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  #1  
Old 01-11-2016, 09:48 PM
curiousjanet curiousjanet is offline
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Default Casual three some but I want poly relationship

Me and my husband have been married for 7 years, together 10. We have discussed polyamory, open marriage, etc. He decided he was not comfortable with all of that and suggested a three some. Well we tried the other night. Met his buddy at a bar. I had so much fun being able to be all over this guy who I've wanted to sleep with since I first met him. I can't sleep with anyone I don't have chemistry with. Anyway to start with me, the husband, and the friend were in the backseat of our car while our other friend drove home. The friend was snuggling up to me and kissing on my neck and so was husband. After driver took himself home me and friend were in the backseat while husband drove to location. While it was just me and friend in the back it was perfect. We snuggled and kissed and talked and stuff When it came down to it the friend got uncomfortable with husband being involved and he just played with my boobs and rubbed my back (seriously massaged my back while I was on top of my husband) and stuff while hubby did the deed. Anyway this entire scenario really proved to me that I want polyamory. I wasn't even mad or upset that things didn't work out. And my favorite thing was the conversation in the backseat where I found out friend is a person who can only sleep with people he has chemistry with and actually feels a little guilty for having chemistry with me. Friend wants to try again and husband is okay with it even though he seen the chemistry and emotions between us. I know if I bring up emotions husband will be mad. If I don't bring up emotions I'm worried it may be some sort of betrayal. I want poly and husband knows this so what did he think would happen. He said he doesn't want it to be with just friend, he wants a mff and for me to find other guys for mfm too. I just told him there's not any other guys I have chemistry with right now and he's okay with that. Problem is I want more. I want to be able to text and talk to friend without him present. I'm fine with sex only if he's involved because I'm more of an emotional person. I have a feeling these thoughts are going down the wrong rode but I don't know what to do. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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  #2  
Old 01-11-2016, 10:37 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Sounds like your husband just wants the excitement of threesome sex. If you aren't on board with that, you don't have to be. Polyamory isn't only--if at all--about threesomes, it's about having a loving relationship with more than one person. For some, sex isn't involved at all. For many for whom sex is involved, it's solely one-on-one sex, just not always with the same partner.

You also say your husband wants MFF. I didn't notice if you said in your post; are you bisexual? Or is your husband just expecting you to play with a woman because he wants you to? FMF is also a thing; I had two threesomes with a married couple several years ago, and the wife and I never touched each other.
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  #3  
Old 01-11-2016, 10:43 PM
curiousjanet curiousjanet is offline
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I haven't been with a woman since I've been with my husband. I still find them very attractive I was just always more about one on one. I still am but I kinda decided to compromise to be able to spend time with the guy I like. I know it's bad but it's the truth. I'm hoping that maybe husband will agree to be more open but honestly it will probably just lead to problems.
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Old 01-12-2016, 12:09 AM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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This is just my opinion... but to me, if you're having threesomes just so you can be with the person you're interested in, that isn't really fair to any of you. You're settling for something that isn't your preference; your husband is getting an inaccurate idea of what you're okay with since you're going along with him; and the other guy has to deal with having your husband in the room if he wants to have sex with you.

It's a recipe for hurt feelings, anger, resentment, and possibly the end of a friendship and/or marriage.
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  #5  
Old 01-12-2016, 01:20 AM
curiousjanet curiousjanet is offline
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I know you are right. I have become interested in the threesome idea but I can't do random or casual. And random and casual is what my husband wants. I'm just going to have to talk to him and tell him how I really feel. I knew what I needed to do, guess I was just hoping there was another option.
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  #6  
Old 01-12-2016, 09:51 AM
tenK tenK is offline
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If your husband still wants random and casual threesome sex, he could always look for other couples who are looking for a guy to join them. Sure, statistically there are more MF couples out there, so he has more chance of being invited to an MFM situation, but my gf and I are both bi and have occasionally sought out a guy to join us. It might be rare, but it's something to consider. You shouldn't feel under pressure to have three way sex just to fulfil his fantasies or 'buy' his willingness/compliance to fulfil your desires. If you both see each other as the autonomous beings you are, and both take responsibility for satisfying your own sexual wants, then it's totally possible to accommodate both of your different yearnings and remain happily married.
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People tenK (bi, f, early 30's) is likely to blabber on about, and why:

Nina (bi, f, late 20's) <- life-partners with tenK; Scandi (hetero, m, early 30's) <- dating/fwb with tenK (on hiatus at the moment); Zymurgist (hetero, m, early 30's) <- dating with tenK; Aries (heteroflex, m, late 40's) <- fwb with tenK and Nina;

Adam (bi, m, early 30's) <- dating/fwb with Nina
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  #7  
Old 01-12-2016, 02:20 PM
curiousjanet curiousjanet is offline
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The problem is I would be okay with him doing that but he wouldn't be okay with what I want. I had an emotional affair (strictly online) a few years ago. Now he can't handle emotional involvement. He also has to know every detail about everything so if I were to date someone he would want to know every detail of every conversation and everything. When I do tell him everything he still thinks I left something out. Found out that detail when he gave me a hall pass and I used it. Think that's why he's okay with threesomes but not what I want, he's worried he won't know everything. When he busted the emotional affair I told him everything but he still thought I was leaving out details because there was some things I didn't remember. Some people can do poly and/open marriage but he's not one of them.
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  #8  
Old 01-12-2016, 02:46 PM
tenK tenK is offline
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If that's the case, then I think you've found your answer. If he's not willing to entertain the idea, then continuing down the threesome route is just setting you (and possibly the people you meet) up for heartbreak. It's time to decide if you can be happy monogamously attached to him, sexually and emotionally, or not.

It's a shame, but I think pushing him is not the way. He has to want to try to get over his insecurities, or to see himself as separate from you enough to recognise that you forming attachments to others is no threat to your relationship even if the reverse (him forming attachments to others) might be. The online affair won't have helped any, but at the same time, I would resist putting all of his attitudes down to that. Some people are genuinely better suited to monogamy, and even if trust between the two of you were rock solid, his feelings might be no different. He's been as clear as he can be - he needs you to be emotionally attached to him only, and is only secure with allowing you to have sex with others in his direct presence. You now need to be clear to him about whether that's enough for you, or if you need the freedom to form those deep emotional attachments and/or have the one-on-one sexual connections you crave.
__________________
People tenK (bi, f, early 30's) is likely to blabber on about, and why:

Nina (bi, f, late 20's) <- life-partners with tenK; Scandi (hetero, m, early 30's) <- dating/fwb with tenK (on hiatus at the moment); Zymurgist (hetero, m, early 30's) <- dating with tenK; Aries (heteroflex, m, late 40's) <- fwb with tenK and Nina;

Adam (bi, m, early 30's) <- dating/fwb with Nina
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  #9  
Old 01-12-2016, 03:45 PM
curiousjanet curiousjanet is offline
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Thanks for your input. I know you are right. I have some serious thinking to do. I can't imagine my life without him, yet ironically I can't imagine life with just him. Most wouldn't understand that but I'm sure some here will. I need to evaluate everything and have a serious conversation with the husband.
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  #10  
Old 01-12-2016, 04:22 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by curiousjanet View Post
Thanks for your input. I know you are right. I have some serious thinking to do. I can't imagine my life without him, yet ironically I can't imagine life with just him. Most wouldn't understand that but I'm sure some here will. I need to evaluate everything and have a serious conversation with the husband.
I think a lot of people here do understand. Good luck to you.
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