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  #1  
Old 07-15-2013, 03:33 AM
blacksofa blacksofa is offline
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Default new potential relationship with poly boy/mono girl, feeling a little lost...

Couldn't think of another way to describe this...

So I don't identify as poly, for the most part I'm mono. I am open to play with others and have deep relationships but I don't have any particular desire to have sex with more than one person. During the last 3 months or so of my last committed relationship I began seeing a married man, and we had occasional sleep overs/cuddle/kiss/etc. but nothing more. This is about the extent of my comfort level and my experience.

I recently began dating a guy who identifies as poly [although from the sounds of it it seems like he has a lot of fuck buddies who are close friends, not actual 'relationships' but then I am wondering what is the difference?] and he asked me if I would like to be his primary partner, meaning I am the one he is 'dating.'

There are, in my opinion, a lot of these other women he could potentially be having sex with. Not that it would be an often thing, like a couple times a year thing. I would almost rather there be less, with more often sex. And the idea that there are all these women I eventually have to meet is just kind of like WTF to me. Seems like a headache and a half. But they could all be great who knows.

I like him a lot, I could even say that I love him, and I've wanted to experience poly/open relationships for a while, but at the same time this is making me not want to be sexual with him and I find being present with him sexually difficult. Protected intercourse is one thing, but I find the idea of him going down on multiple other women kind of gross and he has told me that oral is an important part of his sexual experience. [We are hardly sexual, sleepovers at this point]

I don't feel like I have a right to ask him not to, but that would probably make me more comfortable (I also feel like, shit, SOMETHING should be mine). I feel like at this point our relationship progressing would benefit him more than me. Not that it is a numbers game, but I also feel deeply insecure that there are so many others he could see himself being sexual with again.



So I have no idea. Feeling quite lost. And I am finding it difficult at identifying my feelings. Hoping someone with more experience can help me out...

thank you
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  #2  
Old 07-15-2013, 03:36 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Honestly-if it's grossing you out...
I would say don't have sex at this point, because you need some serious soul searching to decide if you are REALLY able to fully accept this in someone you are sexually involved with first.
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Old 07-15-2013, 06:15 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Just because he asked you doesn't mean he automatically gets the privilege of having you. It's your body, your life, your choice. Why do what you don't really want to???
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  #4  
Old 07-15-2013, 10:07 AM
blacksofa blacksofa is offline
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It just makes me super sad...because before I knew this I did want a sexual relationship with him and I want to keep him in my life and now that this is on the table I don't know if he'll stay in it if we take a step back and stay there. Which is a terrible reason, I'll admit...
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Old 07-15-2013, 10:13 AM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blacksofa View Post
It just makes me super sad...because before I knew this I did want a sexual relationship with him and I want to keep him in my life and now that this is on the table I don't know if he'll stay in it if we take a step back and stay there. Which is a terrible reason, I'll admit...
Seems like you are incompatible if you are squicked by his sexual practices and I don't think that attempting to limit or control the intimacy he shares with others by demanding that particular activities, sexual or otherwise, are only allowed in your relationship makes for good poly.
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  #6  
Old 07-15-2013, 03:12 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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So basically you are willing to explore open/poly relationships but not with this particular dude no matter how much you like him because his sexual practices gross you out.

Fair enough. Don't get mixed up with him then. Just because he offers you "Be my primary" doesn't mean you automatically accept.

So something has to change.

a) You ask and he changes his practices so you can be with him (unlikely since it is a large part of his deal).

b) Or change dating partners entirely. (more likely and certainly easier for you to do.)

It's a disappointment, but not every dating partner is going to be a long haul runner. Limit of the Universe. Are you able to handle feelings of disappointment? Is that what you need help with?

You could thank him for the honesty, and tell him that's not your scene sexually so you two are not compatible as lovers. But you enjoy him as a friend and would be willing to pursue a friendship. Could ask him if he's willing to pursue a friendship. And go from there.

Hang in there,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-15-2013 at 03:16 PM.
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  #7  
Old 07-15-2013, 11:40 PM
blacksofa blacksofa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Are you able to handle feelings of disappointment? Is that what you need help with?
Maybe. I am sad because I do like him a lot and it is rare for me to find people I like this much. But as another poster said me limiting what he does does not make for good poly, and I completely agree.

It's a bummer but it looks like all signs are pointing to no...
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  #8  
Old 07-15-2013, 11:43 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Well, if it helps... usually for me accepting it doesn't work rationally comes first. Accepting it emotionally comes a bit later. You seem like you are accepting it rationally... so maybe just let the emotions blow on through as time passes? It's not going to feel "ugh" forever. Hang in there, do your self care needs.



GG
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  #9  
Old 07-16-2013, 12:14 AM
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PolyPaulie PolyPaulie is offline
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Quote:
I don't feel like I have a right to ask him not to
But, thats the beauty of it! You DO have the right. Polyamory in any form is not going to work out without lots and lots of communication!

My advice is to talk openly with him about your feelings. (And keep in mind that feelings aren't always logical!)

When my boyfriend started seeking other female partners for sex he promised to always use protection and to be screened for stds at least twice a year. Maybe that sounds extensive, but maybe that would make you feel more secure as well? You don't have to do anything you don't want to and as a couple should be able to meet at comfortable middle that makes you both happy!
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  #10  
Old 07-16-2013, 01:44 AM
blacksofa blacksofa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyPaulie View Post
When my boyfriend started seeking other female partners for sex he promised to always use protection and to be screened for stds at least twice a year.\
I told him he had to get an STD test, and he did so no complaints there. There are other issues going on here (like always! hah!). I feel like his emotional attachments to these women are a little one-sided and unhealthy, and he has confessed to me that he has dated women who needed him emotionally so I am skeptical of that as well...for now I think I will pursue a deeper friendship. I like where we are at and I see no reason to modify it. Although there is still some sadness there, as long as he remains in my life I will be happy with it.
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