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  #21  
Old 02-16-2010, 12:29 AM
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Erosa Erosa is offline
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First of all,
You are not stupid. You simply under estemated the power of connection, chemestry, and love.
This is painful but I do believe you can recover from it.
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  #22  
Old 02-16-2010, 12:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Little steps.
Little steps.
Does that make sense? Or is it helpful at all??

The whole post was great, and it helped me. Thank you, LR.
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  #23  
Old 02-16-2010, 01:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anon4now View Post
As I stated in my first entry, my wife and I used to be HYPERsexual. You name it, there was a time when we did it (Go ahead, PM and ask me). Since kids, we have lost that part of our wonderful relationship. Where I know that she and I are rock solid and will never want to leave the other, I now know that there is a HUGE chasm in our relationship that has to be addressed so that our relationship is where it used to be. What is the opposite of hyper...? We are there. I honestly thought I was ok with it but while soul searching, I realized that I held ALOT of resentment towards her for it.

Yeah, we talked about it multiple times but I eventually gave in and just swept it under the rug. That's the odd thing, we talk about EVERYTHING but that...
I just thank god got free of a sexual drought in my relationship with my husband so I feel you. We also came from a place of being sexually unsatisfied when we started talking about other relationships.

It turned out to be the lack of openness that was blocking our sexual intimacy. We had to get to a point of nothing left to loose before we really started to be open,- then WHAM!-everything started opening up.

We have made some mistakes wanting too many things too fast, but the sex is back and the best in my life. We had to fall in love again with one another to have a shot in hell at making changes to our damaged relationship. I am a happy lady in that regard now, and it helps me to make less desperate decisions about all kinds of things.

Feel free to PM me- it seems we're about in the same place in some ways.

It hurts when you stub your toe on those boundaries, doesn't it?


Quote:
Originally Posted by anon4now View Post
Either way, I will continue to read and post here. I hope to develop some friendships and possibly help others along the way.
Good.
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  #24  
Old 03-18-2010, 01:03 AM
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"I love her as much as my wife and kids........I once thought I'd never share my wife with another man swinging"

Thanks so much for your sharing. I have a few things to say to you. The first realization that I came to before entering into a Poly lifestyle is that the idea of "You can only be in love with one person" is a myth and it is not correct at all. I don't know how it has happened, but I am in love with 3 people right not. The other idea which is not correct is this. "Your love for a second person will diminish your love for the first person" After entering into this Poly experience, you find that it is not true at all.
Another thing I would like to suggest to you. If there is total honesty and your wife does meet a man that she would like to get to know. Let's say she falls in love with him and it turns her life around and gives her a new lease on life. If you really love her, chances are (from my experience) that you will not feel jealosy, but in fact you will be glad for her and may even feel a closeness and an emotional intimacy with her lover....you may even feel grateful for him.
One more thing.....the "swinging" that you did was sex with no emotional intimacy. I would like to suggest that emotional intimacy, respect, trust and love is the most important thing in a relationship and when that type of relationship becomes sexual- that is the ultimate type of experience.
I'm not inclined to support you in the idea that you can have your lover, but your wife cannot have a lover. I think that you will have a very powerful personal experience if you were to allow the possibility that your wife's life might be enhanced in a major way by finding a lover for herself and that your life might be enhanced by seeing her feel a new love for someone else !!!

Last edited by idealist; 03-18-2010 at 01:07 AM.
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  #25  
Old 03-21-2010, 03:43 AM
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I don't know if I'm doing it right by posting here in my original one (Blog style) but here's my latest update...

I am too weak to have M as close friend and not want/try for more. Today, we made it official that we are going to stop communicating. We have created a reason as to why we aren't talking anymore that is very believable and mostly true so that my wife won't suspect anything (I am so glad that I can stop new lies).

I regret that I ever allowed myself to get to the point where I would be willing to cheat on my wife. I know that I can (and will) love M and my wife. To be a real man, I have to figure out how to keep that love in check and not cross boundries.

I hope someday that I will be able to discuss my desire for a poly relationship with my wife. When I do that, I will also come clean with what happened between M and myself. That very well may cause a whole slew of other problems but I won't have it any other way. It's time for me to man up and deal with my own issues and the issues of our marriage (lack of intimacy and passion which is a long story but happened long before M ever showed back up).

My wife and I have discussed the passion and intimacy issue at great length over the past 5 days. We believe that it started with Post Partum Depression with our 2nd or 3rd child. She learned to cope with it without using meds. We don't know if she's still suffering directly by it or not but we are pretty certain that her coping mechanisms are still in place and causing alot of other problems in her personal life.

She has agreed to seek counseling about her depression. We both hope that by fixing her depression, her lack of passion and intimacy will return. I am going to seek counseling about my own issues. I am also going to begin courting her like I used to. We both acknowledge that I stopped when my courting was not "accepted" over a long period of time and I got into a rutt of not trying anymore. We both udnerstand why but neither want it to continue. I will court my wife again like I courted M. I want and need her love, affection, intimacy, and passion.

Anyone thinking about an affair... it's just not worth it. While M would give me the love I gave her in return and also provide me the passion, intimacy, closeness I want in a relationship... when I was not with her, I would think about her and long for her. When I was with my wife, I would long for M and then I would feel like an ass until I saw M again. I would allow the affair to overpower the "HEY DUMBASS" part of my brain. I am soooo fortunate and lucky that my wife never found out what happened. That would crush her and that is something that I would not be able to live with. I am glad I can see that now.

