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  #141  
Old 03-05-2013, 12:18 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Mya - I love how we're on really similar vibes at the moment! Yup, this poly deal is quite wonderful when it works

Date with Plinth on Thursday was decadent, carnal, confessional. Two soft puzzle pieces nuzzling, amazed that each permutation of hands and mouths and limbs and thoughts fit so snugly. We dragged his king single mattress onto the ground because the bed frame was squeaky. Shut the windows, turned the music up a little, hoped we weren't disturbing the flatmates in the courtyard. We managed to sleep eventually, more out of prudence than exhaustion, our bodies slick with fuck, sweat, saliva and each other's fantasies. Pleasantly full.

I made it to the pool the next morning, just. In time for a quickie (a 15 min swim as opposed to an hour) but it still felt good. It was a token gesture towards continuing those good disciplines I need and want in my life. This new relationship is luscious, and I desire far more than I can have. I don't want to clamber wildly, to forget my scaffolding.

On Saturday, Grotto, Ocean and I went to a houseparty of one of Ocean (and Menrva)'s colleagues. Bert & Menrva were there too. Menrva still doesn't want to be out to her co-workers, which is quite up to her, however previously this has made Ocean ask me to be secretive as well. The thinking being: if people know he and I are poly, then they may suspect Menrva is poly too (given how much time Ocean spends with her).

I told him I wasn't sure I could be bothered doing that anymore. I enjoy being out too much, and I'm not convinced this deception is necessary. It feels odd to invite Grotto someplace where we have to hide our connection, for no good reason. Basically, Menrva's reasons aren't good enough for me. Selfish? Maybe. Though I don't think she minded. It was more Ocean wanting to be cautious on her behalf.

Finally had The Conversation with Bert. A simple "so how's this going for you?" We didn't talk for long, but I was really happy to be upfront, and I feel far more connected to him as a person now. I'm not great with moderation, and having this artificial boundary of not talking about poly (especially as it was the main reason we were connecting in the first place!) hadn't helped me to feel expansive and open with him. In a funny moment, I felt this rush of tenderness towards him and nearly kissed him! Whoops. I have never been attracted to Bert (and still am not) but I do care for him, and he's been struggling with a few things, so my instincts gushed a bit there. Luckily I checked the impulse, hard. That could have been messy, oh so complicated.

A lazy Sunday, both Ocean and Grotto hung over. I'm perky, restless. Go for a long swim, come back and they're still in bed! We have leftover pizza and coffee for breakfast. Ocean's not in the mood for fooling around in a threesome, but he's suprisingly cheeky. Spanks me. Asks me to fuck Grotto so he can keep reading his book. (Not as a kinky thing, more "you're randy, love, why don't you go bother your other husband for a while and leave me in peace.")

We have a small, resonant apartment with minimal privacy. I'm impressed that we're so comfortable that it's okay to hang out together, even if we're on very different vibes. Respectful negotiation, in good will and good humour. Well. We've clearly come quite far as a triad. And yet, there's more moutain for the trekking and my boots are keen. Epic love

Sunday afternoon, I catch up with some of Grotto's friends to play cards. Plinth is in the vicinity, so I ask him if he wants to drop in for a bit. Note to self: we can't do brief catch-ups at the moment. When I see him, my entire consciousness pours down a funnel of joy, curiosity, lust. I'm captivated by the smell and taste of him, I get lost in his bushfire beard. Gah, I'm smitten.

It's hard to be circumspect, but I need to be. I want to steal time with Plinth but 30 mins becomes three hours as soon as I hold his hand, as soon as his tongue touches mine. Short bursts are possible if we've got fixed commitments pending with other people, but don't work so well if we just have miscellaneous personal tasks to get on to. I must be smart, strategic. Plan proper dates with him, that I actually have time for, and not graze in-between.

So yesterday, although I had a window after finishing work and meeting Ocean, where I could have seen Plinth (who was heading to my area) I left it. It was hard to do! But for the best.

Invited him for dinner at ours tonight. Grotto, Menrva and Bert are coming, Ocean and I are cooking. The whole fucking family If this is polysaturation, I hope we can at least drip any excess into a bucket and use it for watering the plants or something.

Updates on a couple of people not yet mentioned:

- Bijou: She and Grotto have been fluctuating a bit. Close flirty friends, she's not sure what she wants. She seems to like him too much to be able to sustain a casual thing, esp as he feels pretty deeply for her. At the moment, she doesn't want anything serious. It's been hard to find the right balance. Grotto's sometimes pretty cut up about things, but he's mellowed out recently. Occasionally there is conflict, blood on the balcony.

