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Old 11-27-2011, 10:49 PM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
Posts: 30
Default So it finally happened

We finally had it out. Sort of.

R & W where away over the weekend. As far as I was aware they were coming HOME on Sunday night. And going to both stay.

So in the early afternoon I started thinking of what to make for dinner.
R called and said they were going to stop at work so he could get some work done and clear off his desk. He indicated they would be home pretty late, but that they would still be home.

So I went and got some things for dinner. Then I called and asked if he would definitely be home for dinner.

Well that plans had changed again. R realised that he'd forgotten his keys so he couldn't go into work. They were coming home and then I finally dragged it out of him that they were going back to W's.

I wasn't happy, I had a whole lot of stuff for dinner in the fridge.
I'd been alone now for 30+ Hours and I wasn't happy to continue to be alone again.

So they came home and I told R I was pissed. He said "talk to me" so I pointed out that he never listened. We eventually ended up on the couch talking and W said she was going to have a nap.
I shut the door to have a private conversation in my home, because ya know. After everything I think im entitled to that.

Well we talked a bit, but didn't get a whole lot of anything out on the table.

I expressed my concerns that my time with him hadn't been real quality time and that I just wasn't happy.

R eventually walked off and W said she was going to leave because "you could cut the tension with a knife"
Which was a slight exageration.

And then it all started, and I don't really remember what happened.
Because it all happened so fast, but R basically let us sit there and fight it out.
And I was told that W was the one making all the sacrifices, and giving up her time. And that she wasn't going to compromise with the whole bed sleeping arrangement.

And I expressed about how it wasn't at all comfortable with sleeping in a bed designed and build for R's kids and she said "who cares"

Well I know the story of those beds, and I know how much R hurts everyday because they don't get used by there intended purpose.

At the end of the conversation, R had walked away and I was staring into nothing-ness and trying to draw some emotion, but really I had none left at all. W was telling me that she "did want me here" and she "didn't want to have this conversation now but in 6 months once things have settled"

And I couldn't acknowledge what she was saying. Not just because I didn't want to, because despite what she was saying she was still hurtfull in her comments, she was still dismissive of my relationship with R which is now hanging on by a fucking thread because I wouldn't acknowledge how hard it was for her to say those things.

Even after all the back handers she'd just given me about how i've ruined her life and her relationship and all the sacrifices she's made.

After this, R left because he was pissed at my lack of acknowledgement. W left about 30 seconds after that. I ended up in bed crying.
I then spoke to R and he got extremely pissed at me for again not acknowledging W and what she was saying. And he kept saying "You couldn't even look at her you couldn't even look at her"

No I couldn't. No I didn't want too. No no no no no no no. Not everything is about her and her feelings, and her sacrifices.
I gave up everything to move her, I have given up my sanity putting up with this shit for the last 5 weeks. Don't talk to me about fucking sacrifices.
W chooses to stay in a situation she doesn't accept, and then when things don't go her way she is un willing to compromise..

I talked to R again later that night once things had calmed down.

He promised me he'd be into work early.
He asked me if I wanted to go to lunch.
Well guess what, work started an hour and a half ago and he is STILL not here. His phone is off. I am having to cover for, and lie for him again.

Its not my fault that he drank himself into oblivion after what happened last night. Its not my fault he chose to persue a realtionship with me. Its not my fault that he accepts W's conditions.

Honestly he told her that he would be interested and could see himself pursuing a monogamus single relationship.. and that if the time comes. HE WONT REPLACE ME WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
REALLY R? is that how your going to play it.


W is NOT an acception to your issues with being faithful.
You have slept with 10+ women despite the fact that as far as W was concerned you were in a god damn monogamous relationship!!!
She says that your the love of her life but when I asked you, you couldn't tell me the same..

I don't get this. I don't get any of this.

I have two people who are clearly struggling.
Clearly off their fucking rocker.
And they are "begging me to stay"

And asking me to commit to atleast giving this 6 months.

