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  #111  
Old 12-31-2009, 10:56 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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There are some forums where the definition of polyamory is laid down quite as exclusively

~Raven~
Cool! Could you provide links?
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  #112  
Old 12-31-2009, 11:08 PM
dakid dakid is offline
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Cool! Could you provide links?
try googling "polyfidelity" and i'm sure you will find what you are looking for

x
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  #113  
Old 12-31-2009, 11:10 PM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Cool! Could you provide links?
*laughs* Why would I promote such forums? Perhaps you only read that line and not the rest of my posts. Others here who think it's "cool" too might better assist you. I hope you find the links you're looking for.

~Raven~
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Last edited by Ravenesque; 12-31-2009 at 11:52 PM.
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  #114  
Old 12-31-2009, 11:12 PM
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Haha! Can't blame a guy for having some New Years eve fun

Later
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  #115  
Old 12-31-2009, 11:25 PM
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try googling "polyfidelity" and i'm sure you will find what you are looking for

x
Couldn't find it but I think it was the one Raven talked about on a different thread?
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  #116  
Old 01-01-2010, 01:12 AM
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Haha! Can't blame a guy for having some New Years eve fun

Later
ok Mono I know you are ... Well mono but can I love you too Have a marvelous evening with your family. Hugz E
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  #117  
Old 01-02-2010, 12:14 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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There's something I find very interesting about this. What would happen if the thread was titled "The Difference Between Monogamy and Slutdom"?

If a person in a mono partnership starts describing some disrespectful or cheating behavior on the part of their partner, generally our first reaction would not be to say "Well, that's certainly NOT monogamy!" We would tend to say something more like, "Well that's not healthy."

Yet as soon as the relationship being discussed is a poly one, we immediately have to start defining and defending the definition rather than discuss the actual issue of what's happening. It's as if the issue is somehow very different because it's now within a poly context rather than a mono context. And it's as if we seem to want to solve the problem by making a definition of poly that a relationship can fit into.

The thing is relationships are relationships. And poly relationships are just like mono relationships, except that they may involve more people.

Everything else- the jealousy, the love, the security, the insecurity, the respect, the disrespect, the sex, the long term commitments, the short term casualness, the building of families, the having of affairs, the seeking friends with benefits, the healthy communication, the unhealthy communication, the support, the hurt and anything else you can think of that may arise in a relationship- That's all stuff that goes with relationships in general. They may look different based on what context they're in, but basically it's all the same basic stuff about how people relate with each other.

To say this doesn't render the word poly meaningless. However, when one tries to attach more to a word than it was actually meant to mean, that just invites conflict and mis-understanding. Most of what I see here just comes from people wanting the word poly to mean more than what it actually means in order to lend credibility to the structures we may live in. It's really difficult to achieve credibility that way.

I wonder what would happen in this situation if we just decided to set the word poly aside when discussing some of the actual relationship issues. Then we might actually be talking about what's really going on and be able to address it.

That is to say: when we're talking about making relationships healthy, let's talk about healthy relationships.

When we're talking about the place poly relationships may have in society or among groups of people or families, let's talk about how to define poly.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 01-02-2010 at 01:18 AM. Reason: merge posts
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  #118  
Old 01-02-2010, 01:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
To say this doesn't render the word poly meaningless. However, when one tries to attach more to a word than it was actually meant to mean, that just invites conflict and mis-understanding. Most of what I see here just comes from people wanting the word poly to mean more than what it actually means in order to lend credibility to the structures we may live in. It's really difficult to achieve credibility that way.
This seems to parallel moves within the LGBTQ community to gain credibility as well. Through acquiring the morality of the mainstream or stating that they are even more rigid than the mainstream. Many seek separation from the BDSM community and more recently from the poly community as well (see Andrew Sullivan on polyamory). This causes fractures within these communities and fractures across communities excluding those who lie at intersections of these communities.

I think it is the quest to acquire credibility which is at the root of the conflict for some between polyamory and swinging where the two communities could be allies because of the overlap which exists and the individuals who identify with both.

~Raven~
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~Open up your mind and let me step inside.
Rest your weary head and let your heart decide. It's so easy.
When you know the rules.
It's so easy. All you have to do is fall in love.
Play the game.
Everybody play the game of love. Yeah...~
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  #119  
Old 01-02-2010, 04:09 AM
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I want to pick up on the fact that the root of this debate is "what is love?" And that's a question that philosophers have been struggling with since forever, and do we honestly think we're ever going to solve it in any forum?

Since polyamory literally means multiple loves, there's just no room to debate its meaning. Then it seems to come down to judgement over one person's preferred form of love to another's.

Teenagers feel one kind of love, then they grow up and feel a different, more mature kind... or else they don't, and they keep on having semi-meaningful but basically unhealthy relationships for the rest of their lives. Some people are emotionally damaged and believe that sex means love.

Most adults are relatively healthy and understand the shades of gray between true love and meaningless sex.

It seems you all agree that polyamory means multiple loves. Now me personally, I've never felt love-feelings for a fuck buddy. I used them for sex, they used me for sex, we both knew we were doing it, and we were both happy to do it.

Most of the thread was more confused on the definition of "fuck buddy" than it was on polyamory. Some people took for granted that we'd assume they love their fuck-buddy, so they were offended when others said that fuck buddies aren't part of the polyamorous relationship.

The vegetarian chicken eater analogy doesn't work because vegetarian defines what you DON'T do (eat meat), and polyamory defines what you DO do (love multiple people at the same time). The best analogy I can come up with is:
non-monogamy = people who eat something other than red meat
polyamory = people who like tofu (a sub-class of people who eat something other than red meat)
people with fuck-buddies = people who eat chicken (some of them like tofu and some of them don't, but all of them eat something other than red meat)
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  #120  
Old 01-02-2010, 02:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by quila View Post
I want to pick up on the fact that the root of this debate is "what is love?" And that's a question that philosophers have been struggling with since forever, and do we honestly think we're ever going to solve it in any forum?
Very true, Quila - agree completely. Greater minds than ours have failed.

Quote:
Since polyamory literally means multiple loves, there's just no room to debate its meaning. Then it seems to come down to judgement over one person's preferred form of love to another's.
Well, that's if you insist on using the literal meaning of the root of the word. By that token "television" means seeing a long way and therefore the word isn't correct for an electronic box that shows moving pictures that are pre-recorded. I think there are plenty of other examples in the language where a more specific (or sometimes completely different) meaning of the word is documented other than what the root may dictate.

In the past I have tended not to care for labeling people, feeling that it restricts them too much. I have got involved with the "poly community" in one capacity or another, and found a desire to try to define the term more exactly (which has led to endless debates about it, most of them equally as heated as the ones here).

Personally I don't think it matters a jot for the individual - we each are what we are and it doesn't matter what label gets attached to it. It might matter to a political or social movement to define more precisely where it stands before trying to gain some legislative changes that can embrace that lifestyle, I suppose. I am no expert in social issues like this, so I defer to those that are, but to me, if you can't say what you are not, then you can't say what you are.
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