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  #61  
Old 03-20-2011, 04:19 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Default ok, so it's hard sometimes

Recently I have felt my strength in all of this sapped at times. My indomitable resolve to be secure in my feelings and actions regardless of how hard it is to navigate two very intense and monumental loves in my life has been tested.

I have really started to feel the weight of not really having anyone to talk to who can identify with my position as the life love of two incredible men with whom I want everything with. I have this forum, and the wonderful people whom I know will listen and offer help, but I admit that it is hard to lay everything out knowing that both of my loves will be reading- I really desire an objective discussion with someone who can identify with what I'm going through who is not directly involved and has understanding of poly through personal experience.

The friends that I have shared the circumstances of my life with have been accepting, but are far from being able to offer perspective, as they have zero experience with this lovestyle, and I have rarely gotten beyond the point of just explaining what the hell it is I'm up to. I don't know any poly people other than ourselves personally.

For my own sanity and to get the only help I know is there for me, I'm going to go ahead and say fuck it, and share my thoughts with you all without fear of being misread by my loves or making them feel exposed, which is something I worry about, and has kept me from posting anything too difficult on this forum.

Five months into my romantic relationship with Charlie, the bond I share with him has exceeded all three of our expectations of what it would look like in practice. I knew and loved the man for years, and Catfish knew of my feelings, but living this love with Charlie has proved immeasurably more intense for all of us than I could have imagined.

In my mind, there is no hierarchy. The relationships are very different, hold different history, and are at different stages, but the love I feel for each of them is equally powerful. This is so hard for Catfish to accept. He was not prepared to face Charlie and I loving one another so deeply.

The two of them are in close communication, have formed a deep and beautiful bond, and Catfish continually works on his jealousy and everything that comes up with it, which is all incredibly admirable and growth-producing for us all. Still, despite the fact that we are all "doing it right", there is a disconnect between Catfish and I that is very painful for both of us. At the root of this disconnect is the reality that our identities as married folks, being "the one" for each other is obviously not the case anymore.

There was something we said to each other when we embarked on exploring poly that has turned out to be false, and I feel it is at the core of the disconnect. It was this: "No matter what, you always win." I can't even think like that anymore, and I know Catfish feels betrayed by the loss of this assurance. His identity as the only one who takes care of me, is always there for me, will always fight for my love has been dismantled. The fact that I accept and glory in this level of commitment and love from Charlie does not compute with his concept of our relationship or his concept of himself and his place in my heart.

Try as I might to assure him that our love is just as precious to me, and even moreso as I am feed to pursue my love for Charlie, I don't think he really believes me. Deep down I know he is expecting an ultimate choice to be made by me between the two of them, and feels like my love for Charlie will overpower my love for him. It keeps him at a distance from me because aware or not, he is preparing to lose me, or at the very least to have to accept a diminished love with me.

I won't choose, and I think we can all win in this. I can't choose, and from the first inkling years ago that my feelings for Charlie went straight to the bottom of my soul, I have not had the ability or the desire to choose. My love for them is, and grows, and intensifies, regardless of anything. That will always be true even if they both leave me and I have to face the world without them.

It is very hard to watch my Catfish suffer in all of this. I know that with a different woman, his life could be much more simple, straightforward, and easier to navigate. I see him struggle to his depths, and know that I am the cause of his struggle, even as I know it is him that has made the choice to love me all the way through every part of the pain and the pleasure. I have no guilt for loving Charlie, but I do feel helpless sometimes when Catfish is in pain because of it.

In my infinite love and respect for Catfish, I treat him as the strong and capable man that I know he is. I have seen my attitude of respect for his ability to deal with the reality of our lives as they have come to change make him feel abandoned.

Sometimes I fail to be compassionate or to support him how he needs me to because my belief in his strength and the strength of our love is so strong that I refuse to try and manipulate his journey through this in any way. I want his decision to choose to be with me every day, as he has for almost seven years, to be completely his own. This can make him feel like I have left him in the cold. For both of us, it is frustrating to cross that divide. In the past we have been co-dependent, unhealthy in our concept of ourselves and our place in the world in relation to one another. We are both going in the same direction, toward freedom, self-fulfillment and toward a deepening of our love, but we try to get there in different ways sometimes, and it hurts.

