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  #281  
Old 09-14-2010, 02:15 PM
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I'm in a big rush right now, but I wanted to tell you guys what a big deal these last few posts have been for me. Thank you for sharing, they're very important to me. I'll come back later and expand on that.
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  #282  
Old 09-14-2010, 08:59 PM
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I really do thank you all for this thread and your posts in it. It may take me a while, but I read and try to absorb as much information as possible. Hearing from Redpepper and Mono about their recent play helps me understand what can be expected. LR, I really, really need these posts that help me see what it can be like for a sub, because I still (shamefully) don't completely understand, and I have a need to at least understand even if I don't live the lifestyle.

So, now that the whirlwind that was going on in my life has subsided a bit, I'm taking a look at the things that had to be pushed to the back burner. One of these is D/s and getting more information on it. Redpepper, Mono, LR, your recent posts have been both helpfully informative and alarming for me.

First of all, the thing that has been holding us all back is Sunday's fear. We were all set to go to a local dungeon's meet 'n greet when Sunday had a complete breakdown and we haven't talked about it since. That was last November. I've been considering bringing the subject up with everyone again, BUT...Sunday had stated that he wouldn't be comfortable going to a meet 'n greet with Easy and I, and after reading these last posts I'm scared to send them alone. Out of all of us, Easy is the closest thing we have to a Dom. I don't want to send two subs alone to a BDSM club if they won't be safe. I mean, normally Asha looks out for Sunday, but what if that "something" switch flips and she's unable to watch out for the both of them? Okay, I know, they're big kids, but I'm going to push, hard, for Easy to go if I think it will make them safer. I'd like to go, too, but I think I might be in a place where I can let them go without me, if I'm careful. But, if this isn't going to be a safe thing, I'll just keep mum like everyone else is, you know? I welcome thoughts.

But, in the meantime, I joined the local support group's e-mail list--well, I'm waiting for approval, but I took all of the steps that are possible, for me to get it done.
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  #283  
Old 09-14-2010, 09:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post
I welcome thoughts.

.
I'm glad you found value in the posts Lemondrop. I can't relate to the social/community influences because I don't participate actively within that realm. Redpepper has a much deeper knowledge base in those areas.

BDSM is just a personal experience for me. If I was in a BDSM social setting without Redpepper (why I would be I have no idea) I would not act or be treated as submissive. The leash is off and I don't play that game so to speak. I submit to one person and one person only. Plain and simple.
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  #284  
Old 09-14-2010, 10:09 PM
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BDSM is just a personal experience for me. If I was in a BDSM social setting without Redpepper (why I would be I have no idea) I would not act or be treated as submissive. The leash is off and I don't play that game so to speak. I submit to one person and one person only. Plain and simple.
I don't get why people expect that if you are submissive to someone then you're automatically submissive to everyone. Same thing with being dominant...just because you enjoy the dynamic with one (or more) people doesn't mean that you feel the need to be the boss of everyone.

Along the same lines, if I don't know you then you aren't allowed to assume that you have any kind of rights or whatever with me. It's almost like going into a regular bar and assuming that you can just go and make out with whoever you like there. I just don't get it yet.
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  #285  
Old 09-15-2010, 01:10 AM
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Very interesting and helpful information for me. Actually, that makes me happy, because IF I found the lifestyle to my liking, I can NOT imagine being comfortable submitting to anyone but Easy. We chatted a bit about this today, but I had trouble (still) understanding the difference between being submissive and just being willing to do whatever your loved one tells you to do? I think I might be too close to the situation to see the big picture.

So, can you tell me what being a submissive means to you?
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  #286  
Old 09-15-2010, 02:16 AM
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I am very confused and frustrated. I've spent the evening surfing the internet, reading, trying to find a definition of submissive that would help me. It seems like everything I've found assumes that I *know* what a submissive is, but it's not as clear cut for me. For one thing, I thought that submissive meant that you had to allow yourself to be beaten/flogged/whipped, but I've seen a hint here and there of submissives who aren't into pain. They mention "service" but don't go into detail. So what is the difference between that and my relationship with Easy? Am I a submissive and just didn't realize it? I've not got a lot of experience in this field. Boyfriends before Easy were controlling and in some cases there were fairly harsh consequences if I disobeyed. Perhaps what I've been seeing as normal and what everyone else does is not actually so--it would not be the first time I found out that what I'd been calling mainstreaml was actually anything but. I know that if Easy tells me to do something, in the bedroom, I just do it. I rarely say no, unless it triggers me or is painful. (There's sexual abuse in my past, I worked really hard to be able to say no in the first place, and I won't give up that right. But Easy worked really hard to earn the trust that allows him unquestioning compliance in every other way.) Easy knows everything that I know will trigger me, and naturally avoids it, but he also pushes his limits, which I don't argue with. Afterward, we discuss what happened and whether either of us wants it to happen again. Easy has never repeated something that I said I didn't like. He's been quite distressed when I said that something frightened or triggered me. He's good at taking care of me. Even in regular life, if someone is standing too close to me or touching me and it sets off my fear response, Easy will come stand between us or touch me to calm me down.

