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  #11  
Old 04-27-2009, 01:52 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I would love to have what you folks have. My husband is open to me seeing other people, but the "other guy" is mono-minded and freaked out by the whole thing.
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  #12  
Old 04-27-2009, 03:24 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Ygirl,

I am truly sorry for the difficulties you are having in forming this relationship. It is important to note that, beyond the "internal" fears I focussed on in my post, there are also "external" factors that may play a part. I do not presume to know the social circle of you or the guy involved so this is from my experience with the personalities I know in my social environment. I am military so things can be a bit rough.

My love for my incredible partner/girlfriend/Lover makes the external factors completely unimportant to me. That being said, there is the issue of how he feels his friends may view the relationship; this is the egotistical or macho angle.

A lot of guys will judge me for having a lover that has sex with other men. They will think that I am being used, that I am less of a "man" that can't satisfy her sexually or quite simply will reduce polyamory to being a slut. People that know me would not voice the word "slut" however. I have a protective streak towards everyone I love in all ways.

Again, I have to reiterate that this is a reality in my social/work environment but does not reflect the close-mindedness of all of them. It is however,a real and very powerful pressure. Social pressure and the disapproval of peers carries a lot of weight unless the relationship is so rewarding that it renders them impotent which in my case it does. I am extremely proud of my Lover and her incredible heart.

Maybe you should have him read my posts just so he can see this from my perspective. Trust me, if he is not completely into this relationship he will be torn apart by it, possibly without you ever knowing. I am no expert but my opinions are based on experience, real and felt.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you find what we have. I don't mean a mono/poly relationship as I sometimes think I am too much work for my partner and she deserves someone like minded who could let her explore without fear. What I mean is a relationship that feels as though it never had a beginning and will have no end. I love her dearly, she is my best friend, my most intense of lovers and I will cherish every moment of our adventure together with her family.

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 04-27-2009 at 06:46 PM.
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  #13  
Old 04-27-2009, 05:17 PM
CDarklock CDarklock is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
In regards to the gentleman with the two ladies in the same room that you don't know what to do with? hmmm.... they seem a tad selfish if they are unable to give you space and have compersion for the other.
That's not even remotely the issue. If you live with two partners, you will inevitably end up all being in the same room just in the course of your natural lives. When this happens, there's a problem with undirected affectionate feelings - if I have a romantic impulse, and it's not specific to either partner, there's a decision to be made about where and how to express it.

That decision is not simple, because neither partner can tell that the impulse is undirected. They don't know what I'm feeling... only what I do in response to those feelings.
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  #14  
Old 04-28-2009, 07:54 AM
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interesting thought. I certainly have felt a romantic impulse and thought about how best to go about expressing it. I guess I was assuming that this was a brief thing and that they weren't all living together but on occasion find themselves all in the same room. Again, not enough info.
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  #15  
Old 04-28-2009, 03:04 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Ygirl,

I am truly sorry for the difficulties you are having in forming this relationship. It is important to note that, beyond the "internal" fears I focussed on in my post, there are also "external" factors that may play a part. I do not presume to know the social circle of you or the guy involved so this is from my experience with the personalities I know in my social environment. I am military so things can be a bit rough.


Maybe you should have him read my posts just so he can see this from my perspective. Trust me, if he is not completely into this relationship he will be torn apart by it, possibly without you ever knowing. I am no expert but my opinions are based on experience, real and felt.
Thank you for your message. We are both about as non-military in our social circles as you could possibly get (myself probably more so).

I've chosen to back off and work on my own self, and let him come to me at his own pace. The only thing I regret is not having kept in touch with him throughout the past 20 years, and there's no way to change that now. I'm not sure if reading the messages on this forum would help, but if it ever appears to me that he WANTS to do so, I will certainly show them to him.

I'm reading the Ravenscroft book now (Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless & Hopeful). It's very easy to read despite the reviews. One can open it up to any page at random and engage... The only thing I dislike about it is the small print. This book is useful for ANY type of relationship or figuring out what it is that makes yourself tick.
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  #16  
Old 04-28-2009, 03:40 PM
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Sincerely best of luck in your journey, Ygirl. Honestly, I hope you find a like minded partner. Us monogamous guys are a lot of work..just ask Redpepper!! She loves me like crazy though..but not as much as i love her..just kidding
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  #17  
Old 04-29-2009, 05:44 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Honestly, I always thought of myself as devoutly monogamous, too. I've never had a relationship where I felt the need to look outside for fulfillment. I've been married to the same man for nearly 19 years. And I certainly didn't look for polyamory, ever. I am happy in my marriage. I love my husband deeply, passionately, whole-heartedly. Our sex life is wonderful.