I haven't seen too much of her, but I probably should touch base, as a comradely thing. Especially before I head away. I don't want to leave any festering fears... Her presence swallows me up a little. She's very sensuous, and she relishes the hunt. I'm not into games or drama so my instincts have been to keep my distance.

- Ella: Wrote me a sweet letter. I'm almost finished one to post back. My letter writing has choked recently, incessant life detours. I need to re-establish my path.

But, yeah. She's good to me, good for me. We're doing alright.

Now. Apologies to folks who are following this, but I need to make one final name change. I chose the gloss "Ella" before someone with a very similar name came into my life, and the resemblance has been really confusing me. Definitely makes more sense to pick psuedonyms that aren't commonly used as a name themselves So from now on, Ella = Djuna. Thank you for your patience; I'll adjust the necessary paperwork eventually.
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  #142  
Old 03-08-2013, 08:14 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Default Djuna, what's not to love

The first time I met her was at a poetry event. She's the kind of girl that says "hey", keeps her hands in her pockets, stands with one side of her body slightly lower than the other. She wears shoes that were designed to scuff sidewalks.

Grotto had invited her. A friend he hadn't seen for a while, one he had always liked, was obviously crushing on a tiny bit. Just this much <-->

Leaning into one small round bar table, pints dripping condensation into coasters, we were happy to have exchanged names. I don't remember talking to her.

I remember her poem, written hastily on a scrap of paper like all good poems. It was about meeting new people, and not really talking to them, but feeling their love anyway. A poem for us, the people she'd just met. Smooth

As often happens with poetry, you see the insides of someone. Her poem was simple, direct. The way I've come to realise she talks, once you get things going.

Eventually, Grotto asked her to his place for dinner. They ate, fucked, and pretty soon were boyfriend and girlfriend. In many ways they matched each other much more than Grotto and I match. Size, shape, colour, accents, sense of humour, world view. I was never jealous about these things.

Their relationship developed mostly when I was overseas, when Grotto & I were long distance. In the couple of visits home, Djuna, Grotto and I had some mind-melting threesomes. I got to know her better as a person. I asked her to be my girlfriend, something we both knew was a token gesture of a broad intention to see where things went, between the two of us (separate to Grotto and her connection).

After six months or so, Grotto broke up with her. It wasn't dramatic, but it was sad. They always stayed good friends, and now they are comfortable with being friends who fuck occasionally.

As for us, we write letters, e-mails, Skype. Long-distance for the foreseeable future. I'm not holding back, at least not consciously, but I know I'd hate to miss her. I don't miss her now. We've established a comfortable 'long-distance' shape, perhaps because we've always been long-distance.

The love I have for her is not a falling, or an explosion, but a slow-paced daisy chain pieced together over many lazy afternoons. We're still going. It is good.

(prev referred to in this blog as Ella)
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  #143  
Old 03-08-2013, 08:31 AM
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I didn't sleep last night, because I was having sex. With Plinth. And Grotto. Separately. And together. And separately again. Both the boys got sleep, but I didn't. I couldn't. A semi-accident meant Grotto, Plinth and I were at Grotto's place last night, just the three of us. Christ, I could barely cope, in the best way possible. So many hot moments, Plinth slipping his fingers into Grotto's mouth (Plinth said it was "silken"), me in the middle with the other two mirroring their hands and mouths, etc, etc, etc, etc

In the morning, I came home to Ocean in time for a shower, change and breakfast. He was too cute in bed, and Grotto had also planted the seed of mischief in my mind... "You should go home and fuck Ocean". So, we stole enough time for a luscious quickie.

Work today, 9-6, was sluggish. Happy but drained. Cute moments chatting with Ocean & Grotto:

Ocean: last week it was 3 boys on 3 consecutive nights
this week it's 3 boys within 24 hours
me: (4)
(hours)
Ocean: yikes

and

Grotto: you're so beautiful
when you got back into bed all sleepy and freshly fucked it struck me hard
i love you fuchka
you bring a huge amount of joy to me
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  #144  
Old 03-08-2013, 09:57 AM
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I have nothing to say but... awesome. Makes some very enjoyable reading, too.
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  #145  
Old 03-14-2013, 01:06 AM
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rory - thanks It's fun writing too.

