Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-04-2014, 09:45 PM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 16
Default I thought guys were supposed to be simple and mean what they say?

Well I'm soooo confused by someone whom says he loves me and wants to see me but doesn't. I know just saying that seems like actions speak louder than words and if he's not doing what he says he doesn't mean it but it's a little more complicated.

I am married separated and my husband, my guy friend, and I had a polyamorous relationship. Things got kinda messed up about 10 months into our relationship with communication. He is a very private person and doesn't like to talk about what he does when I'm not with him. So I assumed he had other woman, I was ok with that since I was married and he treated me good. However, me being polyamorous started seeing one of my ex lovers. I made a mistake of not telling my guy cause I just assumed that's the way he wanted it. He ended up finding out and didn't want to see me anymore. Then a few months later he was willing to admit he had something special with me and he loved me and wanted me back. So it's been really difficult cause we only see each other basically for sex, but he was promising he wanted to see me more take me to dinner etc. Then his schedule changed and he started working nights, sometimes working doubles and triple shifts including weekends.

He never did anything he said though. His work schedule still seems to be busy but then again I really wouldn't know since he doesn't usually speak to me unless he wants to meet which had become more and more infrequent.

Early in June I told him I was going to have plastic surgery and would be out of commission for a while but wanted to see him as much as I could before my surgery. I heard nothing from him, until 2 days before asking me if I was at a swing party cause he was there. I was so upset, how could he just show up at a party without speaking to me first when I am going to have surgery and won't be able to see him. He chose a party over me He seemed to not understand why I was upset. Claiming he just decided on the spur of the moment to go.

Now my surgery is over and I decided to go to a swing party. Meanwhile I haven't seen him in like 6 weeks. He comes to the party. We chat for a bit and it felt so good to see him but I wasn't ready for sex. He asked me if I minded if he had sex with someone at the party. I told him it was fine, but I just didn't want to left out. He said I wouldn't but paid very little attention to me cause he was trying to score with someone else. I was hurt but
Didn't show it.

A week after that I texted him im finally ready to see him and 12 hours later he didn't respond. So I question him and say ok what's going on? He him offense to that and said he got my message and was sleeping. Ugh..... I'm not stupid nobody sleeps for over 12 hours. Plus I saw him on a website earlier (I didn't tell him I knew this). But he still never responded about when we were gonna get together.

As if that's not enough, I decide to go to a mutual friends house for a bbq. He was invited to go as well. I knew it but wanted to see if he would ask me to go or even acknowledge his plans to me. An hour after the party started he texts to ask if I was going. Idk if he found out I was going and felt obligated to text . I figured I gotta get to the bottom of this and I called him.Didn't show it.

A week after that I texted him im finally ready to see him and 12 hours later he didn't respond. So I question him and say ok what's going on? He him offense to that and said he got my message and was sleeping. Ugh..... I'm not stupid nobody sleeps for over 12 hours. Plus I saw him on a website earlier (I didn't tell him I knew this). But he still never responded about when we were gonna get together.

As if that's not enough, I decide to go to a mutual friends house for a bbq. He was invited to go as well. I knew it but wanted to see if he would ask me to go or even acknowledge his plans to me. An hour after the party started he texts to ask if I was going. Idk if he found out I was going and felt obligated to text . I figured I gotta get to the bottom of this and I called him.

He was planning on going then changed his mind after talking to me. So he still wasn't willing to make plans with me but yet again he was on his way out to a party even though we haven't been together in 2 months. He kept saying he wanted to be with me but I saw no reason why he couldn't.

I don't like to pry and put myself in positions I'm not invited to. The real kicker is that my husband and I are now separated, and i committed myself to this guy whose probably out sleeping with other woman and I'm really suffering. He acted like he understood me but he's not willing to make plans to just see me and not willing to admit if something else is going on. I have been seeing him for 2 yrs. now. I don't know how to handle this cause I know he will view any other issues as a problem. We just keep having issues with no sex .
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-04-2014, 10:22 PM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 16
Default edited

* #1**

*Today, 09:45 PM

Polywife12*

Member

*

Join Date: Jun 2013

Posts: 10

*I thought guys were supposed to be simple and mean what they say?

Well I'm soooo confused by someone whom says he loves me and wants to see me but doesn't. I know just saying that seems like actions speak louder than words and if he's not doing what he says he doesn't mean it but it's a little more complicated.