To top this whole situation off, I had a bit too drink last night.
After they left I went outside for a cigarette and I locked myself out.
I had to break through the mesh of a window, Climb 2 metres off the ground and through the fucking window.
I hurt my leg and scratched my arms to peices.

So far, NOTHING good has come from me moving here.
Not a damn thing.
Thats massively hard to understand and accept.
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Old 11-28-2011, 12:30 AM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
Posts: 30

I don't feel at all loved or wanted.

I feel like when R left last night and was angry at me for not acknowledging W's feelings and what she was saying.. that he chose her.

He chose to leave me in the state I was in.. hurt.. confused... angry.. drunk..

But then he begs me to stay?
He begs me to stay?

I don't understand.

I feel so numb, He asks me if I love him and when I hesitate he gets upset.

Maybe he just wants to be loved, wants to be needed.
Maybe this isn't about being monogamous or poly, its about being wanted and needed above all else. Its not about the sex, or the connection or the emotion.
Its about his inability to be alone. His inability to accept responsibility.
He just wants to be wanted.
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Old 11-28-2011, 04:43 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

It really, really sucks to have your image of who someone is -- or at least who you thought they could be -- proven false. I'm sorry. Sometimes you can care for someone very much but realize they're not in a healthy enough place for you to be in a relationship with them. Take care of yourself right now, you will be ok.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 11-29-2011, 08:13 AM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
Posts: 30

So today was a better day I guess.

R came to work and had a full/productive day. He is still there at the moment.
I know he goes to China for 2 weeks next monday so I do know that he is busy and not avoiding spending time with me.

He wants to come to an information evening at a school I want to go to tomorrow night so that is a good thing.

He and W want to sit down and talk some more about things before he goes away. I don't know how open I am about this. I know that I am at a point where I will not compromise on NYE or the holidays after then.
This time is important to me, and to the success of our relationship.

Going on holidays is not a luxury afforded to me, and they have taken LONG holidays together before, and they will again this year. For me this isn't really an option.

Its hard in my head counting down the hours I will get to see him until the new year, because I literally can count them. And there are not alot. I think its 5 days so that says a lot I guess.

With how the weekend situation has been going we were meant to be spending Saturday together but that hasn't worked out.
R has a family christmas gathering on Saturday. R invited me and said that we could go together (as Saturday was our day) and then W would join us there if she was free and then leave separtely.

Yeah that would NEVER happen. W wouldn't accept that in a million years.
I don't really feel like I want to go at this point because of everything being up in the air. I met some of his extended family a few weeks ago, and I have met his parents briefly. The look on their faces when they realised I wasn't W was kinda priceless. I guess I should make a T-shirt that says "I'm not W"
if I was going to go.

In all seriousness, R is not that close with his extended family so going to the party I think would only exagerate the stress and issues we are all having at the moment.

So the plan is that R and I will do something in the morning. Then he and W will go to the party for a few hours, and then R and I will spend the night together also doing something nice.

Sunday I expressed that I NEEDED to spend most of the day with him as it was going to be a tough day for me. I think in a way he has accepted that and will try and spin it to W. Personally I don't think he'll pull it off like he plans. She will turn up early. I will get upset.

I know a lot of my thoughts come off as negative, but I just haven't had the best experience. A lot of the time he just gets TOLD what he will be doing, and when he will be doing it. He chooses to accept that, and well. I don't.
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Old 12-04-2011, 01:03 AM
blitzbaby3 blitzbaby3 is offline
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: The midwest, USA
Posts: 39

I feel like I can relate. Just a little.

T is our male.
I am bisexual.
B is our other female.

T and B live in the same town and can see each other often. I live 30 miles away. It's not too far at all, but we're all going break even, I just got an apartment with most of my savings and my car just broke down. T has bills he needs to pay and he has spent close to $500 on us for Christmas. B has no job. I barely see them.
T is not good in relationships. T and B have been together on and off 4 years. They've cheated on each other. But he did it many times and said he was going to leave B for a few of these other girls because he loved them.

