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Old 11-28-2011, 05:07 AM
maemarie maemarie is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: california
Posts: 2
Default Unusual situation, I think... Hi!

Hi there!

I've been reading around a bit and have decided to join and post to see if I can get some support.

I'm C, 29, female anatomy but with lingering fascination (?) with the thought of having male anatomy for my nether-regions. I've had this fascination since I was a child, maybe of age 7 or 8. I identify as female and would not be comfortable living as a male. I have wondered if this still would fall in the category of transgendered at all. Maybe you all would know. I think I'm wired as mono, but am open to exploring how true that is since I am new to knowing about poly. I figure I owe it to myself to explore that because of the mono cultural/societal expectations I was raised with.

My fiance, M, is 25, male anatomy, but somewhat feminine in mannerisms. He identifies as male in real life, but fancies playing a female on Second Life (SL). He is wired as poly. He is bi-curious in real life. His other loves are all from SL and are all male (bi or gay) in real life. He also identifies as a furry, but not interested in role-playing that in real life, only on SL and by viewing anthropomorphic adult-themed art. Also, he has Asperger's Syndrome - which can severely complicate interactions with any other person.

He had no idea what polyamory is, but knew he loved others. So as I was internetting, I found out about polyamory and really read a lot on this site to help me understand. So now he knows about it, in as much as I have been able to explain to him. Early in our relationship, he mentioned that he still wanted to have sex with another girl, or have a threesome. I am now starting to understand what that was about and so is he.

We both have other psychological complications going on as well. He is also going through mysterious physical problems right now.

But damn if we don't love each other...

So now that we are both understanding more about his poly-ness, he has been more expressive about what he feels. He is interested in one of my long-time friends whom we had dinner with once over a year and a half ago.

I, too, have been more expressive about how I feel. We have had a lot of talks and we both feel much closer to each other now than we did 10 days ago!

I have also tried to be very patient and understanding with him. This is in large part due to his Asperger's and his childhood experiences. He has never felt safe being who he is. I am able to give him the safe place to talk about these things, but must be very careful in how I express myself and my feelings.

Thankfully I am naturally a patient person (2 impatient parents helped me there... lol) and so I've been doing fairly well. Except that now I know he is interested in my friend. I do not think she is wired poly at all or would be interested in him. I am highly protective of M and it scares me that he would react badly if rejected. I also realize this is probably part of the process.

We do have some challenges when I do express my feelings or concerns. He takes the world very literally and also tends to see things in black and white, right or wrong, good or bad. For example, I expressed that if he found another lady who was open to joining him (probably as a V-shaped relationship), I would probably have some jealousy issues to work through. My mentioning the word jealousy put him into shutdown mode (I am familiar with it from him). Once he came out of the shutdown mode, it was still rough because he assumed that my probable jealousy meant he couldn't explore AND that I would leave him. This is because "jealousy" to him is a negative/bad/wrong/black thing.. which must mean the worst possible outcome for our relationship... and that he must be bad for causing those feelings in me...

I am realizing more and more how much every aspect of life is a spectrum! He has trouble seeing that.

So... here we are.

If anyone out there can relate, please let me know.

Thank you for reading

P.S. I have a nickname for our relationship: monopolyunsaturated - based on a post in the definitions thread.
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Old 12-01-2011, 01:58 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

Welcome aboard.

There are plenty of us here who identify as queer in some fashion or are involved with queer folk of some variety. We also have plenty of folk who deal with mental illness/disability in our selves or partners. Personally speaking, nothing you've described strikes me as unusual in any fashion.
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 12-01-2011, 02:37 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

Hi! If you find it useful, I would class you as "genderqueer". You can ID as female and still explore your male leanings with your current partner or with others and have a lot of fun.

It sounds like you're very sensitive to your partner's feelings and reactions, which is awesome. I hope you also have space to express your needs and desires?
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 12-01-2011, 02:51 AM
maemarie maemarie is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: california
Posts: 2

Thank you both for replying.

I looked up some about what genderqueer is and I think it is appropriate for me... not that I need a label, but it helps in communicating with others.

I can express my needs and feelings with M if I am concise and don't over explain. This can be difficult at times and we have experienced many "shutdown" events and inner turmoil about that. I am still in the process of understanding what he is capable of in terms of being able to "be there" for me emotionally. Right now it appears as though it isn't much.

I am communicating more with some friends as a way to get some of my emotional needs met. So far it is okay.

I think the hardest part is trying to adjust to so many new discoveries all at once. M was diagnosed with Asperger's in September this year, about 3 months ago now. The discovery of the meaning of his "other loves" as polyamory happened within the last 2 weeks. I was just able to open up to him fully about my genderqueer stuff a week ago.

I appreciate the responses. Thank you so much.
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