Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-10-2013, 07:16 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,267
Default Attachment Styles & poly differences

Several posters have commented that they found this blog post very enlightening and helpful in seeing a broader picture, understanding people who are not like them etc.

So I figured I would share it, in it's own thread for more people to reference and comment on.

I find it helpful in understanding that the bottom line is-we are all different. There are aspects to each others lives we simply don't understand, can't understand (especially on a message board). These differences affect how we carry on relationships, how we are CAPABLE of carrying on relationships.

Not all people are capable of living the Hub style poly.
Not all people are capable of living the Family style poly.
Not all people are capable of living the Mono lifestyle.
Etc.

http://much-ado.livejournal.com/2367604.html
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-10-2013, 07:40 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Quote:
I became aware of a growing trend among the "popular" poly writers to adopt what was coming across to me, at least, as a kind of dismissiveness or denigrative attitude toward those people in the poly community who apparently aren't doin' it right: the people who do need hierarchy or who do need security based in rules and predictable expectations because trust (for whatever reason) isn't solid enough or communications practices aren't robust enough, to more fluidly and gracefully adapt-on-the-fly to the inevitable relational issues that pop up no matter what kind of relationships we h
This sums it up, for me. You see, when you tell someone that you feel a certain configuration like a closed triad or a family style dynamic raises "lack of trust/insecurity/fear based controlling rules" red flags, they become defensive. I totally understand why a lot of people need these type of things and, as the author acknowledges, it is because "trust isn't solid enough" and I dont always think that it is always an unfounded lack of trust but it exists all the same. We all know the risks of getting involved with someone in one or more existing relationships that lack trust and the like, so I don't understand why there would be surprise that people are wary of poly networks where the are signs that a lack of trust exists.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-11-2013, 12:57 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 431
Default wasn't this the article mentioned

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=59389
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-11-2013, 06:13 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,571
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
This sums it up, for me. You see, when you tell someone that you feel a certain configuration like a closed triad or a family style dynamic raises "lack of trust/insecurity/fear based controlling rules" red flags, they become defensive. I totally understand why a lot of people need these type of things and, as the author acknowledges, it is because "trust isn't solid enough" and I dont always think that it is always an unfounded lack of trust but it exists all the same. We all know the risks of getting involved with someone in one or more existing relationships that lack trust and the like, so I don't understand why there would be surprise that people are wary of poly networks where the are signs that a lack of trust exists.
The need for a "family dynamic" does NOT stem from a lack of trust. It usually stems from an existing life! Not everyone likes keeping their relationships separate from their family, as it takes away from their family. I find it sad that London make a point of putting people down who don't like or have the time and energy to keep all their relationships completely separate form each other. Must be nice to live London's life, where all partners can communicate extraordinarily effectively and have complete trust in each other in all aspects - they must have some special mind reading ability.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-11-2013, 06:26 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Raising red flags doesn't mean that it definitely exists, it means that there is a warning sign it might. But yeah, me and any partners I've had believe in trust unless proven otherwise.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-11-2013, 06:27 PM
northhome northhome is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Western Europe
Posts: 173
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Not everyone likes keeping their relationships separate from their family, as it takes away from their family.
Exactly. Personally I like the extended family model, and it works for us. Sort of.

Turns out that not all the children want the extended family, but that's another story.
__________________
Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.

- Tao Te Ching
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-11-2013, 06:36 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by northhome View Post
Exactly. Personally I like the extended family model, and it works for us. Sort of.

Turns out that not all the children want the extended family, but that's another story.
And honestly, the kid thing is another thing for me. I'm very aware that my lifestyle choices impact on my son and try to minimise that at all costs. I try to uphold the same standards for other people's kids as I do my own. Eg. I dont do dates coming round after bedtime and wouldn't go around to a guys house whilst his kid is in bed. It doesn't matter if it's a norm for him. It's just not something I endorse.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-11-2013, 09:29 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,267
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by northhome View Post
Exactly. Personally I like the extended family model, and it works for us. Sort of.

Turns out that not all the children want the extended family, but that's another story.
Not all of our children do either. of the 3 who are out of the house now, only one prefers that model. But that is A-ok. The other two have a lot less contact, primarily via fb.
But-the people who want to be involved more than peripherally know exactly where to find everyone.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-11-2013, 09:30 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,267
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dirtclustit View Post
Yes. Why do you ask? I did link it, in both places... Did the link not show up?
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-11-2013, 09:33 PM
northhome northhome is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Western Europe
Posts: 173
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
But - the people who want to be involved more than peripherally know exactly where to find everyone.
Good point. We don't hide who we are, but we don't push it either. We simply act as if it's "normal", and that in itself gives a level of security even to those who are not comfortable with the situation.

If nothing else, they know exactly where they have us (and who to call if need be).
__________________
Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.

- Tao Te Ching
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
attachment styles, family style, hub style, no rules, rules

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:41 AM.