Well I became one of those other girls. I feel T might just be saying the same things as he has before and I'll be left alone in the end.

This week T has stayed with B two nights out of the week. I saw her one night. I had no time with him except for two hours total this entire week. I told B last night I wanted to have T stay with me alone tonight... I think it's only fair... nope.
So T isn't staying. And I can't have him stay alone Sunday night either because she'd throw a fit. It has to be them both.
Thursday she played a mind game where she told him I was sleeping, I was, but he was supposed to come see me. He didn't because she said it'd be a waste. So instead he goes and hangs with her....???

He says he loves me and she says I'm different from the others... but I have my doubts.

I think I understand.
Especially since T seems so sweet and well intentioned....
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Old 12-04-2011, 01:15 AM
blitzbaby3 blitzbaby3 is offline
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: The midwest, USA
Posts: 39

I brought it up to B she was being unreasonable and unfair.
She threatened to leave...

I was pissed.

She left him alone in the first place to move out of anger. He found me. he loves me too! I'm involved too!
He wants me and wants me and her to want each other.
She wants him and wants me, but doesn't want him to want me.
I want them both

Except everything was fine until she came back. T and I had a few good months alone. Then she came back and stresses and pushes and wins. I'm nice because I don't want to lose them.
I sacrifice. I'm sorry I came into the picture too and kinda stole him a bit... but she shouldn't have left.
She and I want us to work because we fear him being with only one of us and cheating. With us both we're so different we keep him occupied. I hope.
and I grew to fucking love her.
I should have pushed for a mono relationship but I just wanted his happiness. When he's happy I am.
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Old 12-04-2011, 07:35 AM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
Posts: 30

blitzbaby3, I can totally relate.

sometimes I just think it would be easier to give up and stop fighting.
My guy just left and I wont see him again for another 2 weeks. Where as W gets to spend time alone with him tonight, and then see him off at the airport tomorrow.
I do feel like she always "wins" in these situations... and that R sometimes doesn't advocate enough for our relationship.

If you want to fight for me, don't just say you will.
You need to actually do it.

You know what I mean?

Right now I am feeling okay. I know I will have contact when hes away, and i've insisted I will pick up him from the airport when he comes HOME to our place. Because we live together.
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Old 12-04-2011, 07:41 AM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
Posts: 30

So yesterday was our second attempt at a family gathering.

When R and I arrived. W was just behind us. She hadn't met alot of this part of his family, so when we arrived I guess people assumed I was his sole partner and they set up 2 chairs. I didn't have time to even sit down because W arrived and I was paranoid about her turning up and getting upset.

We had a nice day, and it was the second time i'd met a few really nice people.
They were all lovely. One of r's Aunts refered to both of us as R's Friends.
That was nice, not to be classified alone.

R's dad completely knows whats going on. W had a break down for a minute because we were close to where she used to live with her husband.
I think it was more about the fact that she had to "share" the day with me and that we were going home together. R's dad saw that she was upset straight away (as did i) and was like "is W okay"

I was much more relaxed and got along well with everyone making jokes.

R's mum is completely cold on me. R's dad gave me a kiss goodbye but she didn't really want to come near me.

Part of me can't really blame her, I am some random girl who's moved from melbourne and lives with her Son who already has a partner who had been introduced to the family?

I guess in her not knowing we are poly.She either assumes that I sleep with him despite him being in a relationship and that I am some kind of whore.

I am not. I was here long before she was.
In fact i will say what I said to W last week.

"He loved me long before you exsisted in this situation"

And its true.