Well, Grotto's been powering away at a personal project of his, making massive headway. He's happy, focused, proud of himself. Made me realise that I haven't been doing too well on my own projects. It's not all bad, but it hasn't been great. And, I felt slightly jealous!

I've always found it hard delimiting time for my own stuff. Somehow everything else gets priority, and once I finally clear the pile of laundry, I find my projects were stifled at the bottom of it all.

The only thing to do, of course, is get better at making space for myself and my own projects. Use Grotto's success to inspire me to do better. I need to give myself more time, quality time, to squirrel away at things. Remind myself that I want, need this.

I've thought a bit about how creative and sexual energy influence each other. One of my friends feels like she has to pick one over the other; in her experience, she doesn't make as much art if she's also having good sex. I don't know how it is with me, but I noticed that I had just made room in my schedule for me to finish a project (pretty much cleared the table of personal commitments for the next few weeks) when Plinth and I hooked up.

I haven't dropped the ball on tasks I owed other people, but I have been slack with my self-imposed deadlines. Have also been sleeping less. (Well, it's been stinking hot, so sleep hasn't come easy anyway.)

Today have a date with Plinth after dance again. I want to do a solid chunk of work beforehand, so I feel like I deserve the break.

Ended up hanging with one of Grotto's colleagues over the weekend, unplanned. Went back to his place, played chess, got high, cooked dinner. He's a guy I've hung out with a wee bit, but always in groups. I didn't think it through properly... what his expectations were, what I wanted. It was like an accidental date. He asked me to stay over. I decided to sleep on the couch. His apartment is a couple of buildings over from where Grotto lives.

Grotto and I had been texting a wee bit through the night. I said I had no idea what was going on, and asked if he was ok. Grotto said he was just bemused, and wished me good luck. Around 2am I got a call from Grotto, he wasn't doing too well, wanted to see me. So I went round (his colleague woke up and walked me over, actually, which was sweet)...

Turns out Grotto had been feeling progressively less comfortable about the thought of me getting together with one of his friends/work colleagues. Understandably. I had considered the workplace dynamics of things when I'd decided not to go there. We didn't have any clear rules about it, but we've got a rule now. No friends or workmates.

I could probably use a few restrictions
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  #146  
Old 03-16-2013, 07:54 AM
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Wow, I've been PMSing hard recently. Last few times have been serious freefalls, gritted teeth, white knuckles. Makes me wanna dwell in the shadows - so I thought this is a good opportunity to be clear in this blog about some things that are challenges at the moment.

Ocean, still can be very depressed some days, which I often experience as a trigger for myself feeling guilt, useless. God, depression can be so relentless. His meds only help so much. He smokes weed (a small to moderate amount) to relieve his mood... but he's been addicted in the past and doesn't always find it easy to regulate. He's really antisocial when he smokes. Wants to be by himself. I don't usually enjoy being around him when he's high.

Things are frequently rough with him and Menrva. Their relationship, on top of his own work, can tire him out so that he's left craving for time and space for himself. I can feel it, and I want him to get what he needs... but I also need time with him. I don't want to add my demands on him to all his existing demands, but I don't want to minimise my own needs, to be the wheel that doesn't squeak until fuck! It's jammed up.

I feel like I need a lot of self-awareness to navigate these relationships. To know when I need to speak up, and do it. The first part can often be the hardest.

While I'm on the difficult aspects of my relationship with Ocean: sex. Is still infrequent to non-existent. Things are much, much better than they were before he got on his most recent meds, but more often than not any moves I make in that direction are rebuffed. Yes. The few times we've fucked recently have been delicious. Caramel heating on a stove. Warm, nourishing, close. In fact, one body.

But. We aren't dessert people, and yet we're still ordering dessert more often than we have sex. Come on, dude

I'm not known for my patience. Luckily, there's nothing lacking in love or intimacy between Ocean & I, or desire to be with each other. So, sex relegated to being a side salad to a side salad? A small thing. I'm used to it. But, like a dripping tap, I'd prefer if it wasn't there.

Hmm. Things are good though, overall. I have bold, wondrous people in my life, who care about me bucketloads. I'm beyond sated, in the best way possible.
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  #147  
Old 03-21-2013, 11:08 AM
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A quiet night at home. I needed it. Had a date scheduled with Plinth (hah, as soon as I typed his name, he rang me) but I bowed out of it, which he accepted graciously.

