Don't ask, Don't tell policies

[Velvet]

Originally Posted by Emm

I'm not sure I'd call that DADT. Many people (possibly you included, which is why I'm using your post as a jumping off point) seem to be equating DADT with privacy, whereas I see it as having more to do with secrecy.

Your partners know that the other exists. You know when they're seeing others, even if you don't care about the details. If you didn't tell either of your guys that there was anyone else or if they just disappeared on "business trips" every week or two and didn't tell you about their Others then by my definition it'd be DADT. As it is I'd call it open/poly without everyone being forced under a magnifying glass.

Feel free to use my post. I definitely respect the privacy of my lover, but it does occur to me there is no obligation to "tell" in our relationship. I didn't word it as well in my first post. If telling happens it is voluntary. And it is likely there are people I haven't been told about and I also don't ask. We've never discussed that other lovers must be disclosed, or never disclosed. It was odd to realize that was never set as a point of dialogue (or a point to be avoided) for my love BB and I. So I agree with you it's not DADT. It is much closer to it than I would've thought I wanted.

I believe I can live with knowing so little because there are very few people I know with as much integrity as BB. I believe and trust his judgement without reservation. That makes it easy.

[nycindie]

As I understand it, a DADT arrangement means that a person in a committed partnership has other lovers who he or she sees totally in secret. Their partner wants to be blissfully ignorant of any liaisons and pretends they are completely monogamous. They usually say, "Do what you want, but I don't want to know about it. Make sure I don't find out, and make sure no one else finds out. If anyone we know even suspects you are with someone else, we are through." And so, it's basically an ultimatum that forces the person to act like a cheater, and the only way they are allowed to have another relationship is if it is kept completely under wraps. Trysts with lovers get cancelled and swept aside whenever the partner needs them, and no excuse is accepted. That is DADT. I have been approached by several men who had that kind of arrangement, and I chose not to get involved. No way do I want to be someone's dirty secret.

Not divulging details about lovers or sexual practices to a partner who knows and consents that you have other lovers is not DADT. That's usually just about respecting someone's privacy or discomfort with sharing details. Additionally, there are plenty of people who are in poly situations and do not know their metamours at all. It is not a requirement to know and befriend your lover's lovers. That doesn't mean that the relationships are completely unacknowledged.

DADT is a totally different thing. DADT is all pretense.

[soleilselene]

Well, for the most part you are right, but my husband did not give me the ultimatum that he would leave if he learns about it. That is not us. He simply doesn't want to know.

Most of the people I have meet are keeping it from their families and friends because they do not want to be judged. I still have yet to meet (in person) someone who is completely open about their poly-amorous situation.

[IndigoLoves]

I am so glad to have found this site. I have been in poly relationships for as long as I can remember. At this time I am the pivotal part of a triad. In other words.. I am a woman with two men as my primary relationship. One of them is poly, like me, and the other mono. We have been together 5 years. I have always been the OPEN one.. eager to talk about our experiences. That doesn't work for them. I found it perplexing that neither one of my men wants "too much information", and I didn't know where to draw the line.

I learned over time that it isn't because they don't care. It is because me discussing one with the other actually took away from the time was spending with "him". If wasn't a fair thing to do. So now, I enjoy my time with each of them and others that might come into our "circle", and if our other relationships come up, we can talk about it... otherwise, I just keep it simple and love each one in the time we have together.