He's gone now, for 2 weeks and we'll see what happens.
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Old 12-05-2011, 09:18 PM
blitzbaby3 blitzbaby3 is offline
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: The midwest, USA
Posts: 39

I do understand. I gave up my alone time with him Saturday night. Then I had time together with us all last night. It ended badly. He had pictures from another girl on his phone. B snoops because he's cheated and she can't trust him. We were upset. So we confronted him. It went horribly. He lied promising he hasn't done anything. He promised multiple times. We told him we knew. He finally admitted. He was pissed B had gone through his phone. It's ridiculous. She wanted him to just say why he did it, why he hurt us. He said it wasn't a big deal, sexting. Whatever. So we tried. She sat back, having done most of the talking. I talked. I tried, he opened up a little. I directed everything to him, she felt left out. But that's what she had done to me... So he was trying with me.
So she got butt sore and left. So he was tried and had work early. I was pissed she left, especially when it was going better and was going to be okay. I didn't follow her which is what she wanted. I was the only one responding to her texts so she got pissed more at him. T and I had sex. It was wrong in retrospect but it just sorta happened. She came back and went ballistic. She cut herself. I tried to cover her arms with a towel. T just got ready to leave. I tried to let her know I was sorry and wrong. She ignored me, I didn't matter. She talked to him. She yelled she hated us and slapped him. He was through because of it. He walked away. She followed demanding he say something. He did owe her that. They got into my apartment hallway. They started shoving each other. He broke her glasses and pushed her down some stairs, 5 but still stairs. I didn't know what was happening, cleaning up blood from everything. I decided I needed to check, fearing neighbors calling police. Then I got to a point where I couldn't see them and I heard struggled breathing. I thought maybe they were making out. Like angry sex. I walked away. Then I heard doors slam. I went outside to see. She was following him as he was at his car getting in. She stood behind his car. he just drove forward. I tried to get her to come inside, walking barefoot in snow. I went back up, she followed. I cleaned her cuts as she cursed my existence. I gave her space, not leaving her side. He had left both of us. He hated me for letting her hit him. He lied. He does this. It's only a matter of time before he sexually really cheats.

She calmed down and has been by my side since. She still wants me. I wish she didn't. I wish she hated me like him. I wish she had hit me. I wish we all hated the others. She is reliant on others. He left her. I'm here to care for her alone. I'm not sure if I can do it, especially since I thought she was too much and pissed at her most of the time. His actions just disgusted me.
I'm done with him. I want to be strong for her. But not with her. I want to just put it all behind me. Both of them included.
I hope so much for you that this works, if that's what you want. It's your life. No one has any right to say whether you're doing it wrong or right, whether you should stay or not. It's all you. Do what you need to. I am.

P.s. before this all went down, I was supposed to have met his family for the holidays. She already knew them. She demanded I didn't alone with him... So I didn't get to meet them, causing me to be more pissed at her.
Me = needing self help
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Old 12-20-2011, 03:54 AM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
Posts: 30

So R was in China for a few weeks. I spoke to him a bit online and a few times on the phone.

I admited to him that I had looked at his phone before.
He was upset. I told him I never would have if he hadn't cheated.

The trust that we lost is hard to repair.
Right now he is "resting" at W's place after having a test done.

I hate that I don't believe that he is there.
I hate that I don't trust him.
It really upsets me.
I've been trying to work through it, reading about how to build trust in relationships but I just don't know if we can get there.

I know that I love him, I mean really really love him.

But the thought of him lying to me again, it is forever in my mind.

He also wants to start swinging, which I am NOT against.. not at all.
But currently he's my first, and only guy. I don't know if i'm ready to let go of that for just sex. Maybe if there was a chance at something more. I spose it could lead to a friendship.
We have a profile on a site, and some couples interested.
I bailed a few times when he tried to organise things, but I basically told him I was done until the new year. I didn't want to introduce ANYONE into our relationship while it was on such shakey ground.

Well he set up yet another meet with this couple and last night told me to confirm. I was going to.. But I don't want to..
I don't want to go. I just don't.

I sent him a text message.. I know not ideal..
Just telling him NO im not interested and you keep bugging me about it and making me feel bad.

I am not W.. she did all the research and work on it.
I was interested in doing this.. When our relationship was strong.
I am really really upset. I am at working trying not to cry.
I just need him to get it. Not just say "I get it" but actually "get it"
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