I am married separated and my husband, my guy friend, and I had a polyamorous relationship. Things got kinda messed up about 10 months into our relationship with communication. He is a very private person and doesn't like to talk about what he does when I'm not with him. So I assumed he had other woman, I was ok with that since I was married and he treated me good. However, me being polyamorous started seeing one of my ex lovers. I made a mistake of not telling my guy cause I just assumed that's the way he wanted it. He ended up finding out and didn't want to see me anymore. Then a few months later he was willing to admit he had something special with me and he loved me and wanted me back. So it's been really difficult cause we only see each other basically for sex, but he was promising he wanted to see me more take me to dinner etc. Then his schedule changed and he started working nights, sometimes working doubles and triple shifts including weekends.*

He never did anything he said though. His work schedule still seems to be busy but then again I really wouldn't know since he doesn't usually speak to me unless he wants to meet which had become more and more infrequent.*

Early in June I told him I was going to have plastic surgery and would be out of commission for a while but wanted to see him as much as I could before my surgery. I heard nothing from him, until 2 days before asking me if I was at a swing party cause he was there. I was so upset, how could he just show up at a party without speaking to me first when I am going to have surgery and won't be able to see him. He chose a party over me*He seemed to not understand why I was upset. Claiming he just decided on the spur of the moment to go.*

Now my surgery is over and I decided to go to a swing party. Meanwhile I haven't seen him in like 6 weeks. He comes to the party. We chat for a bit and it felt so good to see him but I wasn't ready for sex. He asked me if I minded if he had sex with someone at the party. I told him it was fine, but I just didn't want to left out. He said I wouldn't but paid very little attention to me cause he was trying to score with someone else. I was hurt but
Didn't show it.

A week after that I texted him im finally ready to see him and 12 hours later he didn't respond. So I question him and say ok what's going on? He him offense to that and said he got my message and was sleeping. Ugh..... I'm not stupid nobody sleeps for over 12 hours. Plus I saw him on a website earlier (I didn't tell him I knew this). But he still never responded about when we were gonna get together.*

As if that's not enough, I decide to go to a mutual friends house for a bbq. He was invited to go as well. I knew it but wanted to see if he would ask me to go or even acknowledge his plans to me. An hour after the party started he texts to ask if I was going. Idk if he found out I was going and felt obligated to text . I figured I gotta get to the bottom of this and I called him.

He was planning on going then changed his mind after talking to me. So he still wasn't willing to make plans with me but yet again he was on his way out to a party even though we haven't been together in 2 months. He kept saying he wanted to be with me but I saw no reason why he couldn't.*

I don't like to pry and put myself in positions I'm not invited to. The real kicker is that my husband and I are now separated, and i committed myself to this guy whose probably out sleeping with other woman and I'm really suffering. He acted like he understood me but he's not willing to make plans to just see me and not willing to admit if something else is going on. I have been seeing him for 2 yrs. now. I don't know how to handle this cause I know he will view any other issues as a problem. We just keep having issues with no sex .


*Previous Thread*|*Next Thread*
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-05-2014, 12:15 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,719
Default

Hi Polywife12,

It sounds like your guy friend is giving you the runaround. I would have a talk with him and let him know that I don't like playing games and either he needs to tell you if he's not interested anymore or he needs to get serious about getting together on a more regular basis. If he won't even talk to you, then I guess you have your answer.

Do you and your husband still talk? What does he think about all this?

Good communication means saying what you mean and if this guy is just stringing you along then you need to find another man who will put his money where his mouth is and treat you like a lady. I mean yeah they say guys are simple and mean what they say, but the truth is some men will say anything to avoid an uncomfortable situation.

I hope you'll find a solution to your dilemma.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-05-2014, 01:55 AM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 16
Default

I totally know kdt I need to talk to him seriously. My husband and I still talk and he knows my boyfriend and my situation and he's lost for words. It's hard for both of us to think he's playing games with me since he's been around for so long. My husband was actually there when I talked to my boyfriend on the phone and heard the whole conversation. I asked him for his advice in what my next move should be because even though I talked to my boyfriend I felt better for a half a minute but now I'm left well now what. He still hasn't attempted to make plans with me. My husband just thinks I need to keep putting him on the spot and say when are we gonna get together, but I don't agree. I feel like I don't need to beg and I should just find someone else. It's just not how I pictured this at all. I love him and know his strength is not communicating. I feel he gets frustrated if he has to explain himself. He's been single for 35 yrs. He owes nothing to no one, So I doubt he'll ever change.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-05-2014, 02:47 AM
bookbug bookbug is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 690
Default

I get you on the not begging part. It seems from your description, you have been pretty pointed in your desire to see him - except in revealing your pain. It may be time to do so. You might make one last attempt, being very specific. Something along the lines of: "despite repeated overtures on my part over the last two months, you have made no effort to see me. I am deeply hurt." Or something to that effect.
__________________
Me: 50, female
The Philosopher: semi-LDR, 44, male - my best friend, intellectual twin, and lover when time permits.

