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  #51  
Old 01-14-2011, 01:39 AM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Default The next day

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My life has become so that I canít even imagine what will happen the next day.
The correct answer is: Charlie and I would get t-boned by a pickup truck going 50mph. The truck carried a very nice man and his teenage daughter. It was my fault, my mistake. All four of us got up out of our totaled cars intact. Charlie stayed with us until Monday morning(4 nights when we had planned one), and we three are rocked,- but oh, so very alive.
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  #52  
Old 01-14-2011, 02:55 AM
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The correct answer is: Charlie and I would get t-boned by a pickup truck going 50mph.
Charlie mentioned this somewhere. So glad to hear you guys are all right. However, please pardon my ignorance: what does getting "T-boned" mean?
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  #53  
Old 01-14-2011, 03:43 AM
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Default "T-boned" : verb, past tense

Parlance of the times, when one vehicle hits another perpendicular to its path of travel.
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  #54  
Old 01-16-2011, 12:23 AM
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Alive and intact is good. *hugs*
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  #55  
Old 01-31-2011, 04:44 PM
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Default My Family

We've had another family visit this weekend, Catfish, Charlie and I. I'll go backwards with my story because my head is still a little thick from last night, when I allowed myself to drink some whiskey and let my self-control slip a minute.

I want to say something about my experience posting on this forum with the title of "moderator" under my name. Please ignore it when I am posting about my life. All it means is that I have some tasks to perform on this forum that most of you don't have to worry about. I am in love with two beautiful and complicated men who are working so hard with me to normalize what is a first experience for all of us. I don't know how to do this, so I feel how to do this, and hope that the risks I am taking will continue to be rewarded. In other words, I need help as much as the next polywog.

The whiskey was after a wake that CF and I attended last evening. A crush of people lifting up a friend of ours who lost his wife about a month ago. I did not know her well, but the experience of being the husband's friend through his experience of accepting that she was sick and would die, his waiting with her though hospital and hospice, and finally his fulfillment of her wishes that we have a party rather than a funeral for her has affected CF and I deeply, and made us think about terrible and wonderful things. CF sang and played his banjo with the guys-it meant so much to our friend, as he and his wife love the band's music and their pub has been the guys' home bar for several years now.

I stood with our friend as CF was playing, and as always, he expressed how much the music means to him. I had my arm around him, watching my husband rock out and shine his glorious smile all over everyone that came to celebrate her life, and I fell in love with him more, more, more. Happens all the time. He is so beautiful. I can't ever imagine loving him any more than I do at any given point, but then the next day happens, and I find out that yes, it's both possible and unavoidable. That this will be the case every day of my life until I too go out with a bang is just the truth.

Charlie left in the afternoon. He stayed with us three nights for some serious family time. Catfish has described from his perspective the first night when we went to a concert in a beautiful theater here in town and listened to one of my favorite bands.

I have this overwhelming feeling sometimes when I am physically between the two of them of being a magnet suspended between two other magnets, held hovering between my love and attraction for both of them. It is a bit of a paralyzing feeling. When one of them walks away, I connect with force to the other, reassuring, exchanging the private eye contact and touch that I will not share, out of respect, in front of the other.

I stood for most of the concert, and had a hand on both of them most of the time, knowing CF was hurting, but unable and unwilling to waste the beauty of being with both of them doing something I enjoy so much. I did not want to allow CF's mood to overtake me, but at the same time, both Charlie and I were very aware of it, and took care of him the best we could.

I know that ignoring Charlie for the sake of Catfish is wrong. It would reinforce CF's negative feelings about the situation, and would be unfair to both Charlie and I, who are not sorry to anyone for loving each other. Catfish is the last person I would hide my feelings for Charlie from, and it works just the same in reverse. They are both my equals, and I am determined to treat them both like the strong people that they are, with much respect, and no lying, not anymore, not even in a gesture held back for the sake of peace or placating.

As I tell them both often, I am not fucking around.

After the concert, when CF wanted me to go to bed with him right away and I told him as lovingly as I could that I did not want to, wanted to stay up with Charlie, I know it hurt, but he respected it. When I accidentally fell asleep with Charlie and caused CF to wake up alone in the wee hours, I know that hurt worse on top of everything CF was already feeling. It was a mistake and I'm sorry it happened. It was an unnecessary hurt that I know I could have prevented.

It is so hard to leave one of them to go be alone with the other, especially when we are all in the same house. It feels wrong. I have to force myself. I can, I know I have to, but it makes me cry every time. Same thing happens when I leave one of them to go to see the other overnight (CF and I live two and a half hours away from Charlie). I tear myself away and try to leave with a brave smile, and wait until I am alone in the car to cry.

