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  #141  
Old 01-03-2010, 11:35 PM
dakid dakid is offline
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perhaps it would help for me to add that although i love him, i have never ever been "in love" with him. or would that just confuse things ever more?!?

x
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  #142  
Old 01-04-2010, 01:21 AM
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crisare crisare is offline
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Well.

I honestly don't know what to say because the relationship you described is in no way one I'd call a "fuckbuddy". What you described is a loving, intimate relationship that includes sex - with a person I'd consider a lover.

his thoughtfulness and attentiveness, his willingness to learn how to please me and the importance he placed on my pleasure as well as his.

but also his sensitivity when i wasn't sure how sexual i could be that day, or needed to limit our activities in one way or another, the fact he never judged me for that or for the sexual fantasies i shared with him, whether or not he shared those fantasies/was turned on or off by them/wanted to put them into action.

then there were times when he would let me know before he arrived that he wasn't entirely sure if he could have sex that day but still wanted to come over. for example the day after his much-beloved dog died. that day we did actually have sex (we actually always did, in some form!) but it was a much more intimate kind of sex than was normal for us, and probably only happened because we removed the pressure to do so from the situation.

in a million little ways, i got to know him over the five years we spent in a sexual relationship, from small comments and big ones, from the giggles at the fanny farts, and the willingness to try new things, and to admit to fears he felt about certain sexual activities as well his attempts to overcome those fears.

communication and inevitably (in my experience) leads to gaining some sense of who that person is and what their values are. when the activity is as intimate as sex i have found that only heightened.

i love him for who he is and for what he has taught me - including, but not only, that a sexual relationship has a value in and of itself. i love him because i feel he has a good sense of who i am, accepts and understands me, with relatively few words having passed between us.

however i do care deeply for him, wish him much happiness, and have learnt much from him. we have a connection, which i know he feels too, not despite but in fact because of the nature of our relationship over the years.


All of those things are FAR more (by my definition) than a fuckbuddy. I'm actually really confused why you don't want to consider this relationship to be one of lovers. I am now wondering what you'd consider a "lover" to be ... ?

I think I kind of understand where our disconnect is, but I'm still just confused about what relationship is what to you?

Last edited by crisare; 01-04-2010 at 01:30 AM.
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  #143  
Old 01-04-2010, 01:28 AM
quila quila is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dakid View Post
@ quila - perhaps this is a difference in language usage between the UK and the US. here we use the phrase "fuck buddy" to mean a buddy who we fuck (aka have sex) with.

its a specific kind of friendship because the main or often only activity we would do with our fuck-buddy is have sex. whereas a friend in the general sense would mean someone we hang out and take part in various activities with. therefore a friend with benefits would be someone we have sex with but also hang out with as friends. a fuck buddy we mainly just have sex with, regardless of whether we feel love for them or not.

i appreciate this is a predominately US forum and will try to understand better the way words are used in the US from now on rather than sticking to UK meanings and uses, in the hope i will experience and create less confusion. if i stick around, which i am not sure about right now, but that's probably not of much interest to anyone except me which is fine!
Knowing that you're from the UK actually goes a long way towards explaining why you would have such a different perception of the term than I'm used to... In any country, "fuck buddy" is slang, and it's no secret that the different continents (and even different states within the US) have very different slang terms AND different definitions for some of the same terms. In that case, it doesn't become a "you vs us" where you're individually deciding to use a different definition from "the rest of us"... it's a cultural difference, which "the rest of us" should be open-minded enough to accept once establishing that's what it is.

I also have to agree that I've always thought there was something missing from "friends with benefits," because it implies other friendships don't have benefits.

I also hope you stick around. I saw everyone ganging up on you, and I started writing my reply to clarify what I'd said, and my husband leaned over and read everyone else's reply and told me it sounded like I didn't need to bother responding because you were full of it and everyone had already pointed that out. But I decided to ignore him, and clarify my statements. I'm glad I did, because you were patient enough to read it and give me a second chance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dakid View Post
perhaps it would help for me to add that although i love him, i have never ever been "in love" with him. or would that just confuse things ever more?!?
I think that makes absolutely perfect sense. I've had partners whom I loved but was not in love with.
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  #144  
Old 01-04-2010, 01:35 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Crisare, I'm wondering...why do you feel the need to rename or redefine dakid's relationship to better suit your terms? She's described very clearly what the relationship is to her and the name that she gives it. If you understand her relationship now, why do you need to label it differently than she does. Will that change your understanding?