Both poly-experienced, but not looking.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-05-2014, 08:24 AM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 16
Default Is there a right way to break up?

I really struggle with this. I was married 22yrs. and although my husband and I have grown apart I've never broken up with anyone. How and why does this happen? I get that my boyfriend isn't treating me right and I really want to say what bookbug suggested. It seems pretty sensible to just say that despite my attempts to see you even though you say you want to you haven't and I'm hurt seems logical. ..... he'll probably get turned off and won't even try to talk it though. Or he'll say I'm being impatient and he's busy with work so if I want to assume stuff it's over. I don't want to be the cause of ending things. I really think something is up. ..... but if he's saying he still wants to see me then what can I do if I still want to see him? And I do still want to see him. I've gotten quite I comfortable with him over the years ...lol sexually he's the best I've ever had . It's hard to turn that away. But I do need more. I'm really afraid to tell him that cause I think that's how all his relationships end. He's definitely selfish and unwilling to give me what I want. I'm not looking to marry him but this does hurt and I'm not sure what my next move is. I really only want him. I'm gonna have to start seeing other people but idk how to tell him that without ruining what I do have with him. ....... Ugh.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-05-2014, 04:23 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida Keys
Posts: 188
Default

Not to get all "Sex in the City" on ya, but....Honey, He's Just Not That Into You.

Sure, he wants you to be available if he happens to be in the mood for company or sex, but he doesn't want to put any effort into building a relationship. So, either you accept his crumbs of attention and occasional sex on his terms, accept that you're just a fuckbuddy, or you move on. If you decide to break it off, don't try to be his friend, just stop talking to him. Don't return his texts, email, or calls. Go on with your life and find a relationship that's more reciprocal.

I've been where you are, and all the talking in the world isn't going to make him step up. He's already let you know where he stands by his actions. Someone who wants to be with you will find the time to be with you, work and swing parties aside. You just need to decide where you stand, and stick to it. Likely he will not give you "closure," you'll have to do that yourself with a very firm "Goodbye. I'm done now."
__________________
Early 40's female, bisexual, married and open.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-05-2014, 06:15 PM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 16
Default

Sorry you have been hurt like that Lovebunny. I got no problem with just seeing him for sex and whatever we've had I don't need to label. We both have told each other we love each other and we make each other happy when it comes to sex. I don't even need to see him everyday. ..... maybe you missed the fact that I've been seeing him for 2 yrs. And it's not been until I decided to have surgery and after that he's not acting right. I do know he cares for me.


It's not always so black and white. Even if I did decide to end things how does that work when my friends are his and we see each other at parties for sex?

If he can't see me the way I want I just want him to be okay with me seeing other people. .... since I am polyamorous LOL
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-05-2014, 06:32 PM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 16
Default

Sorry you have been hurt like that Lovebunny. I got no problem with just seeing him for sex and whatever we've had I don't need to label. We both have told each other we love each other and we make each other happy when it comes to sex. I don't even need to see him everyday. ..... maybe you missed the fact that I've been seeing him for 2 yrs. And it's not been until I decided to have surgery and after that he's not acting right. I do know he cares for me.


It's not always so black and white. Even if I did decide to end things how does that work when my friends are his and we see each other at parties for sex?

If he can't see me the way I want I just want him to be okay with me seeing other people. .... since I am polyamorous LOL
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 08-05-2014, 06:49 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,719
Default

One approach is to tell him, "Honey, would you just let me know when you want to get together with me? I'll wait for you to call." Then, while you're "waiting," instead of holding your breath, move on with your life and look around for new guys you can see. If he notices you paying attention to someone and complains to you about it, you could just say, "I'm sorry, I thought you wouldn't mind." Maybe you could like for a new social group to mingle with? Then you wouldn't run into him.

Or you could ask him, "Would you mind if I dated some other people, since I'm polyamorous?" Maybe he won't mind.

Really your only other option is to just continue what you're doing, which is to keep on contacting him and asking him if you could please see him. You could say "please" more often and more pleadingly. "Please, I really want to see you. It's been so long," etc.

Or you could ask him, "How come things have changed since my surgery?" Maybe he'll have an answer.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:07 PM.