Feeling okay. Ish. I'm really jealous of Menrva at the moment. I'm jealous that Ocean makes so much time to spend with her, like, recently they've both been working from home (her home) quite often. The other morning, I tried to initiate some fooling around in bed in the morning with Ocean, and he said he didn't have time and/or wasn't in the mood and/or had to get going for work. Can't remember what combination of the usual responses. Then she rang, and asked him what he was up to, whether he was home alone. He said "no". Then she suggested he come round to her place, and that they go to uni together from there. Obviously to spend some time alone with him first. He said yes, and left soon afterwards.

Fuuuck dude.

This was the morning after a conversation I tried to have with him, the previous night, about if he could let me know when a good time was, for sex. Because it seems like it's never a good time. And he said, sleepily, "I don't like to plan these things." We said we'd talk about it later.

Argh. I'm not dealing with this well. As in, I don't have good strategies. I'm honest and speak up when things happen that hurt me, like the above, but maybe I'm not timing it right, or phrasing it right. I'm heard but nothing seems to change. Well. I'm even not sure what I want to change. I just don't want things to be this way.

In this climate, having good sex with other people frightens me a little. Ocean & I don't have regular sex these days. I don't want to get in the habit of enjoying fucking other people and having a largely non-sexual relationship with Ocean.

I keep questioning myself - what am I doing to make this worse? I don't really put myself out there so much, to him. I expect to be rejected. I am angry with him for being so passive about sex. I'm angry that he doesn't prioritise this issue.

He admits that he deprioritises this because he can, because he feels we're solid. And I can't deny that. Also, in a way, the fact we don't have sex keeps things simpler, gives us more time for other things. But I can't help questioning if this is wise, when this spare energy facilitates sexual relationships with other people, but not each other?

Occasionally I've asked him directly - do you think we'd have more sex with each other if we were monogamous? Rational as ever, he says: maybe. Ah, the guilt used to overwhelm me. But really? Not being monogamous has kept me sane, when my libido has soared at times when his has stalled. Yes, maybe things would have been different libido-wise if we were monogamous. I don't know, and we'll never know. We just have to battle on.

Making things better on this front is not easy. We don't really know how to fix us. When we confront this situation, he often states the fact that we've got into the habit of not being sexual with each other. That it's hard to break the cycle. This is true. But to me it doesn't mean we can't challenge this. It's the situation. Neither of us want it. I don't think it will go away by itself. He thinks relationships have cycles: we're in a slump for now, but probably things will be better in the future. I'm scared that if we don't make an effort, it'll get harder and harder to change our patterns of behaviour. He is sorry he doesn't feel in the mood. I am sorry he doesn't feel in the mood. We love each other, forgive each other, hug and kiss and sometimes - though too rarely - sweetly fuck.

Other times I'm mad, I hate him for making me feel un-sexy, ignore-able. I'm wildly, non-rationally, irate. I hate him for being too goddamn lazy to sacrifice anything, his morning news, his muesli, his new favourite book, for trying to get in the mood. For not seeing any point in cultivating a sexual mood, not having any hope that feeding the beast might make it grow. He's really quiet in sex, almost unresponsive, and this attitude makes it feel especially bad sometimes when I'm randy, coaxing him, and he says nothing. God, man, what are you feeling? Talk to me.

I'm painting a bleak picture. I'm sad today. I fucked up a date with Ocean yesterday. We went out for drinks and nibbles after a talk, and I drank too much (I'm a sucker for free booze). We were planning to go home together, and then midway I'm not sure what happened, but he ended up wanting to join Menrva, Bert and some others at a pub. I was in no state to spend time in group company. We parted ways, and then - heading home by myself - I felt upset that he'd chosen to spend time with Menrva (who he sees every. fucking. day. All day. At work. Frequently after/before work too) to spending time with (admittedly atrociously drunk) me.

Earlier in the evening, I had spoken with Ocean directly. That I was feeling jealous of Menrva, jealous that he had an easier sexual relationship with her than with me. He said, this was true, and put it down to the usual stuff (our bad habits etc). Said it would inevitably be easier with someone new, without that same baggage (ouch). I said I knew all that, but it hurt. He said thank you for sharing, said some reassuring things. Ah, man, I'm just bleargh at the moment. I don't know what to do.

