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  #31  
Old 11-30-2011, 07:43 AM
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The concept where all 'love each other equally' in a triad is so strange to me. What does it mean really? It's always up to the person making this guess to evaluate that it's really the case at the given moment. I mean, if you think that it will be easier if all are involved with each other and that there won't be problems like you experienced before, I think this will not work.

Let's assume your former vee would have worked out as a triad. And all were in love with each other. I think that it still needs three very balanced and confident persons to pull this off. Because the possibility for jealousy is even bigger here. If all just works, if everyone is loved 'equally' (how ever one defines how to measure love btw .. ) it is bound to fail. Because one person will always have to do things differently because relationships tend to be different from each other.

For example, the activities one likes to share with one partner will differ from the things she likes to do with her other partner. And that's where the problems tend to start. "Why did you do this and that with B while you only ever do this and that with me?" would be a question that C could ask A in this triad situation. As long as equality is the goal, relationships will be in a tight spot, because they are constantly compared to each other. I believe that each relationship is something that unique and special that it can only flourish if the persons involved accept its individuality. In a triad this would mean, that person A has her own dynamic with B and C and those will differ. And there are bound to be problems if C tries to apply her 'relationships standards' (meaning the way she 'does' relationships) to the relationship of A and B, to measure if it's is equal to the ones she shares with A and B herself.

Hopefully this made sense, it was just something I got from your comments on the situation you had experienced and how you wanted to solve it in the future.
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  #32  
Old 11-30-2011, 07:51 AM
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I think I understand what you're saying. I don't expect, and don't think Rain does either, for someone to love us both equally as we were wanting last time. We would, ideally, just want them to love as both, as different as that love may be.
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  #33  
Old 11-30-2011, 08:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm View Post
I understand what you're saying and it makes a lot of sense. I guess the problem with a vee or N is that we'd be concerned about the other one being jealous or insecure. Honestly, something like that already happened to us. The situation I explained at the start of this thread. V fell in love with me, but not with Rain and Rain could not deal with it. She wanted V to love her too because she loved V and me and I loved her and V, but V only loved me, though she did consider Rain her best friend as well. But there was no romantic love feelings there on her part. This made Rain feel pushed aside, insecure, jealous and generally like shit. We don't want that to happen again.
Learning to deal with and eventually overcome jealousy and insecurity is a great path to personal growth. Growth never happens without a bit of pain and anguish.

The situation you described here is by far the norm, not the exception. Even if you did find someone who fell in love with both of you "equally" there is no guarantee that everyone's feelings will always grow at the same pace. If the love dissolves between you and Newgirl or Rain and Newgirl, it would be very painful for the remaining "still in love" pair. That would leave a lot of hurt feelings in its wake. Yours or Rain's because of being forced to give up on a loving relationship just because it didn't work out for Rain or you (respectively), and Newgirl's doubly because she's basically being kicked to the curb, dropped from a loving relationship just because her love has become inconvenient for you and Rain. Ouch.

It's possible that part of Rain's hurt feelings came from the very fact that you were trying to force this relationship into a box, rather than allowing it to grow in its own way. In other words, if Rain hadn't been expecting V to love her back, then she may not have felt so pushed aside when it didn't happen that way.

Jealousy and insecurity usually come from a deeper place of fear. It's important to address the causes of those emotions. They will likely turn up again in any kind of romantic arrangement you develop, and working through them now will help prepare you for later.
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  #34  
Old 11-30-2011, 08:46 AM
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The previous relationship I had no expectations for. It started as a threesome 'just sex' thing. Neither of us either identified as poly then or knew much about it. We just both knew we loved V and still loved each other. The rest of it was fumbling our way around not knowing what the hell we were doing. Both of us thinking we shouldn't be doing this and that something was probably wrong with it but we didn't care. Now we know a LOT more and that nothing is wrong with it. As for the newgirl, she kicked us to the curb in the previous situation, but I understand what you're saying for future possible relationships.

I do agree about what you're saying in terms of where jealousy comes from and I am trying to get Rain to work through those feelings now rather than later.
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  #35  
Old 12-01-2011, 05:56 AM
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Have you done any reading of anyone else's stories around here? There are some basic concepts that I am wondering if you could pick up by reading about others... maybe it would help you in your situation. Perhaps some searches in the tags might help or just reading the threads around you in the last while.
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  #36  
Old 12-01-2011, 10:26 AM
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I have been reading other stories when possible. Most of the blogs seem to be many, many, many pages long and haven't had time to read any except for Annabel's. I looked at yours but it's over 100 pages! Maybe I will just skim through them all some time. I am also reading other threads.
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  #37  
Old 12-01-2011, 06:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm View Post
I have been reading other stories when possible. Most of the blogs seem to be many, many, many pages long and haven't had time to read any except for Annabel's. I looked at yours but it's over 100 pages! Maybe I will just skim through them all some time. I am also reading other threads.
When I view RP's thread I only see 29 pages. Here's a tip (which I have also posted in a thread in the User Guidelines & Forum Features section):

Reading threads is easier if you set your default page view (in User Control Panel) to the maximum of 40 posts per page.

It makes reading threads so much easier because you don't have to keep clicking on the next page. It makes following the discussion and going back to read earlier posts easier and less time-consuming.

Here is how to set your viewing options. Go to:

User CP (top of page) >
Edit Options (under Settings and Options) >
Thread Display Options (scroll down) >
at Number of Posts to Show Per Page, select "Show 40 Posts Per Page" >
Save Changes (Scroll down to bottom of page)

Voilą! Easier thread reading!
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  #38  
Old 12-01-2011, 10:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm View Post
I have been reading other stories when possible. Most of the blogs seem to be many, many, many pages long and haven't had time to read any except for Annabel's. I looked at yours but it's over 100 pages! Maybe I will just skim through them all some time. I am also reading other threads.
Blogs are great but often people come here, tell a story about a situation and then are gone. This is why I suggest a tag search. I have spent tons of time tagging threads so they relate to a theme. Please feel free to tag threads; anyone. That way people can go to the search engine in the tool bar, press tags and find many tags that indicate where the most interesting and helpful threads are.

Ya, I have a long blog. I don't know how relevant it all is, but it has been to me. it would take a good chunk of time to read. I know few that would bother.
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  #39  
Old 12-02-2011, 01:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post

Voilą! Easier thread reading!
Will try that out!
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  #40  
Old 12-02-2011, 01:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Blogs are great but often people come here, tell a story about a situation and then are gone. This is why I suggest a tag search. I have spent tons of time tagging threads so they relate to a theme. Please feel free to tag threads; anyone. That way people can go to the search engine in the tool bar, press tags and find many tags that indicate where the most interesting and helpful threads are.

Ya, I have a long blog. I don't know how relevant it all is, but it has been to me. it would take a good chunk of time to read. I know few that would bother.
I'd take the time if I had it, just a bit short on it at the moment! Maybe will read 5 pages a day or something and get there eventually

Appreciate the tagging, still reading through things when I have a spare moment.
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