I'm sorry to anyone who has a headache because of me. This is tough for me. I really want to understand. In a way, life would be easier for me if I really was into BDSM, so I'm a little worried that I'm looking for things that aren't really there. I don't like pain and I don't want to be whipped at all, and sometimes it triggers me. Some of the things I do with Easy used to trigger me and would now if I did them with someone I didn't trust.

Last edited by Lemondrop; 09-15-2010 at 02:18 AM.
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  #287  
Old 09-15-2010, 03:17 AM
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[QUOTE=MonoVCPHG;44431]
Quote:
I can't relate to the social/community influences because I don't participate actively within that realm.
DITTO!!!!

Quote:
BDSM is just a personal experience for me. If I was in a BDSM social setting without Redpepper (why I would be I have no idea) I would not act or be treated as submissive. The leash is off and I don't play that game so to speak. I submit to one person and one person only. Plain and simple.
Ditto! (Mon, are you stealing things from my mouth on purpose?
I'm Maca's sub, I'm not submissive to ANYONE else!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I don't get why people expect that if you are submissive to someone then you're automatically submissive to everyone. Same thing with being dominant...just because you enjoy the dynamic with one (or more) people doesn't mean that you feel the need to be the boss of everyone.
Me either. Boggles the mind. It's a BIG deal in our lives, because I am quite certainly NOT submissive to anyone but Maca and I don't foresee that EVER changing.
Furthermore, we have in our boundary list the agreement that he may not demand I be submissive to anyone else. It's not optional. I am not submissive to ANYONE else for ANY reason.

[QUOTE=Lemondrop;44455]
Quote:
For one thing, I thought that submissive meant that you had to allow yourself to be beaten/flogged/whipped, but I've seen a hint here and there of submissives who aren't into pain. They mention "service" but don't go into detail.
I'm one of those. Being submissive doesn't necessarily mean being beaten. It CAN mean that, but doesn't necessarily.
Being S/M involves beating/pain etc. I apologize that I can't tell you which is which (sadistic/masochistic, pain receiver/giver).
You CAN be D/s AND S/M, but you can also be S/M and NOT D/s or D/s and not S/M.



Quote:
So what is the difference between that and my relationship with Easy? Am I a submissive and just didn't realize it? I've not got a lot of experience in this field. Boyfriends before Easy were controlling and in some cases there were fairly harsh consequences if I disobeyed. Perhaps what I've been seeing as normal and what everyone else does is not actually so--it would not be the first time I found out that what I'd been calling mainstreaml was actually anything but. I know that if Easy tells me to do something, in the bedroom, I just do it. I rarely say no, unless it triggers me or is painful............ Easy knows everything that I know will trigger me, and naturally avoids it, but he also pushes his limits, which I don't argue with. Afterward, we discuss what happened and whether either of us wants it to happen again. Easy has never repeated something that I said I didn't like. He's been quite distressed when I said that something frightened or triggered me. He's good at taking care of me. Even in regular life, if someone is standing too close to me or touching me and it sets off my fear response, Easy will come stand between us or touch me to calm me down.
Maybe you are naturally submissive with Easy-that's not a big deal.
I have been naturally submissive with Maca. It doesn't HAVE to be labeled Lemondrop. If it is and that makes you happy, great. If it's not and that makes you happy, great. Either way is moot.

Quote:
I'm sorry to anyone who has a headache because of me.
No headache here!!!

Quote:
This is tough for me. I really want to understand. In a way, life would be easier for me if I really was into BDSM, so I'm a little worried that I'm looking for things that aren't really there. I don't like pain and I don't want to be whipped at all, and sometimes it triggers me. Some of the things I do with Easy used to trigger me and would now if I did them with someone I didn't trust.
Honey, BDSM is like Polyamory-YOU define what YOU are willing to accept as boundaries for your relationship, whether it's what your poly boundaries are or what your BDSM boundaries are.

As a submissive I make the rules of what I will or will not include in my D/s relationship. www.leathernroses.com has a lot of good articles-including information on some of the different POSSIBLE things that are or are not included in boundaries.
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  #288  
Old 09-15-2010, 03:53 AM
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Hey Lemondrop, no headache here either and we can be confused together. Go easy on yourself, let the journey take you where it will. I'm starting to realize that BDSM isn't that different from any other kind of sexual relationship in that it's all about what works for the people involved and there isn't any kind of mystery or solid rules about it (although it sure would be easier in both cases if there were).

-Derby

PS Now I just have the task of figuring out what works for me LOL
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  #289  
Old 09-15-2010, 03:56 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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PS Now I just have the task of figuring out what works for me LOL
Hahahahaha,
that's a "work in progress" Once you think you have it all figured out-you'll find it's changed!
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  #290  
Old 09-15-2010, 03:57 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Hahahahaha,
that's a "work in progress" Once you think you have it all figured out-you'll find it's changed!
pft well you're no help at all are you?!?!
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