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  #151  
Old 08-11-2013, 05:45 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Don't Ask don't tell to me means you could be involved with someone who wants to remain oblivious to your actions and even partners. You know you have someone who you are open with but details of any kind wig you out.

Could easily be poly. Poly simply means to love more than one, thats it. Relationship constructs around that don't apply to polyamoury. Ethics are also individual so its hard to apply to a relationship construct.

I couldn't do a DADT.. i prefer friendly involvement with my metamours. Doesn't mean it can't work, just means it won't work with me in the picture.
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  #152  
Old 08-12-2013, 06:41 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by drtalon View Post
I think I disagree, though I'm using 'consent' as in willingness rather than consent as in permission.

Are you saying that relationships where not everyone is willingly participating should be called polyamorous?
I'm saying that no one except the people in a relationship get a vote in whether that relationship "should" be called polyamorous. I'm emphasizing that "polyamorous" and "healthy" are unrelated terms.

The only intrinsic characteristic of the term "polyamorous" is the literal one: multiple loving. Whether that happens through cheating, DADT, or 100% informed consent, is all a matter of coincidence.

Until we form the polyamory gestapo, there is no validity to saying "this and this and this are polyamory, but this and this and this are not." It's all opinion and personal preference.

Sure, "ideal" polyamory entails things like consent, good communication, being self-aware, expressing your feelings and blah blah blah... But if "ideal" was ever intrinsic to the term "polyamory," I didn't get the memo.

I firmly believe that it is not for you or I to tell someone else that their relationship is or is not polyamorous. The most you and I can say is that it does not conform to the type of polyamory we have chosen for our own lives. Big whoop-de-doo.

I think "that's not polyamory" thinking comes from the attitude some people have that polyamory is better or sacred or special. It's not. It's just another way of doing things. Some people do it well, some people fuck it up. But doing something poorly is not the same as not doing it.
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  #153  
Old 11-08-2013, 01:28 AM
strudel strudel is offline
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Default thoughts on don't-ask-don't-tell

I don't see too many posts from people in a don't-ask-don't-tell poly situation. It's really worked for J and I, so I'm not sure I see a negative side to it, but wasn't sure if others had opinions or experiences to share.

H and I have a similar relationship; he obviously knows of J and E but doesn't care to know details.

Is don't-ask-don't-tell common in poly relationships?
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  #154  
Old 11-08-2013, 01:37 AM
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My definition of dadt is your partner is in the dark with every aspect of your other relationships.

They do not know or want to know who what why or when.

You know the view you're going to do it just I do not want to know.
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  #155  
Old 11-08-2013, 01:45 AM
london london is offline
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See, for me, DADT refers to the relationship style someone I used to date had; his girlfriend knew he saw other people but being confronted with it in any way was a betrayal. This meant, theoretically, that if we had a date planned and she wanted him for something, he couldn't say he was busy because there was nothing he could be busy with that sh couldn't attend and she was used to him cancelling anything he had planned for her needs anyway. This meant that we would never be able to develop the trust and mutual respect necessary for me to build a committed romantic relationship. I would never feel valued enough. It certainly prompted me to adjust my views somewhat about my relations with metamours and what is realistic over the long term if you want to have long term polyamorous commitments.

What you describe just seems to be minimal sharing of details rather than a DADT.
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  #156  
Old 11-08-2013, 04:41 AM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Seems to me that knowing someone's other relationships but not sharing details is different from knowing nothing. I just spent the evening with AM and WI doesn't care about details - she knows what we'd be doing and probably hopes we had fun. That's different from me hooking up while on a trip and not saying anything. DADT wouldn't work for us, but minimal info does.
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  #157  
Old 11-08-2013, 09:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by strudel View Post
Is don't-ask-don't-tell common in poly relationships??
Define your terms.

To me, DADT is where one partner is able to pretend that they are in a traditionally monogamous relationship even though they have given permission for their partner to see someone(s) else.

A situation where one partner knows about the other partner(s) but doesn't expect to be given a blow-by-blow recap of what goes on between them isn't DADT, it's just people with healthy personal boundaries.

Someone who knows about the other partner(s) and insists on knowing exactly who did what to whom, when, and for how long isn't the opposite of DADT, it's a whole different mess of possessiveness and intrusion.

#1, DADT, requires secrecy.

#2 rejects secrecy and allows privacy.

#3 rejects privacy and is an unhealthy couple-privileged mess in which nobody is happy to mind their own business.

Which do you mean when you say "DADT"?

Last edited by Emm; 11-08-2013 at 09:27 AM. Reason: Too many "just"s.
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  #158  
Old 11-08-2013, 09:40 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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To elaborate on that, I don't think DADT can work in a relationship form of Poly (i.e. if we define Polyamory as featuring emotion based outside relationships) for the reasons already mentioned. But as a form of non monogamy I don't see the problem. Especially if one or both don't live together or travel much for work, I don't think it is sustainable if someone gets attached. Being a dirty secret is never nice.
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  #159  
Old 11-08-2013, 10:36 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by strudel View Post
I don't see too many posts from people in a don't-ask-don't-tell poly situation. It's really worked for J and I, so I'm not sure I see a negative side to it, but wasn't sure if others had opinions or experiences to share.

H and I have a similar relationship; he obviously knows of J and E but doesn't care to know details.

Is don't-ask-don't-tell common in poly relationships?
I think it's the kind of thing that can work great.....until it doesn't.

It's like not buying house insurance. As long as nothing bad happens, you're golden, laughing at all those suckers for paying their monthly premiums. But when it blows up, it's catastrophic

To me, the biggest problem is that it necessitates lying. Now, I have no problem with privacy and keeping some things secret. But that's different from bold-faced lies. I don't see how you could maintain DADT without eventually lying outright.

I think it would be pretty much impossible to have a really intimate, long term, loving relationship with someone if I couldn't even tell my spouse that they existed. For me, one of the things that makes my life so fulfilling is the acceptance I get from everyone in it about my relationships with everyone else.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #160  
Old 11-08-2013, 10:43 AM
london london is offline
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I think if your partner really wants a DADT, the main thing I would say you really need to discuss is how emotionally involved you can become with other people. Theoretically, one partner could end up progressing a relationship to a live in stage and you'd have no idea that they had been on their way to making such a game changing commitment to someone else. You are effectively consenting to not be informed of major life decisions that they might make that will affect what plans you make for your own future.
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