I'm still struggling to understand how I ended up in a polyamorous relationship. I was *so grounded* in being monogamous. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I thought in absolutes, too, and I was very, very monogamous. But falling in love happened to me anyway, and I don't think it's taken away from any of my relationships. I think it's made my marriage better in ways I hadn't even dreamed of. I'm not saying you don't know yourself, just that sometimes you'd be surprised.
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  #18  
Old 04-29-2009, 06:25 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Trust me; I understand how loving more than one person doesn't have to take away from another relationship. My relationship with Redpepper and her husband is based on that. I think it is wonderful really..painful and difficult at times but incredibly fulfilling.

There is no intention for judgement in any of my posts. I have no desire to debate love styles or predict the future I just want to share.

I and Redpepper just talked about the scenario you described last night. Is your husband polyamorous too? I am always in awe of partners in established monogamous relationships that can cope with even the suggestion that their partner wants someone else intimately. I was very clear with her in stating that given a relationship based on monogamist expectations towards intimacy..like my own 16 year marriage...if my wife had mentioned she wanted a relationship with another man I would have left..no questions asked, no options. I covered that extensively in another post.

Even now after all I have learned, if somehow I were to end up in a monogamist based relationship and my lover made the same request, I would be gone. The difference is, I entered into my polyamorous relationship with Redpepper with a full understanding of it's basis. I love her with all my heart and she has just as much love for me. I love her ability to love without limits and am blessed by her in my life.
Thank you for your comment and I am glad you are bringing so much love into your life

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 04-29-2009 at 06:30 PM.
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  #19  
Old 04-29-2009, 07:02 PM
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To the best of my knowledge, my husband was not polyamorous. I've asked him a few times over the course of our marriage whether he was interested in finding other women, but I confess that I made it clear that the choice was only available after he divorced me. I was emphatic that I was monogamous and expected the same of any person I was involved with. I am not the best polyamorous candidate ever. Again, I am stunned that I'm standing where I am today.

To be fair, no one said, "I want someone else." To me, it was presented as, "Hey, I love you. We love you. We love you both. We want you in our lives permanently in whatever way possible." I don't know if my husband was seeking this--he assures me that he wasn't, and will only do what I'm willing to do--but I think it happened in the only way I would have been open to--friendship first, followed by growing feelings of love. No one pushed me for anything intimate. And, of course, no one even implied that I wasn't enough for them. Everyone involved went out of their way to be sure that I felt like they were desirous of me. It's quite heady to feel like three people are pursuing you! There have been a few times when I was quite jealous of my husband's relationship with our other female partner--not intimate, though, just the time they spent together--and felt that perhaps he would be happier with her. But I've always profited from their time together, because she has helped him understand my needs better and helped us improve our communication.

I think that I would have been like you, that if my husband had come to me and said, "Honey, I'm interested in seeing another woman" I would have come unglued. I can't think of any scenario that would have kept me from crying and screaming and throwing things at him. Even if I had eventually said yes, I would have resented him for not finding what he needed in me. It would have been the death of our relationship, even if we stayed married. This is definitely a case of right time, right place, right people.

I have to run out the door, but I'm enjoying this discussion.
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  #20  
Old 04-29-2009, 07:33 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Hi Lemondrop. I will quote a bit of your other post first.

"I was upset and uncomfortable.
But what happened the FIRST TIME we all got together as a group? I got left out. I WANT to believe that everyone loves me and this won't keep happening. But what has happened is I feel like 1) I'm not important. 2) My husband is into this and I can't do it for him. Worse, he didn't even bring his appetite to me afterwards, so he is eventually going to realize that he isn't interested in me. 3) I'm always going to take second fiddle to Wife#2. 4) Because this was all done unintentionally, this is what they REALLY want and they just don't realize it yet."

This comment has caused me a lot of pain and a degree of anger. I must admit there are others much more experienced in this situation. I am pulling away for a bit to see if I have anything to offer as well as if I can approach it objectively.

I have an amazing polyamorous relationship and it is very difficult for me to think of the pain some people on here are going through..I am so grateful to Redpepper and her husband..I am very, very lucky..and sad that others are struggling. This is not easy and I feel the things you do at times but this is so worth it when everyone communicates 100% honestly and identifies what they need and want.

I am so in love with Redpepper I could bust and would feel guilty if I didn't know she loved her husband just as much. She does..it is on her face and in her eyes when she looks at him..I love seeing them together. They are sacred to me which is why this works so well for me and fills us with happiness.

I hope you are getting the support you need.

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 04-29-2009 at 07:59 PM.
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