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Old 11-26-2011, 06:53 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by Sociopath View Post
Hello. I am new here. Well, I've been reading a few posts here and there for the past year and a half or so.

Could you volunteer a little bit of your background, and a short paragraph of something you've learned, of great importance to you personally, since venturing out to learn more about what's collectively referred to by many as polyamory?
From adolescence on out, I've learned through experience and observation that humans are NOT a monogamous species. The most important thing I've learned throughout all of this is that mental stamina is more usefully spent on understanding our sexual behavior, rather than to be recklessly squandered on kicking and screaming "because it hurts." Of course, studying the sexual behavior of humans has opened up, for me, a Pandora's box that made a mess I'm still cleaning up.
Well by doing a tag search you might of come across this thread on "lessons learned" or perhaps this thread on "poly foundations". Thanks for yet another chance to pass the link along. Everything I have learned is in these threads I believe. AT least pretty darned close.

I don't agree with the statement above that I underlined. At least not as it stands. I think that actually most people are monogamous. What I believe is that most monogamous people are serial monogamists. Mostly because we live longer, women have more options and we are not held to religion as much as we used to be in terms of being monogamous with a life partner. I think most people aren't interested or can't be bothered to challenge themselves to include more partners in their lives. If that works, then awesome... we all have our own interests. Mine is human nature, sexuality and human interactions. Someone who is mono might not care about that but care about how to build racing cars. Its just different.

I agree that understanding ourselves, regardless of relationship description, is the first course of action towards having a successful relationship in terms of what we believe our own success is. Bouncing it off others is part of finding out how we tick and how others might work with us in a romantic and/or sexual relationship. Part of that learning curve involves learning how to communicate and check in with ourselves moment to moment I think.
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Old 11-27-2011, 09:17 AM
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What I've learned is that the label "polyamory" is perhaps useful for finding other people who are open to having multiple love relationships in their lives, sort of like a code word, but it isn't much more than that to me. I am finding the word less and less useful as I go along. Polyamory's not this strange... something... I enter which then will change me, and it's not a club with specific requirements or a secret handshake. The word simply describes an approach to intimate relationships and only one aspect of my life.

I have learned that some people view it as an identity and can get rather political about it, but for me, it is more productive to just ask oneself what kinds of relationship one wants and then set about creating them. Personally, I feel that it's a waste of time and energy to wrestle with the question, "Am I poly?" It's most important to me that I cultivate the kinds of relationships I want in my life and treat others with the love and respect that I want to be treated with, and not worry about what to call it.

A year ago, when I first chose to embrace a non-monogamous approach to my love life, I felt a bit frantic about trying to find guys to put into the roles of my boyfriends. But I realized, and continue to learn, that I cannot expect a "set of poly relationships" to suddenly fall into place. Relationships take time and I don't need to be in a hurry to have four boyfriends.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

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Last edited by nycindie; 11-27-2011 at 09:19 AM.
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Old 11-27-2011, 06:11 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I learned that words and actions are somethimes in conflict and to trust my gut more than my head....unfortunately I learned that after the fact.
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Old 11-28-2011, 09:37 PM
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wintersolstice wintersolstice is offline
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The biggest thing in the last 5 years with my wife and the last 2 with our added partner is that I have learned that life has truly infinite directions. Being 35 I can remember as a young 20 something that I would never have gone outside the boundaries of a mono relationship. But being in the service and experiencing different cultures changed my views and really molded me into the open minded individual I am now. Coming to terms with realizing that I had romantic and sexual desires for both sexes and finally meeting the woman that made my life complete by bringing me into the fold of a poly life is the accomplishment in my life I am most proud of at this point.

We have this joke between me and my wife because we are huge nerds and Star Trek is a funny dynamic between us (As is Dr who and Sherlock Holmes) is that Vulcans have this belief called the IDIC. Infinite Diversity In Infinite Combinations.
Me: 35 Male Bi. / A: 25 F, Bi, My wife. / J: 25 F Bi, Romantic partner and lover. / 2 kids one with each / Live happily under one roof.
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