There's nothing just plain basic communication can't address when talking about how different people name things differently. That does not require having universal definitions.
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  #145  
Old 01-04-2010, 01:40 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by quila View Post
Knowing that you're from the UK actually goes a long way towards explaining why you would have such a different perception of the term than I'm used to...
Having lived in both the UK and the US, I can say that the difference in slang is part of it. There are also differing attitudes towards sexuality and sexual expression. In general, America tends to be pretty conservative about the role of sex in relationships and between people. This is far less so in the UK and other European countries. Basically, I've found that people are far more open to a far more diverse view of what constitutes a loving relationship than I've noticed here in the US.
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  #146  
Old 01-04-2010, 01:51 AM
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crisare crisare is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
Crisare, I'm wondering...why do you feel the need to rename or redefine dakid's relationship to better suit your terms? She's described very clearly what the relationship is to her and the name that she gives it. If you understand her relationship now, why do you need to label it differently than she does. Will that change your understanding?
If language is not precise, then people cannot communicate - which is exactly what has happened here.

I feel that I better understand dakid now that she has explained her definition of "fuckbuddy". Now I am curious about why she does not use the word lover to define that relationship ... and what type of relationship she would consider to be that of a lover. In learning that I will understand her point of view further.

So my question back to you is .. why do you feel the need to question my desire to understand or to come to a common understanding?
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  #147  
Old 01-04-2010, 02:00 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crisare View Post
If language is not precise, then people cannot communicate - which is exactly what has happened here.

I feel that I better understand dakid now that she has explained her definition of "fuckbuddy". Now I am curious about why she does not use the word lover to define that relationship ... and what type of relationship she would consider to be that of a lover. In learning that I will understand her point of view further.

So my question back to you is .. why do you feel the need to question my desire to understand or to come to a common understanding?
I'm not questioning your desire to understand. I'm questioning your desire to make someone else use the same term you use in order to understand. You now better understand her relationship after she explained it. She is still going to use the word "fuckbuddy" to define it. Which better helps you to understand? The term used or the explanation of the term?

For me, precise communication lies in engaging in the explanation, not in asking everyone to conform to the same assumptions or contexts to fit a word. There are cultural contexts underneath words that are not shared. This is true for pretty much any aspect of life we choose to define. I simply don't think the solution is to require everyone to conform to my context of a particular term when I can just as easily understand by asking them to explain what they mean by it. In fact, I would go so far to say as whatever chosen term is used won't be very precise because everyone carries their own assumptions to any particular term. Who decides which assumptions should be dropped and which ones should be kept?

None of that matters if the people involved just apply some basic communication skills.
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  #148  
Old 01-04-2010, 02:06 AM
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crisare crisare is offline
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Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I'm questioning your desire to make someone else use the same term you use in order to understand. .
And where did I say she had to use the same term?

What I said was that *I* would consider the relationship she described to be that of a lover. I then asked her to explain what she considers a "lover" if this isn't it.

I'm getting really frustrated with you telling me what I can and can't ask and what I can and can't say, Ceoli. This isn't the first time you've done it to me.
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  #149  
Old 01-04-2010, 02:14 AM
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Ravenesque Ravenesque is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crisare View Post
And where did I say she had to use the same term?

What I said was that *I* would consider the relationship she described to be that of a lover. I then asked her to explain what she considers a "lover" if this isn't it.

I'm getting really frustrated with you telling me what I can and can't ask and what I can and can't say, Ceoli. This isn't the first time you've done it to me.
Crisare, why is it crucial to understand why dakid doesn't use the word lover and why she chooses to use the term she put forward of fuckbuddy after having explained it's meaning to her?

~Raven~
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  #150  
Old 01-04-2010, 02:18 AM
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crisare crisare is offline
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You know what .. nevermind. It's not worth it. Sorry. Moving on.

Dakid, I wish you the best.

Last edited by crisare; 01-04-2010 at 02:20 AM.
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