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  #31  
Old 12-22-2009, 08:48 PM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
The last year or so I've found myself minimizing some friendships for exactly that reason. I just need a break from the drama-and the only way I seem to be able to find peace from it is to distance myself from them...

This I completely understand. External pressures and influences seem to be the biggest source of drama in our lives since working through the first five or six months LOL!! It's important to be able to distance yourself from destructive influences.
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  #32  
Old 12-22-2009, 08:58 PM
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I can't really think of any specific examples on here, but the whole "people pleasing" thing resonates with me too. I was the same way and in moments of forgetfulness I still am, I also get that not everyone gets along. Call me crazy, but what I am talking about is getting past that even. To a place where we all just are... Parts we see eye to eye on and parts we are struggling with in each other.

I'm finding it hard to explain because it seems to be a nonverbal thing for me. Like a form of heightened empathy.

Its almost a spiritual thing for me and I find it hard to totally relate it to poly. I know its what I experience in my "V" but I am trying to accomplish that feeling in my poly community and beyond. I think I have achieved it at work with some of my long term co-workers. I told them just yesterday how much I love and appreciate them and some of us drive each other crazy. They all agreed. Maybe they were humouring me haha!

I guess the whole "type" thing is just to complicated in this whole thing. When I think of it all from afar it is making more sense. When I get down to details about more emotional people, or more theoretical it gets too detailed I think.

When I know a persons Myers briggs test results it seem to create the effect I am speaking of in an artificial way. It seems to defuse differences somehow, just in knowing we are all different and here is a test to prove it.
I think I get that somewhat RP. Like Mark's ex-wife. I can assure you-I don't like her. Not because she's ex-because she's so cruel to our son (her bio son, my step son). She is so selfish that she simply doesn't consider ANYONE's feelings but her own-including our son's.

BUT-every time she's called with her world in pieces (her mom died, her dad moved away, she got two DUI's, she has gone in and out of rehab, etc) I always take the time to help her find solutions (I even researched support groups in her town, the works) and whatever she needed to deal with her life, where she's at, with what she knows.

It's just a matter of "doing the right thing" in my mind....

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sigh.... I'm tired of it all really. I just feel like crawling under a rock with my chosen family and hermitting. I totally can see why some poly families do that and just get on with their lives. I feel misunderstood after last night and the realization that I am judged. it makes me weepy, cause I try so hard to rise above that.... others like to steep in it. too much "stuff" is involved.
I hear that! It gets exhausting!!
But if you do decide to hermit can I go too!!??

I've found that I really tailor my conversations and "sharing" to who I am with these days. I never did before-I was just "me" all the time with everyone.

Now I'm ME with the people who I trust... and on here. I don't feel like I can't be real on here-because the reality is that there isn't a high risk of people on here causing me grief in my "real" life.

Even though I personally KNOW several people on here in my real life, they are people I am already "me" with....

But often now when we go out, I just give off a "not social" persona so people don't bother talking to me...
it kind of bothers me-I feel like a bitch. But at the same time, I feel exhausted by the drama that comes with socializing...

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I think a lot of the differences in approaches between us and many others in our community are the desire for such a closely integrated unit and the fact that there is a child involved. I think that is often forgotten as most of our friends do not have dependant children and don't want the level of integration we have. Many of our friends have a more inward focus and can focus solely on what they want without the need to consider something like stability for a child.
That's kind of ironic-because all but one of the "poly" or "poly-friendly" people I know in person-have small children at home and so we all have a focus of their needs being critical in our decision making.


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If thinking about boundaries does in fact bring up phrases like "I can't" in our own minds, than perhaps there is a control issue. If that is the case, than the question is, am I healthy in a relationship with that type of control?

To me the words "I can't" imply a desire to do so but not being allowed to; Denial.
Living in denial is not sustainable in my opinion.
This is a big deal to me. I haven't yet found a completely solution in my life-but it's something that is very important to me!

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When discussing relationship boundaries especially in a possibly judgemental environment it is important to express clearly our thoughts and use words that reflect what we feel. It is also important to be honest in expressing what we feel.
I think the breakdown in this one is that too many people assume that the way THEY understand a word is the way EVERYONE understands a word. BOTH people need to verify (and sometimes double or triple verify) that they both have a clear understanding of the meaning of the words. This step alone has helped SO much in Maca and I understanding one another! I can't imagine how much it will help when talking to other people.