Most days it is all I can do to navigate the moment I am in. I trust that this path that the three of us are on will lead to ever more beautiful places for us each individually and in our relationships with one another. I know that there is truth in all of it. When I try to think about what our lives will be in six months or a year, my mind gets twisted. If Catfish and I cannot get right with one another and find joy in our growth together, I really don't know what will happen. What I do know is that we love each other and always will, and that we will both keep working and not give up.

With Charlie, even though we are just at the beginning of this incarnation of our relationship, I know the same is true. We are connected in ways I have never experienced, and we grow in our love every day. I will never be sorry for that or give up on him.

What will it look like and where are we going from here? My place is sure, and my feelings are unchangeable. I will love and accept them both for who they are and what they want from their lives as I continue to explore my own spirit and be open to grow as I learn more about myself and the world.

Thanks for listening,
-R
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  #62  
Old 03-20-2011, 05:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Rarechild View Post
.... Still, despite the fact that we are all "doing it right", there is a disconnect between Catfish and I that is very painful for both of us. At the root of this disconnect is the reality that our identities as married folks, being "the one" for each other is obviously not the case anymore.
Sometimes I address my very dear friend in England as "Dearest". He and I have never even met face to face, and our relationship has many challenges rooted in text being its main interface, but there is no doubt that he is among my Dearest. ... Well, I've started two letters (email) to him this way... "Dearest,". Both times I explained what I meant. But I won't do that in the future. He knows what I mean, now.

The -est implies topmost, best, most. And I think it was the poet in me that wanted to re-appropriate the term. I wanted to engage in a little serious play, some word magic.

I know in my heart that I can have several, multiple Dearests. Moreso, I think now that there's something sad and perverse in the notion that we can have but one Dearest. And I also know that I need not have a sexual / romantic relationship with someone in order for them to qualify as among my Dearest. Dearest means great affection, great love, joy in the presence of the other... which knows no bounds, which is unlimited, wide, spacious, breathing, open. I would wither with but one such. And the magic goes like this: The more Dearests I have, the more love I have to share.

It isn't so with time, however, and that's a good argument for keeping one's circle of Dearests smallish. But my work requires me to travel in very dark and lonesome places, and I just won't have the energy without the inspiration of great love and joy. My Dearests fortify my dangerous, dark dives--which I must do. It's what I am.

And what better moment, then, to thank you, Rarechild, for offering your gift of courage and honesty and spirit ... here, to us. We all need inspiration!

Happy diving, folks!
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  #63  
Old 03-21-2011, 10:55 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Originally Posted by Rarechild View Post
Five months into my romantic relationship with Charlie, the bond I share with him has exceeded all three of our expectations of what it would look like in practice. I knew and loved the man for years, and Catfish knew of my feelings, but living this love with Charlie has proved immeasurably more intense for all of us than I could have imagined.

-R
Yes - I think that's the bit of it all that is pretty much unimaginable, I don't think one could prepare for that part - Surely it would be something that would take us all by surprise...no matter how well prepared....

Love is surprising. Fullstop.

I don't have any pearls of wisdom, other than feel everything you feel.
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  #64  
Old 03-22-2011, 03:45 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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No pearls of wisdom from me either although I relate to all of what you are saying. I remember all of it only too well. All I can say is that it all gets better in time and you are only 5 months in. I suspect it seems like forever and that things have always been this way, but they haven't and it hasn't been very long in the grand scheme of your life. Hopefully that is. Give it a chance and keep at it... it all takes practice and getting used to... at some point you might just remember feeling this way and wonder when it changed because you don't any more.

*hugs*
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  #65  
Old 03-22-2011, 06:00 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Default Thank you

Thank you for the responses. Just getting my thoughts down and discussing them with my lovelies has helped me feel more like I'm standing on solid ground.

I appreciate the non-judgemental empathy that I always get from forum friends when I lay out my heart here.

At the same time I was writing the above, Catfish was writing this in another part of the house. We had an excellent conversation after reading each other's posts and it helped us to really connect that day.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed trying to be sensitive to everything that is going on with myself and my men, and I focus in on the trouble spots instead of being thankful that there is so much love and wonder in my life.

I don't know why I'm always so surprised that when I communicate and unburden my soul to the ones that love me, we glow anew in the sharing.

More layers of bravery and blessings all the time.

-R
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  #66  
Old 03-23-2011, 10:06 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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I'd also seen CF's post.