Ocean and I have scheduled time tomorrow but I almost don't want to see him. I don't want to not have sex with him. And, actually, I don't want to have sex with him. It's like I'm over it. I'm over grappling with this issue. I'm over being satisfied with whatever he's feeling okay to give today. I'm over feeling greedy for asking for more.

Yikes, in a dark space right now.

I just don't know how to unpack this with Ocean, anymore.

Everything else in our relationship is so good. Perhaps I need to work on being at peace about this. Especially since, when I'm honest with myself, I'm actually okay with not being sexual with him right now (go figure?!). I don't feel powerfully drawn to him that way. It's more like, I miss it, miss the memory, miss how easy it was, and I'm afraid if I accept the status quo, we'll be less likely to have that kind of intimacy again. I feel like we've allowed our sexual energy to be so starved that we simply don't feel it anymore. I want it back. I'm willing to try to make fire with sticks. He isn't.

Ocean's approach is patience, hope. I know. But also an unconcernedness which I find at times callous. When other people are really into fucking me, the contrast with Ocean is more pronounced. He's happy for me, getting sex elsewhere, happy that I'm happy. And of course I'm enjoying myself. But, yeah, it makes me less patient with Ocean, even panicked.

He's at Menrva's at the moment, a dinner and movie date with her and Bert. I'm appreciating being home alone.

I wonder if we should agree to be non-sexual for now. It could relieve the pressure of constantly revisiting this. Or maybe we should get some counselling. Or maybe I should learn how to tie myself up effectively so he has to help me out. Quarter joking.

Really, I just don't want my sexual connections with other people to erode my relationship with Ocean. The blackest fear is that it's already too late for that.

Dark moods.

Ah.

Grotto's been especially beautiful in bed recently. The gentlest touch. A worshipful mouth. I love him so much. And I love the deep roots of my relationship with Ocean that makes these other relationships possible, lets them flourish.

Maybe we're doing okay.

This weekend, Ocean and I are heading away for a few days, to the city I'm moving to soon. There's a family event, plus I have a meeting with the person I'm replacing at my new work. Travelling together has always been healing for us. I'm looking forward to it.
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Old 03-22-2013, 02:08 AM
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I'm bitter, tetchy, closed, volatile. Just made a lemon into lemonade to remind myself I don't want to feel like this. I'm not interested in wallowing. I'm interesting in owning my fears, but not being owned by them.

Also remembered that my life is not so much the "life gives you lemons" quote. More like "when life gives you lemonade, appreciate it."

Last night I asked Ocean if it would be easier to decide to have a non-sexual relationship for now.

He said "do you want that?"

I said, "for me, no. But if that's what you want then it could make it easier for me if we had a decision like that. I don't mean forever, just for now, until further notice."

He replied "no, I don't think that's a good idea. It's not what I want."

We fell asleep in each other's arms. Easy, uneasy, dreams.
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Old 03-22-2013, 03:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Last night I asked Ocean if it would be easier to decide to have a non-sexual relationship for now.

He said "do you want that?"

I said, "for me, no. But if that's what you want then it could make it easier for me if we had a decision like that. I don't mean forever, just for now, until further notice."

He replied "no, I don't think that's a good idea. It's not what I want."
At that point, I would have been tempted to say, "Well, then fuck me, dammit! I want you!" and get on top of him. It's so difficult to be in that place and let it be. But I think you have to take steps to initiate it more, even if there is rejection. Keep trying and letting him know it isn't acceptable to you.

A "rut" is something you have to climb out of, not sit and wait for it to change on its own. My husband and I were in that no-sex rut for over three years (!), and then he left me and blamed it all on me, saying I didn't want to have sex with him. But I did! I would lay there next to him and cry in silence because I had come to bed hoping it would happen and he would already be asleep. Every now and then, I would say "We should have sex," but I still waited for him to initiate because he was the one who was rejecting it -- but it never happened.

So do something about it. Don't hang onto hope and just wait like I did.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #150  
Old 03-28-2013, 02:03 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
... The other morning, I tried to initiate some fooling around in bed in the morning with Ocean, and he said he didn't have time and/or wasn't in the mood and/or had to get going for work. Can't remember what combination of the usual responses...

...This was the morning after a conversation I tried to have with him, the previous night, about if he could let me know when a good time was, for sex. Because it seems like it's never a good time. And he said, sleepily, "I don't like to plan these things." We said we'd talk about it later.