We get into these grooves in life-where we become so entrenched in our own perceptions-we forget that even people standing right next to us-may have different perceptions of the same situations. As soon as we do that-we risk (high risk) that we will not actually communicate to the person we are talking to-thus making talkign to them purposeless for us and them!


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I think it is very important to be honest with ourselves in whether we do something because we want to or because we have to. If we do that than those around us will sense it more than hear it.
AH! Very true. Good point and well worth deeper consideration!
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 12-22-2009 at 11:34 PM. Reason: merge posts
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  #33  
Old 12-22-2009, 09:19 PM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
But often now when we go out, I just give off a "not social" persona so people don't bother talking to me...
it kind of bothers me-I feel like a bitch. But at the same time, I feel exhausted by the drama that comes with socializing...
Amen to that. I do the same much of the time - and being a naturally social person it's sometimes hard. But I had to learn the hard way that not everyone who says he/she wants to be a friend ... really wants to be a friend. Or at least the way I define a friend. (And I may be one of the few people in the world who still draws a distinction between friends and acquaintances - especially given the terminology of various forms of online social media these days.)

I find myself opening up to fewer and fewer people these days.
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  #34  
Old 12-22-2009, 09:22 PM
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I rail against the mis-use of terms so that we can know what in hell it is we're speaking of. That's not a judgement against the people who try to stretch terms to cover more ground than they should, it's commentary on the use of language and what works well and doesn't. Folks can still mis-use terms as they wish--it'll just result in muddled discussion.

And so on.
I wish I had a really great mis-use to toss out humorously here. But I don't have one off the top of my head.

I have this conversation DAILY in my real life!

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Originally Posted by crisare View Post
Amen to that. I do the same much of the time - and being a naturally social person it's sometimes hard. But I had to learn the hard way that not everyone who says he/she wants to be a friend ... really wants to be a friend. Or at least the way I define a friend. (And I may be one of the few people in the world who still draws a distinction between friends and acquaintances - especially given the terminology of various forms of online social media these days.)

I find myself opening up to fewer and fewer people these days.
GOD! ME TOO!!!! I get so frustrated with the "friend" "acquaintance" thing. They are NOT the same thing. Nor is "coworker" the same as friend. I don't refer to coworkers as friends-unless they are ALSO friends!
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 12-22-2009 at 11:34 PM. Reason: merge posts
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  #35  
Old 12-24-2009, 05:23 PM
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Oh I used to get in trouble for that all the time...and probably will continue to do so, whenever I used to say to my friends "Would love to go for a beer...let me check if I'm allowed!" or "Can't attend the party, not allowed out to tonight!" which was never a matter of not actually being allowed...just was always easier to say it that way.

My wife never seemed to see the humour in it.
Haha, I bet she didn't,,, but I talk like that too. I think because some people have this idea that I have it all because I have two men, that I am so much the princess and soooo well taken care of that I get anything I want. Not true. I certainly have what I need, but it's not all sweetness and roses. I work hard at balancing and negotiating what we all need, not just me. When I say I'm "not allowed" I say it tongue in cheek... I guess it's not seen that way by some.
I guess I should stop saying that.

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I know that what you really did is you made the CHOICE to have a certain man in your life sexually and the reality of that choice requires you to refrain from pursuing additional sexual relationships with other men.

I think this is more accurate than saying you're "not allowed" or "not interested". I don't know what's going on in your mind. Correct me if I am wrong!
nope, that's about right ygirl.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 12-24-2009 at 06:18 PM. Reason: merge posts
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  #36  
Old 12-24-2009, 05:46 PM
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I have been continuing to talk about this with Mono and my husband and have come to the conclusion that different poly practices and standards are really about definition of poly, which leads me again to not defining myself as poly as such. It's a loaded term "poly," I just can't stand behind it if I am going to be judged by others as not doing it right because it's not their way. Also I can't stand behind it if I am going to judge others too.

Really it comes down to what is comfortable in loving one another and being intimate and connected. that's it. If it feels good to be involved in the relationship or feels right to be aiming for a certain dynamic, then that should be all that matters...

I could tell yet another story here... hmm. I have about two seconds, so why not...