I was so humbled, I'd not had the strength or wisdom to comment....I probably still don't, but

Beautiful..
Lovely..
Pure..
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  #67  
Old 04-30-2011, 06:30 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Default Happy Day to me

I am taking a break from energetically cleaning the house. Tonight is my graduation party and tomorrow is my graduation. I was not supposed to find out about the party but am evil and did anyway.

After a beautiful morning with Catfish, who scurried off to do secret things, I went to town spring cleaning and then Charlie showed up. We got a moment to sit on the porch and have a cup of coffee before my beautiful friend Dooley stopped by and gave me some great hugs. Catfish called Charlie off to help him with the secret things, and I am at home blasting music, being industrious, and enjoying being myself. I am such a blessed woman.

My family, my friends are all conspiring to make me smile. It's fucking working.

I am so excited for tonight (much more than for graduation) and am basking in a feeling of everything being right with the world.

THANK YOU, UNIVERSE

-R
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I love Catfish and Charlie.
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  #68  
Old 05-12-2011, 07:20 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Default Hullo

Just feel like saying hello today. Hi poly people! Since I am not on the computer doing homework every night, some days I don't get online at all. That has been refreshing. I got to spend a night at the retreat center I go to on Mother's Day, after being out till 4 at a bachelorette party and the visiting my Mum.

I took off of work early to get some time to finish a chandelier made from a bicycle wheel that I will hang in a barn in the morning for the wedding reception of two dear friends. Rehearsal dinner tomorrow night, wedding on Sat. and then the reception, which will be an all night camping party.

On Sunday I'm off to visit Charlie in the morning. Haven't seen him since graduation two weeks ago, and I miss him something terrible. He is having tooth trouble and is miserable with the pain, and I wish I could go take care of him right now.

All is well on the construction site- we are doing a special build and the house is going up like the blazes. Excellent volunteers, great weather, lots of progress.

It's been eleven days since us three quit smoking, and it has been tough. We have been bumming a bit, but trying to be kind to ourselves and forgive our bodies for caving in to the crave from time to time- we have all been smoking for many years and of course it's going to be difficult. I'm not giving up. This is the time for me that will be the last time I have to go through this and I am looking forward to all of the benefits of being completely free of the beast.

We have already saved lots of money between us, and gotten through some tough moments without smoking. I figure that we are doing incredibly well; from a pack a day to a few here and there is huge. I'm starting to be comfortable with coping without cigarettes, and have really gained a new appreciation for people who do not use them as I have for so long; to get away from tough emotional situations, to ramp myself up for the day, to reward myself for things, etc.

Lots going on, lots of forward movement, and so much love in my life. My best friend from NY called yesterday to start planning a visit to Michigan this summer for two weeks. I have missed him and have not been talking to him very much these last six months or so since Charlie came back. I am glad he is the kind of friend who understands things like that and can pick up with me right where we left off. We will always stay in touch, always visit, but I think we have stopped leaning on one another like we used to. I feel like that is really healthy growth for us.

Off to finish my creation.

-R
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"Rocks will open and make a way for the lover."
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I love Catfish and Charlie.

Last edited by Rarechild; 05-12-2011 at 07:26 PM.
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  #69  
Old 06-20-2011, 09:08 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Default Zealotry meets Jealously

It has been brought to my attention that I am a bulldozer.

Today I have let this word, zealotry, wash over me and show me where I have been wrong in enormous ways.

I have asked for things that I have not given.

I have given things that I have not asked for from myself.

It is clear to me that I am loved despite my failings.

After a time of complete conviction without granting myself apology or need,

I am sorry, and I do need some things, actually.

I am sorry for my righteous indignation.

I need my love to be safe to share.

I have responded to the precious details of life as if I had to defend the core of myself against them, when I was just being asked for a hug and some understanding.

There is no doubt that I belong with the two incredible people that share in my life to a degree that is wild fucking frontier to all of us. I trust them. I trust us all to come around when we are lost, with help.

Grateful,
-R

P.S. After much complaining about how my words were taken because I was a mod on the forum, I have finally shut up and demoted myself. Thank you to II, Neon, RP, AT, and River for the private counsel in the meantime.
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~Hazrat Inayat Khan


I love Catfish and Charlie.

Last edited by Rarechild; 06-20-2011 at 09:22 PM.
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  #70  
Old 06-20-2011, 09:44 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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