Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 12-18-2009, 07:18 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Somewhere under the rainbow
Posts: 156
Default

agreed. judgement can be a good thing. P and I are different. He feels like everyone is always judging him. he needs to make the best impression, and that everyone is always judging. I however being human do judge people to an extent but disagree compleatly. i dont think everyone judges everyone. I think everyone cares about themselves. I cant speak for everyone, but i think only those who are judgemental of others give the word/idea of judgement a bad connotation and fear being judged themselves. (i am all about the random commentary today)
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 12-18-2009, 08:34 PM
crisare's Avatar
crisare crisare is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 172
Default

Quote:
P and I are different. He feels like everyone is always judging him. he needs to make the best impression, and that everyone is always judging.
Do you think he could possibly feel this way because he knows (maybe even subconsciously) that the way he's behaving is not respectful of his partners (whether long term or otherwise)?

Dunno ... just been my experience that people tend to fear being judged most when they know they're not living up to their own standards (I know I've been guilty of this).
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 12-18-2009, 08:40 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,668
Default

Hey, Im not a 20 something. im 54. I am poly and a slut. I have a poly SO. She's fine w me dating and looking for love, like or lust w whoever I want.

That said, I screen my dates carefully, (I meet them on ok cupid, and im with them for a couple wks before meeting them). I insist they are smart, cute, and respectful. I have had one or 2 dates w men who wanted fuckbuddies and I showed them the door. I'd like to be able to have a nice post sex chat afterwards, yk? Even if we dont go out for dinner or activities together.

I prefer to like a guy or woman a lot before I fuck them. I prefer to be infatuated at least. I dont fuck guys I meet at bars, drunk. I go in clear headed.

Okc matches you well for interests. I find nice ppl there. I prefer bi ppl, w alternative lifestyles, artists or science geeks. Open minded straight guys work out well too.

So. My gf and I are poly, but I am also an ethical slut. I was married for 34 yrs and need to play the field for a while. I try to be safe, I try to communicate clearly to potential partners what I am after.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 12-18-2009, 11:45 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,186
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Hey, Im not a 20 something. im 54. I am poly and a slut. I have a poly SO. She's fine w me dating and looking for love, like or lust w whoever I want.
Cool. You do poly and you do open non-monogamy.

Quote:
That said, I screen my dates carefully....
And you do so carefully. Way cool.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 12-19-2009, 08:28 AM
JonnyAce JonnyAce is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dakid View Post
within that definition, being poly is about being free to explore all sorts of sexual and intimate interractions with other people, whether as a one-off, series of one-offs, within a fuck-buddy arrangement, within loving relationships, whatever. The freedom being the thing. Being open to other relationships, and to some extent framing our relationship around that openness to potential with others. Not imposing limits or boundaries on each other's freedom to pursue other connections, wherever they may lead.
This!!!!
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 12-19-2009, 02:43 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Somewhere under the rainbow
Posts: 156
Default

Intersting! I believe P is the same, I am mono at this point, he is poly and an ethical slut in the same fashion I think only he seems less sure of what he wants and we had a looonnng chat last night about all sorts of issues that were coming up (ie. my drinking and my depression, his unrealistic expectations of me and his judgement mentality) it was kind of scary, but it was a great talk. We both listened to each other and he told me he thought I was speaking very level headed and that how I was expressing myself was very mature. Its silly but that was wonderful to hear, because one of the challanges we have as a couple is that I get to emotional and he doesnt know how or want to deal with it. Im glad we had some breakthrough last night.


anyhow while that was a little off topic....would you say that poly+slut=both polyamourous and polysexual?
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 12-19-2009, 04:31 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,186
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dakid View Post
within that definition, being poly is about being free to explore all sorts of sexual and intimate interractions with other people, whether as a one-off, series of one-offs, within a fuck-buddy arrangement, within loving relationships, whatever.
What you just described is called "non-monogamy" of which polyamory is but one form.