On my birthday I went our with a bunch of poly friends, my husband, my boyfriend and my tersiary. My tersiary told me he had been seeing another woman and wanted me to know about it as it would effect our relationship possibly. I was effected by this as it takes me further from spending time with him... there is so little time as it is.. my friend who also has two men in her life in the form of a live in boyfriend and another boyfriend decided that night to tell me and my husband that she is attracted to our tersiary, my husband and I share him. Her two boyfriends don't know this apparently, yet she found it acceptable to give him a long kiss as we left the bar.

I was offended and concerned by this as I not only was taking the news I just heard badly, but also that one of her boyfriends is my friend and I knew he didn't know.

I have been told since then that they don't consider themselves poly. So that some how changed how I felt about the situation at the bar. I now can be comfortable with the kiss in terms of the fact that the boyfriends didn't know as they don't identify with poly... or anything for that matter. They seem to be getting along just fine with their arrangement and are loving what they have created, so this makes me feel fine with it too... sometimes my poly standards are inhibiting me to just feel okay with what people do because I forget that they are MY standards, not anyone elses...

talk about over educated at this point. I have come full circle I think.. I knew nothing of poly at one point, then everything came to light and now I am letting it go again.
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  #37  
Old 12-26-2009, 03:52 PM
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Generally, the standards and practices that I follow are more about relationships being healthy than whether or not they fit a label of poly. So it never really bothers me when someone who has a very different relationship structure than mine gives it the same name that I might give mine. I think we try to make things mean more than what they actually mean in order to have a comfortable framework with which to view our choices.
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Old 12-26-2009, 07:57 PM
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Generally, the standards and practices that I follow are more about relationships being healthy than whether or not they fit a label of poly. So it never really bothers me when someone who has a very different relationship structure than mine gives it the same name that I might give mine.
Healthy is of course top priority... pushing what is healthy is something I like to do too... one never knows what is healthy until they feel it is such. I have surprised myself with Mono!!

Of course healthy has it's boundaries too as abuse is not healthy etc... I'm talking about making our own "rules" of what is healthy for us. We simply have relationship/commitment/family.... poly defined or not. That is what it is.

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I think we try to make things mean more than what they actually mean in order to have a comfortable framework with which to view our choices.
I agree, I think often I do that. Then I reach my comfort level and have no use for making things mean more... I think I reached that this month. It will probably cycle though... it seems to do that for me...
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  #39  
Old 12-31-2009, 06:29 PM
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I [...] have come to the conclusion that different poly practices and standards are really about definition of poly, which leads me again to not defining myself as poly as such. It's a loaded term "poly," I just can't stand behind it if I am going to be judged by others as not doing it right because it's not their way. Also I can't stand behind it if I am going to judge others too.
The more discussion I have been having, both on here and other places, the more I am distancing myself from self-identifying as "polyamorous", mostly because I feel that the term is rapidly becoming less and less meaningful, and that it is becoming less and less descriptive of my reality.

Apparently some of the agreements that I have aren't how one should be doing poly, and the fact that I am in a relationship with two people, where one partner is monogamous, but supportive in our relationship, is "unsustainable" as well.

It's getting to the point where there are too many agendas out there and the way some are representing the poly community, or trying to shape it, makes me less and less able to consider myself a part of it.


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talk about over educated at this point. I have come full circle I think.. I knew nothing of poly at one point, then everything came to light and now I am letting it go again.
Please make room in that boat for me.

{EDIT}
A clarification on re-reading this - I mean that the term is becoming so all-encompassing that it doesn't really say much meaningful about my reality any more, no more than "non-monogamous" would. Hope that explains it better.
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Last edited by CielDuMatin; 12-31-2009 at 06:44 PM. Reason: Clarification (hopefully)
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  #40  
Old 12-31-2009, 07:05 PM
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Generally, the standards and practices that I follow are more about relationships being healthy than whether or not they fit a label of poly. So it never really bothers me when someone who has a very different relationship structure than mine gives it the same name that I might give mine. I think we try to make things mean more than what they actually mean in order to have a comfortable framework with which to view our choices.
I agree. I'd add that meaning is placed in a manner that is most conducive to one group of polyamorous people while not acknowledging the experience of a other poly people. I find there is a great deal of positivity in accepting these differences then seeking to shut them out. I find this movement amongst some in the poly community rather counterproductive.

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