When I am crying, I tell myself that I am glad that I can bear this weight to help them both be free men, free to love me, free to choose to do this work alone and with me, free to find happiness for themselves. For myself, the tears are part of the price for my own freedom, and I honor them, because I love myself.

Charlie went to work with me the next day(Friday) to help out with a project. When we got home, CF wanted to talk, so we sat around the fire and had some very hard conversations, along with laughter, dreaming, questions and deep hurts and desires surfacing everywhere.

I consciously held my own thoughts at bay for the most part, wanting the two of them to have the floor. The hardest part for me was sitting between them, listening to their deepest fears and feelings of incompleteness come out as we talked about how we all have doubts about ourselves from way back, and how being in this relationship brings it all up, every last piece of unfinished business.

I was that hovering magnet again, sitting between them on pillows on the floor, listening to the two most wonderful people I know express painful things about the darkness of their inner monologue. I wanted to knock their heads together at one point, to argue with them, to say "NO! You're fucking wrong about yourself, you are so amazing, etc..", but I knew they needed to tell each other that they were the same, human, with doubts, equals, and I listened, holding back tears for the pain that they felt safe enough to reveal.

We slept together that night. I held them and they held me, and the magnets came together. I did not have to leave one to be with the other. I am so grateful that they both allowed this to happen. It felt so good, and it meant so much to me to be able to sleep in peace with their heat on either side of me.

When we woke up butt-early the next morning, the closeness of the night made me feel safe to tell them how I was struggling as the hinge in this family. Most of the time I feel like I should never have a complaint or issue beyond missing the one I am not physically with when I am apart from them. I break through this sometimes when I am alone with one of them, but hadn't done so with all of us in the same room before Saturday morning. They gave me the floor and let me tell them that it was hard for me too. They would not accept my bearing anything alone, no matter the intention or reason. Of course, my love increased again. Our closeness as three increased again. We learned more about how to love each other this way-how to live this life that we have all chosen and take care of one another, take care of ourselves.

After that conversation, when Charlie and I got back from welding all day, we all went out for dinner and had a great time. When we got home, CF wanted to go right to bed again, and I knew he wanted me to come with him straight away again, but I wanted to stay up again, and so I did. After spending some time with Charlie, I made sure not to fall asleep, and tore myself away from him to snuggle in with CF at a reasonable hour.

Sunday morning was lazy and comfy, in our jammies, drinking coffee and watching a movie together (really good movie- "Winter's Bone") before Charlie left for home in the afternoon and we got ready for the wake/party.

I am out of time. I am full of love. I still have a foggy head from the whiskey, but I am looking forward to a massage at 2 and class later on. Catfish is making dinner for us. Charlie is home safe, and I look forward to his voice on the phone, his words on my computer screen, the next plan to get together.

-R
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I love Catfish and Charlie.

Last edited by Rarechild; 02-14-2011 at 03:15 PM.
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  #56  
Old 01-31-2011, 05:33 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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polywog
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  #57  
Old 01-31-2011, 09:36 PM
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sounds familiar. yet all yours. Keep at it Rarechild. It's all being created. All will settle in time.
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  #58  
Old 02-01-2011, 03:11 AM
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Default Fuuuck

Holy shit, I fucking love you both so fucking much.
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  #59  
Old 02-09-2011, 05:51 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Thank you, forum friends, for being good to my family. The help we receive here means so much to me.
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  #60  
Old 02-14-2011, 03:03 PM
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Default A user's guide to managing the majic and the awesomeness

Aren't we blessed, those of us whose first thought is of Love every morning?!

Valentine's Day- I don't think that my life could get any more romantic than it is, or I would float right off the planet and be gloriously lost in the ether. I already have a hard time keeping my spirit somewhat grounded to my physical body. What an excellent problem to have.

I can hardly stand to sit back and look at my Love. It is too perfect, it is built for eternity and transforms me into the hand of the Universe, all the time building fire that will never be quenched.

The three of us were out having dinner a couple of weeks ago, and ran into a friend of mine, my former philosophy professor, who was out on a date also. She was full of joy to see me out with my loves, having heard about my journey all along during our weekly visits in her faculty office over the last two years.

She was telling us about her new camera, and invited the three of us out to her farm to be photographed together.

Give candy to each other, lovers, you enjoy sweets much more than I do. As for flowers, we will walk the earth and find them where they live, alive and at home in their glory.

I want the photographs of us for a love gift. I want to see what we look like together through her lens in the Spring sunshine. I want to give that gift to you. The beauty of us made startlingly new though the eyes of another precious person. We are Art, and I want us three to stand back and wonder at our loveliness together in this way.

More Love than I knew I had the strength to give myself and both of you,

-R
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