An open marriage/relationship is not necessarily poly, nor does it necessarily involve swinging. Swinging does not necessarily involve having an open relationship and doesn't involve poly (though it can lead to poly). Poly doesn't necessarily involve having an open relationship nor does it necessarily involve swinging (though poly folk can do open and/or swinging, too.)

Poly is not an umbrella term for all things non-monogamous. It is a term to describe a specific type of non-monogamy. To claim otherwise makes the term useless and we'd have to find a different term to use so that we can actually know what it is we're discussing.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 12-19-2009, 05:00 PM
crisare's Avatar
crisare crisare is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 172
Default

Quote:
Poly is not an umbrella term for all things non-monogamous. It is a term to describe a specific type of non-monogamy. To claim otherwise makes the term useless and we'd have to find a different term to use so that we can actually know what it is we're discussing.
Yes yes yes. Exactly.
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 12-19-2009, 11:25 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Vegas, Baby!
Posts: 348
Default

I'm with dakid and Ygirl on this.

This very topic has come up with me lately, in trying to describe Violet and my relationship to people.

We both allow the other to date and/or have relationships outside or inside our relationship - BUT we do NOT consider ourselves to have an "open relationship".

We both encourage the other to pursue sexual exploration outside of our relationship - BUT we do NOT consider ourselves "swingers".

We are a very happy, very committed couple comprised of two people who both owned the term "slut" a looong time ago and could care less what the rest of the world decides it's implications are. We both see the value in a committed mono-style relationship - and we both acknowledge that in the long term, it hasn't worked out all that well for either of us in the past. I don't mind her dating women and can wrap my head around her seeing other guys; she knows that seeing guys isn't on my list but she actively encourages me to see other girls and frankly pushes me toward sexual encounters of any kind with them, casual or not.

And all of that has always ended up bringing us closer. Even the disaster with Anne ended up with a stronger HMA and Violet.

So I say again - I'm with Dakid and Ygirl on this. "Fucking around" may or may not count as poly - depending on the mindset of the person doing it and the relationship(s) they have and/or re forming. In our case, a one-night stand can be and is VERY "poly", becuase it has positive emotional implications for us as a couple regardless of the what went on with the 3rd party. If it becomes more than "just a fuck", then the "poly-ness" extends to the 3rd party I guess, lol - THEY aare now engaged in a poly-style relation on some level to be determined in time.

Such is how the world revolves according to my perspective.
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 12-20-2009, 12:07 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,186
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
So I say again - I'm with Dakid and Ygirl on this. "Fucking around" may or may not count as poly - depending on the mindset of the person doing it and the relationship(s) they have and/or re forming. In our case, a one-night stand can be and is VERY "poly", becuase it has positive emotional implications for us as a couple regardless of the what went on with the 3rd party. If it becomes more than "just a fuck", then the "poly-ness" extends to the 3rd party I guess, lol - THEY aare now engaged in a poly-style relation on some level to be determined in time.

Such is how the world revolves according to my perspective.
It still comes down to what you're doing and describing that accurately. A poly relationship is not necessarily open, nor does it necessarily involve swinging. So, to say that being open is poly is inaccurate--that's not the case. Being open to casual sexual encounters is being open--not poly and not swinging.

So, based on what you've described, you do poly and you do open. Why you do what you do doesn't really matter, because the terms describe what it is you do. The motivation is not the action.

If you tell me you're poly, I'm not going to assume that you're open for casual sex or swing. If you tell me you have an open relationship, I'm not going to assume you're poly or that you swing. If you tell me you swing, I'm not going to assume it's an open relationship or that you're poly. You tell me you're poly and I assume that you engage in more than one romantic relationship at a time--that's it.

That's the beauty of using terms correctly. It describes what's going on, including some things and excluding others. If you also do other things, then you simply state that you also do those things, using the correct terms. None of that speaks to motivations nor does it involve any sort of judgement.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
casual sex, definitions, one night stands, sex

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:57 PM.