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  #11  
Old 12-05-2011, 02:31 AM
lifetake2 lifetake2 is offline
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Originally Posted by secretposter View Post
I know this. I know that all the rules are being broken on this one. This I know.
Fine, then no flak, not condemnation or anything like that.

But as the husband of mennodaughter let me make the options clear:

You can either

1) come clean, NOW--before the next time you even think of your 'friend'. It will hurt your wife, it will hurt you, and it may destroy your marriage...it may be too late.

OR

2) you can wait, hedge, lie, wait for her to find out. That will destroy your wife, destroy you, and almost undoubtedly destroy your marriage.

I trust you didn't chose to be where you are; but here you and it is time to make a decision.....which will you pick?
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  #12  
Old 12-05-2011, 03:53 AM
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I find the vagueness a bit irritating. Have you had sex with this other woman? How long have you been [somehow] involved with her, how often do you see her, and what exactly has happened? Exactly how far has this other relationship gone? Does her husband know about you?
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  #13  
Old 12-05-2011, 07:44 AM
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I thought it all a bit vague too. Thanks for asking what I was wondering too NYCinidie.

I agree that this has to stop right now. Even if you haven't had sex, or touched each other in a way that is sexual.... stop, right now. You say you know this stuff, so listen to your self. It sounds like you will end up with nothing if this goes any further.

I am hoping you haven't done anything stupid yet, but one thing seems for sure; you haven't got to the stage where that pain you feel and guilt has solidified and become normal to the point of ignoring it, rationalizing it and turning it into something that rots the very core of your being until you are no longer the person you know and love. You seem to be grasping at trusting yourself!

Now is the time to act. In the company of your therapist, tell her what is going on. I have a mono partner, its possible to get through this with some compromise, some slow movement and trying to understand that the two of you speak two different languages. This other woman will wait if she is meant to be. There is no rushing into this stuff anyway. Especially if you are looking for a long term thing. So take your time... slow down and let your wife catch up for a bit.

Try looking at some "cheating" threads by doing a tag search for "cheating" in the search engine. I suggest it as there are a lot of stories here of what happens when you cheat, what can be done and what kind of process can be gone through.
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  #14  
Old 12-05-2011, 03:29 PM
secretposter secretposter is offline
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Please forgive my vagueness, I am not about to go into intimate details on a public forum. Suffice to say that we have been intimate. I did not expect this relationship to develop, it was an out of the blue sort of thing, we met, hit it off, been seeing each other for a while now.
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  #15  
Old 12-05-2011, 04:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by secretposter View Post
Please forgive my vagueness, I am not about to go into intimate details on a public forum. Suffice to say that we have been intimate. I did not expect this relationship to develop, it was an out of the blue sort of thing, we met, hit it off, been seeing each other for a while now.
Sorry if it seems like I'm harping on this. I really just want to be helpful, if I can be. One thing you keep saying stands out for me, and raises a question you should probably be asking yourself.

You keep saying this relationship arose unexpectedly: you weren't looking for it; it just sort of happened, on its own, in spite of you.

You may not mean that the way I'm hearing it, but too often I've heard people use that kind of language to try to avoid taking responsibility for the circumstances in which they find themselves.

I've had students try to weasel out of responsibility for obvious acts of wholesale academic dishonesty by crying: "But I didn't mean to do any harm!"

That doesn't wash, whether the cheating is academic or sexual. The harm is done anyway, and if you just kind of drifted into the current circumstance, just sort of let it happen, then you are responsible for letting yourself drift, for just letting things happen.

You are also responsible for what you do next.

As I tried to say before, that you are drawn to this other woman is a psychological fact about you; it's a neurochemical addiction. What you do about that attraction is not a matter of fact, but a matter of choice - and not choosing is also a choice.

(To give this some context, I have for some time been powerfully attracted to a younger woman with whom it would, for professional reasons, be inappropriate for me to have any relationship other than a somewhat formal friendship. That I am madly in love with her is really no one's fault. It just happened. Had I pursued an intimate relationship with her, I would rightly have been held responsible for wrongdoing. By the way, my wife knows about my crush and sympathizes with my frustration over it. That helps immensely.)

So, I'll sound the refrain again. You are where you are. What do you do next?

Oh, and wallowing in guilt, repeating that you've broken the rules (which implies they cannot be repaired or restored?), may be just another way of evading responsibility. "In for a dime, in for a dollar" is not a viable principle in this case.

I guess what most of us who have replied are trying to say, in part, is that there is no way for you to avoid responsibility. You face a difficult choice. There will be damage and pain any way you go, though perhaps less pain and more hope of recovery in one direction than another.

Own up to your situation. Embrace your responsibilities. Find the path that will allow you save as much as possible of your self worth and your relationships with the people who care for you.

Maybe I could be more positive about this: find the path that gives you the best hope of living and loving without deception (including self-deception) and go that way, even if it's the hardest thing you've ever done.
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Last edited by hyperskeptic; 12-05-2011 at 04:10 PM.
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  #16  
Old 12-05-2011, 04:14 PM
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This article may provide some useful perspective on how and why relationships happen when you don't expect them to: http://www.morethantwo.com/polycatlove.html
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  #17  
Old 12-05-2011, 04:30 PM
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Good morning secretposter. What's your biggest fear in coming clean to your wife? Are you worried that she is going to leave you when she finds out that you've been seeing someone else? Are you worried that she is going to forbid you from seeing the other woman? In either case the chances of this happening are much less likely if the truth comes from you, rather than her finding out from another source. Also your wife deserves to make an informed decision for herself about what structure HER relationship takes.

If this really is a deal breaker for her and under no circumstances does she want to be involved in an open relationship then all that is happening is that you are putting off the inevitable. If, though, there is a chance that she will be open to you having other loves in your life then the work has to be done on both your parts eventually and it may as well start now.

There is no easy way out of this and no guarantees. You're not going to know what her reaction will be until you tell her about what has been going on. This isn't going to be easy at all but it does have to be done so you can move into the next phase of your life, whatever that is going to look like.
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  #18  
Old 12-05-2011, 04:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
This article may provide some useful perspective on how and why relationships happen when you don't expect them to: http://www.morethantwo.com/polycatlove.html
Yep, that's it exactly. Thanks, Annabel!

(NewBrightShiny . . . that's just perfect.)
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  #19  
Old 12-05-2011, 08:43 PM
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It is possible to suddenly fall in love with someone. Sometimes that isn't a choice. What is a choice is what you do with it. Unfortunately you decided to create a situation where you didn't compound the love in your life, but jeopardize what you have by cheating. Now your new love is soiled and your old love is false in the eyes of your wife. Love has become scarce and impure where you could of made it abundant and beautiful and all because of the path you choose. At least that's what I have learned in cheating myself. Its possible to turn it around but you've made a lot of work for your self and have likely damaged someone who is innocent. I also would have less respect for someone who also choose to cheat with me.

So what will you do? We have given you a lot of advice and directed you many places. Have you decided? It sounds like the time is now to decide to keep lying and cheating or getting about coming clean and having integrity.
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Last edited by redpepper; 12-05-2011 at 09:02 PM.
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  #20  
Old 12-05-2011, 10:24 PM
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You might want to read this thread http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...580#post114580 at around page 8 and 9 and any other threads tagged "pacing"

I realize this is really hard for you. I can completely empathize, as can many people here. Many of us are saying it like it is because we have been in the place of any of you in this dynamic. Please realize that the push to come clean comes from compassion. It is almost always the best solution. To me its the best solution in your scenario. I feel for you. I know how crippling it can be to realize what you've done and having to now come clean about it.
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