I love my wife, My children, and M. Until I get my marriage and my issues resolved, I am not going to consider trying to bring M into my family.

If anyone has any advise on how to not miss someone that you believe is another part of your soul, I am open to suggestions.

I don't know if my words have been of any value to anyone here but I will keep writting and rambling until I have a mod give me the "shhhh" command.
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  #26  
Old 03-21-2010, 01:29 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anon4now View Post

I love my wife, My children, and M. Until I get my marriage and my issues resolved, I am not going to consider trying to bring M into my family.

If anyone has any advise on how to not miss someone that you believe is another part of your soul, I am open to suggestions.

I don't know if my words have been of any value to anyone here but I will keep writting and rambling until I have a mod give me the "shhhh" command.

We don't give "shhhh commands" for this kind of stuff. Don't believe everything you read about "the mods" on this forum.


Anyway, I like what you said up there where I underlined it. To me, that shows that you have a mature attitude toward this and that you have seriously considered your priorities and decided to do the right thing. Doing the right thing in the short-term (when it comes to other people's feelings and futures) makes it so much more possible that you will get to where you want to be. Try not to think of this not talking with M as a "forever" thing. If she is truly part of your soul as you say, then a few months or years or waiting until the next lifetime won't make that any less the case.
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  #27  
Old 03-21-2010, 01:33 PM
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Thanks for the kind words... and the mod comment was just a joke. I don't follow "Drama" on any boards.
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  #28  
Old 03-29-2010, 06:52 PM
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Just a quick update:

I have stood by my resolve to not communicate with M. It's killing a part of me and it's very hard to pretend I don't have this pain while working with my wife on our issues. I catch myself wondering if she is feeling the same and then I want to comfort her. Then I listen to the "hey dumbass" part of my brain and refocus on my wife. This is going to be so hard. I guess I have what some textbooks consider dependent personality. I just need to redirect that and work through it.

My wife and I are making advances. We are talking very open whenever something comes up that causes either one to feel slighted or less than loved. We know that we are both hyper sensitive right now and don't take any of it personally. We are seeing counselors seperately for right now to work on individual issues, then we will both see the same one to work on our marriage issues (if they still exist after we work through our individual issues).

I know that my wife and I will make it.

After things that we have discussed, I know that I will never be able to bring up my poly desires without it crushing her. She wouldn't ever feel comfortable having me share my intimacy with another woman. I will always love M and I will always think about her. That's it though, it will just be thought. If my wife ever brings it up (WAY WAY WAY WAY OUTSIDE CHANCE), then I will change my outlook.

The irony is that through some discussions and reading of posts on this site, I actually can say that if she were to come home tonight and tell me that she loves another guy just like I love M... I would be 100% ok with it.

Thanks again for giving me a place to discuss my issues without judgement and often providing constructive feedback.
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  #29  
Old 04-24-2010, 09:51 AM
Shmorg Shmorg is offline
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Time time time and Patience.. and you're going to have to have that talk, and many after =)

If you are really in love w/ the both of them, keep up hope that it can work out =)

I, too.. cheated on my husband. I told him my feelings and intentions before the actual "cheating" but still ended up sleeping w/ someone else after he said, "I could never touch you again if you slept with someone else!" I guess that comment just made me want to prove him wrong though..? Because when we first were together i was sleeping w/ someone else and it didn't change anything.

I cheated... and things are okay =) It has taken a long time, and still in the process of trying to manage a V relationship with two men that have a REALLY hard time communicating.. mostly involving manly looks hugs and nodding of heads? =) but after a lot of tears.. he kissed me and said, "It still feels the same"

If you really believe it is possible, and from your heart.. just hold onto that.
and .. get those words out.
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  #30  
Old 06-21-2010, 09:20 PM
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It has been a while but thought I'd update anyone that might be following this.

I have already decided that I will never cheat on my wife again. I have also decided that I am never going to come out to her either.

I have done alot of soul searching, reading of various books, AND had some discussions with my wife (in a very round about way) discussing poly. What I would expect from a poly relationship is something that she would never be ready for and I think is rare for a poly relationship to be somewhat blunt.

What I am looking for is to have a soulmate for myself and my wife that we all (3 or 4 or more of us) get along and feel the same about the others. I am not bi but I want to love the other man my wife finds a soul connection with (if she chooses) just like I want my wife to love the other woman that is my soulmate.

I don't want a relationship where there is a primary or secondary. I don't want to go out looking for a soulmate. I believe that the relationship I am looking for is something that can't be found... it finds you and slaps you upside the head. Multiple times if needed. I found that with the woman I cheated with and because of how I handled it, it will never be.

Had I handled it correctly from the start, there might have been a snowball's chance in hell (at least it was a chance) that my wife would have opened up and allowed her in and loved her like I do.

I do still believe that I am Poly in my mind/heart/and soul. The thing I realized is that I gave up the ability to act on that when I married my wife and had children with her while never discussing this part of me. If she ever brings it up with me, I might concede. I might even grow a pair and tell her about the affair and mention my feelings for her and the other woman etc... (hell, this is a discussion so far out of the realm of possibility that I haven't put much thought into it so nevermind about that...).

I have made a few friends here and I will continue to troll and maybe offer up a word or two every now and then. But this thread... this part of my life that I messed up... is done.
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