Argh. I'm not dealing with this well. As in, I don't have good strategies. I'm honest and speak up when things happen that hurt me, like the above, but maybe I'm not timing it right, or phrasing it right. I'm heard but nothing seems to change. Well. I'm even not sure what I want to change. I just don't want things to be this way.

...He is sorry he doesn't feel in the mood. I am sorry he doesn't feel in the mood. We love each other, forgive each other, hug and kiss and sometimes - though too rarely - sweetly fuck.

Other times I'm mad, I hate him for making me feel un-sexy, ignore-able. I'm wildly, non-rationally, irate. I hate him for being too goddamn lazy to sacrifice anything, his morning news, his muesli, his new favourite book, for trying to get in the mood. For not seeing any point in cultivating a sexual mood, not having any hope that feeding the beast might make it grow. He's really quiet in sex, almost unresponsive, and this attitude makes it feel especially bad sometimes when I'm randy, coaxing him, and he says nothing. God, man, what are you feeling? Talk to me.

....Ocean and I have scheduled time tomorrow but I almost don't want to see him. I don't want to not have sex with him. And, actually, I don't want to have sex with him. It's like I'm over it. I'm over grappling with this issue. I'm over being satisfied with whatever he's feeling okay to give today. I'm over feeling greedy for asking for more.
I had meant to respond to this post sooner - so much of what you said here resonated with how I was feeling with regard to MrS. (This was before Dude came into the picture.)

His libido, never very high, had fallen further. My frustration simmered. I felt un-sexy, fat, un-attractive. (This was exacerbated by the fact that, we were actually trying to conceive during a portion of this time - more pressure.)

I found myself sulking, angry, crying - even caught myself engaging in passive-aggressive cries for attention (something I can't stand). It had to stop - I was driving myself crazy. Sulking, angry, crazy people are not people that I would want to sleep with either! So - I took stock. I AM sexy - I actually don't need him to validate that. I cultivated my relationship with myself - to get back to that person I remembered being. It's not that I didn't want to have sex with him (I did), but I didn't HAVE to. I put baby-making in the "if it happens" file - not a priority. After an intimate conversation/bonding evening - I would say - "I have to go to bed, but you have me a little worked up - so if you hear my vibrator going when you come upstairs...feel free to join me." I don't know that we had any more sex, but my perspective had changed - I didn't spend so much time feeling bad, spent more time masturbating, AND...sometimes he did join me. (Yea!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
In this climate, having good sex with other people frightens me a little. Ocean & I don't have regular sex these days. I don't want to get in the habit of enjoying fucking other people and having a largely non-sexual relationship with Ocean.

...He admits that he deprioritises this because he can, because he feels we're solid. And I can't deny that. Also, in a way, the fact we don't have sex keeps things simpler, gives us more time for other things. But I can't help questioning if this is wise, when this spare energy facilitates sexual relationships with other people, but not each other?

Occasionally I've asked him directly - do you think we'd have more sex with each other if we were monogamous? Rational as ever, he says: maybe. Ah, the guilt used to overwhelm me. But really? Not being monogamous has kept me sane, when my libido has soared at times when his has stalled. Yes, maybe things would have been different libido-wise if we were monogamous. I don't know, and we'll never know. We just have to battle on.

... But also an unconcernedness which I find at times callous. When other people are really into fucking me, the contrast with Ocean is more pronounced. He's happy for me, getting sex elsewhere, happy that I'm happy. And of course I'm enjoying myself. But, yeah, it makes me less patient with Ocean, even panicked.

...Really, I just don't want my sexual connections with other people to erode my relationship with Ocean. The blackest fear is that it's already too late for that.
For us, what ended up happening was that it was knowing that I was getting my sexual needs met elsewhere that allowed MrS to figure out how to ... balance my needs with his. He admits now, looking back, that when I was feeling desperate for him he was almost afraid to let anything that could lead to sex happen because he was afraid that he wouldn't "get into it" and then he would feel bad for disappointing me.

Now he finds that he can just let go - take things to whatever level they get to, please me/please himself/whatever - and that he always has the option of sending in a pinch-hitter (Dude). Taking the pressure off has REALLY improved...everything. As we had more and more positive experiences...his confidence and enjoyment of sex rebounded.

Now, this didn't happen right away - the dynamic between the three of us evolved and stabilized to get us here. But...yeah...I've had more (and more varied) sex with my husband in the last 6 mos than I did in the 6 years before Dude entered the picture.

I've taken up too much space on your blog - feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 03-28-2013 at 02:07 AM.
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