Don't ask, Don't tell policies

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I just cover my ears and say LALALALALA over and over until she gets bored or angry.

If there were things she found negative about our sex I don't mind her talking to her husband about them. I don't want that in return though..

Indeed. It is obvious from that statement and from things you have explicitly said throughout your time on this forum that you view redpepper's relationships with other men in a distinct hierarchical fashion, and I suppose that is prob'ly where the sentiments mentioned in the above quote are rooted.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by YGirl

Indeed. It is obvious from that statement and from things you have explicitly said throughout your time on this forum that you view redpepper's relationships with other men in a distinct hierarchical fashion, and I suppose that is prob'ly where the sentiments mentioned in the above quote are rooted.

Exaclty correct! Thanks for putting that into perspective for me. I definitely see her husband as Alpha and that is what makes this work for me....I have no problem with taking up the secondary role and see unique privileges to his position as her husband....veto, and access to information and such. There's is also the matter of trust as well. I don't trust easy and Redpepper' s husband is the person I trust most outside of Redpepper.

Thanks Ygirl....I like the word hierarchical..think I'll use it, just not infront of Redpepper

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Thanks Ygirl....I like the word hierarchical..think I'll use it, just not infront of Redpepper

You're welcome... except I don't own that word so use it as much as you wish!

[redpepper]

I used to talk all the time about my sex life to everyone. I couldn't see why anyone should object so I would ramble on excitedly about everything until one day I over heard a conversation that I wasn't meant to hear between two people. They were talking about me and saying things that made me realize that I was annoying them and that I could use some respect of their boundaries and perhaps my own. Of course they didn't say it so kindly.

I was upset by this and decided not to give details unless asked or in a situation where my thoughts could be in context of the conversation. This has proved to be far more in keeping with what most people seem to be able to deal with.

As far as my loves go I have the same policy. It works for us. I don't see it as an insecurity as much as respect that they are not thinking about sex right now or they are not ready to hear details, or it's not all that interested, or we don't have time to get into it etc. When any of them want to know then they can ask, or if I feel they need to know some information then I will tell them. I have no problem giving as much detail as someone wants including my feelings and what I think the whole feeling felt like, but that would entirely depend on how many questions I get and what the focus of the topic is about.

Sometimes I miss talking as freely as I once did as I think that on all levels that kind of openness would disspell a lot of misconceptions. Of course I would also have to be willing to hear everything people have to say... such as the conversation I over heard that made me aware that I was bugging people.

Ah well, it's all a balance that is worked out in the moment and in time and comfort level.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I used to talk all the time about my sex life to everyone. I couldn't see why anyone should object so I would ramble on excitedly about everything

I can't even begin to imagine how many times I have done this...

Originally Posted by redpepper

They were talking about me and saying things that made me realize that I was annoying them and that I could use some respect of their boundaries and perhaps my own. Of course they didn't say it so kindly.

...and how many times this must have happened (without my being aware of it)!

Of course, I've changed since those days, but there was no one moment of epiphany like you just described.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Ah well, it's all a balance that is worked out in the moment and in time and comfort level.

You do an awesome job of reaching that balance for me by the way..I know it isn't easy because I am soooo sensitive

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by redpepper

As far as my loves go I have the same policy. It works for us. I don't see it as an insecurity as much as respect that they are not thinking about sex right now or they are not ready to hear details, or it's not all that interested, or we don't have time to get into it etc. When any of them want to know then they can ask, or if I feel they need to know some information then I will tell them. I have no problem giving as much detail as someone wants including my feelings and what I think the whole feeling felt like, but that would entirely depend on how many questions I get and what the focus of the topic is about.

The thing is, choosing not to have DADT policy doesn't automatically mean that all things get told all the time. For me the dynamic is just like you describe here. If people want to talk about it, they do. If people don't want to talk about it, they don't. But the foundation of trust and openness is there to build on. Setting up a policy to prescribe how one can and can't talk about these things just doesn't make sense to me.

[crisare]

Setting up a policy to prescribe how one can and can't talk about these things just doesn't make sense to me.

Ah. I see. I think there's a bit of a misunderstanding here - and possibly due to my finally realizing a communication error.

Ceoli, it seems (based on this and other posts) you automatically equate "policy" with "prescriptive". It also seems that you're equating having a "policy" with having hard and fast, carved in stone rules.

Not everyone equates having a policy with prescribing behavior. For us the policy is mostly an unspoken one based on a conversation we had a few years ago. It's not a prescriptive rule or demand on either of our parts. It's knowing each other well enough (having been married for going on 12 years now and knowing each other for nearly 18) that this is the amount of information each would be comfortable with.

When we first discussed opening our marriage after our separation, I was dating someone else. I asked my H how much he wanted to know - and was willing to tell him anything and everything he wanted to hear - and he said he didn't need to know details ... that as long as I let him know who I was seeing and when (so he didn't wait dinner on me or whatever), he didn't really want to know more. I realized that he had a level of discomfort hearing about my having sex with someone else and I respect that. I also know that (given his particular sexual kinks) I would not be comfortable hearing about the sex he had with someone else. That's not insecurity on my part or his - it's just a level of comfort with what he enjoys vs. what I enjoy.

THAT is the limit of our "policy". We know what our limits are on personal information and we respect that with each other.

I think when you read that someone has a "policy" you assume that it is a hard and fast prescriptive rule. Not all policies fit that description.

[crisare]

This just occurred to me:

Ceoli - I think it's apparent that you and I have very different relationships in our lives. Your relationships (or the relationships you want) have everyone being involved with each other to a much higher degree than mine do.

In my relationships, my H and my b/f are separate. They only know each other incidentally by their association with me and have no desire to know each other better (no dislike for each other, mind you, it's not like that).

The bottom line is that in the way my life works, I have 2 separate intimate relationships that don't connect with each other. So it is important to all of us to respect those individual relationships. That's part of DADT in my world.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by crisare

which goes back to your thread on "rules" being "prescriptive"..

OK, before she gets back from walking the dog and reads your post:

I feel compelled to point out that Ceoli's thread was not about "rules being prescriptive". It was about RELATIONSHIPS being formed according to prescriptions - or not. The whole thing about "rules" came about in the course of the thread and it was other people, not Ceoli, that injected that aspect into the original sentiment.

I think it's important to not obfuscate the current discussion with misinterpretations of another discussion.