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  #11  
Old 12-03-2011, 06:47 PM
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In my personal experience if there had not been an affair in our mono relationship we never would have stepped over into poly. Our problem was 1) we were not ready for it (poly) as a couple 2) we always had communication issues 3) because of said affair there were trust issues 4) after stepping over into poly more underlying issues came up. Now, with all of that being said, i do not blame being poly as the reason my marriage ended. It was already well on its way to being over. However, i do believe that poly was what gave it the final push.

Now, yes, I am still poly. My x, I don't know if he is still trying poly or not nor do i care. I have become a better person with more understanding and patience. I like who i am becoming and i love where i am. Taking the step into poly has been and still is good for me.
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  #12  
Old 12-03-2011, 09:46 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I wonder if trying ethical non-monogamy (I wouldn't call it poly exactly) hastened the end of our relationship. It didn't cause Beloved and I break up though.
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  #13  
Old 12-05-2011, 03:16 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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As I already stated this question sprung to mind after reading carma's blog and thread by poobah stating "it" was over....(not his marriage but his poly involvement). With two sides to every coin and issue its likely that you'll find disagreements on root causes associated with the assigning blame.

Opalescent, how does beloved view the break up? I don't know anything of your story so forgive me.

PolyFiTri, sorry I don't know your history either but it sound like there is some similarities with carma's story. Sorry it didn't work out.

Mindful, What I was suggesting was the fault lie in the decision to try monogamy. Knowing the history and character and patterns of the individuals prior to the decision.
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  #14  
Old 12-05-2011, 10:34 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Opalescent, how does beloved view the break up? I don't know anything of your story so forgive me.
Dinged,

I answered solely from my perspective. From my perspective, we broke up because of not communicating well on sexual issues, because of weakening in our connection caused by physical distance, and because we are very, very different people and that, suddenly (for me), became a problem and not a strength.

I have a blog here, called Postmortem, that blathers on about some of this stuff a bit more, if you are so inclined.

But Beloved almost certainly has a very different perspective on non-monogamy and why we broke up. I will ask her.

My dating men really bothered her. I thought she didn't like the men I was seeing but she told me in our breakup conversation that the whole thing -not just who I was seeing - really bothered her. Unfortunately she didn't tell me this months before, when we decided to try non-monogamy, when I talked to her about seeing SW (I didn't do anything before talking it over with her) and so on. I don't know why she didn't tell me. This is something that bothers me to this day. If I had the information I have now, I might have made different choices. It might not have saved our relationship - our problems really were internal and not based on outside people - but I wonder.
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  #15  
Old 12-06-2011, 05:54 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Opal,

I did go back a read up on your history, got a wonderful education on fisting...ill hold my questions on that til later... very sorry things didn't work out.. by the way.
She was sort of poly all along right? 10 yrs before you met. You said decades. And was your decision to date after she left town? How much effort did you put in to find a job out there? When there's a will there's way type thing.

Maybe it did really bother her but because she moved across the country to follow her dream she felt she couldn't say anything .....oh ya she had a guy too ...the hypocrisy might have been another factor.

In my own situation my wife blames her decision to push this as the beginning of the end. (if you can rally believe that or it's someone saying what they think you want to hear) I can see the logic behind that and perhaps its true ...but I would blame her mental health or things much further back. I blame myself for the candidate/ partner selection process.. clearly failed, I blame myself for NOT listening to my gut. And add half dozen more to round things off.


Edit: the problem with mentioning fisting in a thread is you know who will come running ... hint ...starts with S and rhymes with Earl. Wink

Last edited by dingedheart; 12-06-2011 at 06:07 PM.
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  #16  
Old 12-06-2011, 06:50 PM
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Huh ? What ? Did somebody say fisting ?


dinged ? --> ..l..

That`s a fist, with a middle finger, telling you you`re # 1 !


Back on topic :

If poly is something that cannot be 'blamed' directly, only indirectly, then does that settle the battle on polyamory being a 'choice' vs orientation ?

....Something to think about.
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  #17  
Old 12-06-2011, 09:22 PM
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Can I get a link to Carna's story/post?

I don't post much in the way of my story because its rather long and quite complicated and I'm not sure where to start with it.
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  #18  
Old 12-06-2011, 09:56 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Is poly to blame?

Our marriage almost disintigrated when he was involved with someone else.

For years and years and years, he'd do something slightly disrespectful, I'd not like it, and in order to keep the peace (because we loved each other and really those small transgressions were not worth the trouble of a fight - for 11 years we'd only had a handful of "fights") i would let it slide.

And then he started seeing someone.

And she'd do something disrespectful. And he would blow it off. I felt disrespected by HER and then by HIM, and I stopped letting things slide. In the space of 6 months, we went from 11 years of not fighting (except that handful) to fighting every other DAY.

Was poly to blame? No, not really - it was simply the catalyst that forced us to re-examine how we interacted with each other. In the end, we stayed together, and we are stronger and more stable than we've ever been (the word divorce hasn't been mentioned in over a year... YAY US!) and if it wasn't for "poly" we wouldn't have the level of communication and trust we have.

So is poly to blame? LOL... yes and no
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  #19  
Old 12-06-2011, 10:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyFiTri View Post
Can I get a link to Carna's story/post?

I don't post much in the way of my story because its rather long and quite complicated and I'm not sure where to start with it.
Check the Life stories and blogs forum, she has a couple of threads there. Or do a search for her username. You can click on a member's profile to see all of their threads.
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  #20  
Old 12-07-2011, 06:56 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Sourgirl

well ,well well, what a surprise.....nice of you to flip in. Your creativity is amazing ...don't thing I've ever been flipped off in writing...another first. God you made me laugh.

The answer to your question is ...No

And you now owe me 27.50 cash ...USD

Polyfi...it could be a typo...but you had Carna its Carma, just wanted your search to work and be the right person.

MBG,
It seems those who make it through and are successful are like war buddies or survivors of some tragic event. My dad was in WWII and got together with guys in his unit ...(NJ to California) til the last one died all in their 80's so bonding like that might occur. I guess that's different thread topic but it goes to the idea of giving poly the credit for a great relationship and being on the benefit side of things.

And whatever happened with your sound problems????Speaking of that Cindie did you use the duct tape on the neighbors mouth?
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