i feel guilty to have no contact at all.

Jools
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  #25  
Old 12-31-2009, 08:32 PM
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Well that was a baby step Jools yay.

Sorry about your Dad though

sigh,,,, so much work to do huh?
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  #26  
Old 01-01-2010, 03:47 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post
Rather than get angry or frustarted with her on the phone I told that that i understood that she was obviously worried about me and that i apreciated that she loved me enough to care. I then reasured her that i was very happy and that nothing at all bad was happening to me. I also said that i understood if she felt uncomfortable meeting R at first but told her that whenever she is ready to meet him we can arange something.Jools
That's so awesome Jools ! You're handling it with such grace - I'm so happy for you. Empathy, sincerity, kindness, love. You're setting the example. Those who choose to can follow.

Happy New Year !
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  #27  
Old 01-01-2010, 04:31 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post
By the end of the phone calls she seemed a lot more relaxed, and even passed on new years wishes to R who she knew was also at home with me, that is BIG step for my Mum.
Sometimes all we can do is to continue calmly to explain how we feel. If they are in the least bit open or empathic they will eventually realise that you are happy and content and that it's not bad for you.

There are some who will never see that, but then I'm not sure that any words or actions would help....

So for what it's worth, I definitely feel like you are doing the right things, here.
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